A..pastor..went out one Saturday,,to visit his church-members...At one house,..it was obvious that..someone was home,..but nobody came to the door...even though the preacher knocked several times...Finally,..the preacher took out his card,..wrote

"Revelation 3:20"..on the back of it,..and stuck it..in the door:

Behold,..I stand at the door..and knock...If anyone hears my voice..and..opens the door,..I will come in to him..and dine with him,..and he with me...Revelation..3:20

The next day,..the card turned up in the collection-plate...Below the preacher's message..was written;..I heard your voice in the garden,..and I was afraid..because I was naked;..and I hid myself...Genesis..3:10

George..W...Bush,..in an airport-lobby,..noticed a man in a long flowing white robe..with a long flowing white beard..and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff..in one hand..and some stone tablets..under the other arm...GW...approached the man..and inquired,.."Aren't you Moses?"..The man ignored George W...and stared at the ceiling.

George W...positioned himself more directly in the man's view..and asked again,.."Aren't you Moses?"..The man continued to peruse the ceiling...George W...tugged at the man's sleeve..and asked once again,..."Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded,,in an irritated voice,.."YES,....I AM!"

George W...asked him why he was so uppity..and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied,.."The last time I spoke to a Bush..I ended up stuck in a desert..for forty years


There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day...As the priest is walking by,..he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says,.."Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties...It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home..and gives the money to her mother..and asks her mother to buy panties for her...When the mother asks where the girl got the money,..the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money,..the mother rushes to her room,..whips off her panties,..and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming,..she begins to walk up the stairs.....

.....The priest..then notices..the lady..and calls her down.

The woman..not wanting to show..that she is expecting anything,..walks back to the priest..very calmly.

The priest..hands the lady $1..and says..."Lady,..take this money..and for God's sake,...go buy yourself..a razor


Don't use the Lord's name..in vain

After years of his wife's pleading,..this good-ol-boy..finally goes with her..to her little local Church..on Sunday morning...He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon..that on the way out..he stopped to shake his hand.

He said,.."Reverend,..that was the best..gawd damn sermon..I ever did hear!"

The Preacher..replied,.."Oh!..Why,...thank you..sir,..but please...I'd appreciate it..if you didn't use the Lord's name..in vain!"

The man said,.."I'm sorry Reverend,..but I can't help myself,..it was a good..gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said,.."Sir,..PLEASE,..I cannot have you behaving this way...at Church"!

The man said,.."Okay Reverend,..but I just wanted you to know..that I thought it was so gawddamn good,..I put $ 500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said,.."NO Shhhheeet..?!"


At The Beginning of World War..II..This elderly Italian guy..goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession...The priest assured him that he would,..and the two took up the customary positions..on either side of the divider.

"Well,..Father,"..began the old man,.."At the beginning of World War II a beautiful..woman knocked on my door..and asked me to hide her from the Germans...So I hid her in my attic,..and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing,"..interjected the priest,.."But it's certainly nothing..you need to confess!".."It's gets worse Father,"..continued the elderly fellow,.."I was weak..and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her..by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated..this disclosure..for a minute and then responded,.."Well, it was a very difficult time,..and you took a very large risk...You would have suffered..terribly..at their hands..if the Germans had found you hiding her.

I know that God,..in his wisdom and mercy,..will balance the good and the evil of your acts,..and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," ..aid the old man..."That's a load off my mind!..Can I ask..another question?"

"Of course,..my son,"..said the priest.

The old man asked, ..Do I have to tell her..that the war is over?

The day finally arrived:..forrest..

..Forest..dies..and goes to Heaven.

He is met..at the Pearly/Gates..by Saint Peter himself...The gates are closed,..however,..and Forest approaches..the gatekeeper.

Saint-Peter..says,.."Well, Forest,..it's certainly good to see you...We have heard..a lot..about you.".."I must inform you..that the place is filling up..fast,..and we've been administering..an entrance examination..for everyone...The tests..are fairly short,..but you need to pass..before you can get into Heaven."

Forest/responds,.."It shore is good to be here..Saint/Peter...I was looking forward..to this.".."Nobody ever told me..about any entrance exams...Shore hope..the test ain't too hard;..life was a big enough test..as it was."

Saint/Peter..goes on,.."Yes,..I know Forest.".."But,..the test I have for you..is only three questions.

Here is the first:..What..days of the week..begin with the letter..'T'?.."..."Second,..how many seconds..are there in a year?".."Third,..what is God's first/name?"

Forest goes away..to think the questions over...He returns the next day..and goes up to Saint/Peter..to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint/Peter//waves him up..and asks,.."Now that you have had a chance to think..the questions over,..tell me your answers."

Forest says,.."Well..the first one, ..how many days of the week..begin with the letter..'T'?".."Shucks,..that one's easy;..that'd be Today..and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide..and he exclaims,.."Forest!..That's not what I was thinking,..but... you do have a point..though,..and I guess..I didn't specify,..so I give you credit..for that answer."

"How about the next one"..says Saint/Peter,.."how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder,"..says Forest..."But,..I thunk..and thunk about that,..and I guess the only answer can be..twelve."

Astounded,..Saint/Peter says,,,"Twelve!".."Twelve!".."Forest,how in Heaven's name..could you come up..with twelve seconds..in a year?"

Forest says,.."Shucks,..there gotta be twelve:..January..second, February..second,..March..second..."

"Hold it,"..interrupts Saint/Peter..."I see where you're going with it.".."And I guess..I see your point,..though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.".."I'll..give you credit..for that one..too."

"Let's go on with the next ..nd final question,"..says Saint Peter,.."Can you tell me..God's first name?"

Forest says,.."Well shore,..I know God's first name.".."Everbody probly knows it.".."It's Hello."

"Hello?"..asks Saint Peter..."What makes you think it's..'Hello'?"

Forest answers,.."It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?"..asks Saint Peter,.."Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer,"..responds Forest:.."Our Father, Hello be thy name..."

Sorry all,
I thought someone would've given the answers by now,
What starts with "P" & ends with "Y" & is mans most favourite thing is:- "P"ay da"Y" of course
What does a dog do on three legs, a lady does sitting down & a gentleman does standing up:- Shake hands
Two nuns walking through the park a flasher jumps out & flashes himself one has a heart attack the other has a stroke.
Two nuns Mary & Jane walking through the park to the shop get raped. After the shopping Mary says to Jane, how do we explain to Mother-Superior that we were raped twice.
Jane says no Mary we were only raped once.
Mary replies we have to go back that way.
Thanks have a good life from Dave

A business woman is on a plane heading for Sydney, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life leaps in to the aisle and yells “who can make me feel like a woman again!”

Benk jumps up and rips off his shirt, “Here you crazy bitch, iron this!”

Why have women got short feet? Stand closer to the sink
Why do women get married in white? To match the rest of the white goods in the kitchen
Why was the woman at the pub? Don't know why she was out of the kitchen in the first place.
Dave goes to confession & says father I have sinned.(no not the joke)
Father says why my son what have you done
Dave replies I had sex with my wife
Father says that is not a sin sex in marriage is allowed.
Dave says but father it was in the daytime
Father says that's still okay sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says but father it was while she was bent over the freezer
Father says that it's a bit strange but sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says then I wont be banned from heaven
Father says no definitely not sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says well Coles banned Me
Might be why the missus is the ex?
God had a sense of humour he made me
Have a good life all from Dave