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The Forum > General Discussion > Great jokes

Great jokes

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With all the serious discussion on OLO, time for a bit of humour:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F.,.,k him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea.
Posted by Yabby, Thursday, 3 September 2009 8:12:48 PM
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big tough hells angel yabby farmer goes to the dentist with a toothache....the sadist pokes arround in his mouth for 30 seconds and says you got two bad teeth there...i'll charge you 500 to pull them out right now...or 600 with laughing gas

the biker yabby farmer grunts...and replies...''dont worry about the gas..''[in fact dont worry about giving any needles....''you see i have only felt pain..''but twice in my life

the denialist..[oops sorry dentryst..shrugs and get his..big drift and starts loosening the tooth...from yabby farming biker dude....lol...nothing

right..thinks the dentist and grabs his POINTY..vice grips and jabs deep into the gum line...and ripps the tooth out..[amasingly in one piece..but such are dentists...prone to egsagurations..rotted my butt]

anyhow..ol yabbyfarmer biker dude's denialist[dentinist].. is quite astounded about the old biker..just sitting relaxed as can be in the chair..and cant stop himself from, asking...

''i cant believe you ever felt pain...''thats the most painfull extraction[for cash].. i ever did...and from you...nothing....if you dont mind me asking ...just when..did you EVER feel pain

the biker looks at the dentist...as if sucking a wet socket...[caution recall this is a joke..dont suck wet socketts][dont try this at hoome..

..then says..''well i was on this run..one time and dying to go the wc[invented by crapper...but thats another joke]

anyhow the biker continues ...i stopped the bike..and rushed to this low bush..ripped of me strides..and went the old knee bend/squat....

NEXT THING...i hear clang...i looks down...and theres a dingo traP STUCK ARROUND..ME CA-HOOONIES

THE DENTIST..[damm cap lock]...

the dentist is agape...he mutters and ..''when was the 2 de time

...''when the saftey chain run out...on the dingo trap''

ps the charactor..of this humour if fictitious..and bear's only passing resemblance to others..of simular naming or vocation
Posted by one under god, Thursday, 3 September 2009 8:54:26 PM
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7 year old Yabby and a 4 year old Belly are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says Yabby, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
Belly nods his head in approval,so Yabby says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' Belly agrees with enthusiasm...

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks Yabby what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, fucken hell mum,I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at Belly and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucken Coco Pops'
Posted by The Pied Piper, Thursday, 3 September 2009 9:23:41 PM
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Me and Houels wife were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and Iím watching a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

Houels wife says, 'Do you know her?'

'Yis,' I sigh, 'she's Houels old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after they split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' she replies, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Posted by The Pied Piper, Thursday, 3 September 2009 9:39:43 PM
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Peter-Ross:..Valentine

The Pope Drives the Limo!

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me,...Your Holiness,....says the driver,
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well,...to tell you the truth,..says the Pope,..'they never let me drive at the Vatican..and I'd really like to drive today.

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job....
.and what if something should happen'..protests the driver,
..wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

There might be something extra in it for you,'..says The Pope.

Reluctantly,..the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel...The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,..the Pontiff floors it,..accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down,...Your Holiness'..pleads the worried driver,..but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God,..I'm gonna lose my license,'..moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window..as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,..goes Back to his motorcycle,..and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief,'
he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio
and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo
going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,'..says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that..
he's really important,' said the Cop.

The Chief exclaimed,
All the more reason!'

'No,..I mean really important,
said the cop.

The Chief then asked,
Who have you got there,..the Mayor?'

Cop:...Bigger.'

Chief:..'Governor?
Cop:...Bigger.'

'Well,..said the Chief,..Who is it?'

Cop:
'I think it's God!

Chief:..What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the fcking Pope
...as a chauffeur!

Pees eh?
Posted by one under god, Thursday, 3 September 2009 9:44:31 PM
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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him

Contiued
Posted by Banjo, Thursday, 3 September 2009 10:12:14 PM
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