She stared out the window, dreaming
of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.

Antiseptic:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to
live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.The President,
in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.

The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

Fractelle:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Antiseptic:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of FoCKING TEA?
Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon
novels."

Fractelle:
A$$hole.

Antiseptic:
Bitch.

Fractelle:
W@nker.

Antiseptic:
Slut.

Fractelle:
Get focked.

Antiseptic:
Eat sh!t.

Fractelle:
FoCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

Antiseptic:
Go drink some tea - whore..

Old fella named Dave living out the back of Bourke for 15 years had never seen it rain. So Dave sells up & goes to town to have a couple of beers with the locals before leaving. In the pub Dave starts yarning on & begins to ask if anyone had seen it rain out that way. Mick says he's been ther 20 years & never seen it rain but ask old George. Dave asked the next bloke if he was old George he said no his name was Rod. So Dave asks Rod if he had seen it rain out there & Rod says no not in the 50 years that he had lived there but ask old George.
Well after asking all round & noone seeing it rain & told to ask old George Dave finally sees this old fella with a beard to the floor,a pair of old walking sticks & weather beaten so he looked like leather he asks if he is old George & the old fella says yes.
Dave immediately asks if old George had seen it rain out that way.
Old George thinks for a minute & says yes he had seen it rain. Then Dave quickly asks when & old George replies do you remember the yarn about that bloke called Noah & Dave says yes.
Old George then says that they got 20points(5mm) out of that issue.
Thanks Dave

Have you seen my ninja army? No? That's how good they are.

My neighbour walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" The social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered mum sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Rehctub." All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Rehctub' and the girls are all named 'Rahctub'."

In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Rehctub?"

Their mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Rehctub!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Rehctub!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Rehctub' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Rehctub."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

"Then I call them by their last names."

seeing as this ..these jokes...are/is getting close to the edge...at any rate...i will tell..of one who went to heaven...

and this joke is about..the joke of a last judment day...
its funnier in pictures

anyhow jesus..is first up and god says sun...you are my light...you can sit at my right hand....next comes budda...//..[please note note following...note explaining this part of the joke]

...and god says ....you can sit on my left

oh heck i will explain that budda issue now...budda of course is replaced with other names..in the other realms...

like in the islamb realm..its mahamoud..[may peace be upon them all...and in the realm of the half light its satan...and in the lower realms....[well who cares]

anyhow there is god...and his two favourite's..of mens teachers in the spirit...enthowned next to god..each with god enthoned on their own hearts...within and without

anyhow the third...to be judged...steps up
lets call this one grayham young o
r some other such name

but not hasselblack that joke ...i cant get

anyhow...grayham young..stands before god
and god says who are you

grayham says...im grayham young..sir

god looks up and says ...ooooops

sorry..didnt realise...i was sitting in your chair

ok..that was the punch//line...

ba boom...lol

ok now grayham
what you going to do with that pair each side of you?

its ok
we all got one good and one not good angel
on our shoulders..too/as well..

its our choice..which we chose to listen to

Anti was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for 19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00"? Anti asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
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Col and Dave were having a drink after work.

Col says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Dave.

"Well, see the other day when buying airline tickets, instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Dave. "Last time I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "Shut up you witch, you've ruined my life!"
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Foxy and her hubby, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. Her husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", Foxy said.

"That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, Foxy flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

Foxy replies, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"