With all the serious discussion on OLO, time for a bit of humour:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F.,.,k him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea.

big tough hells angel yabby farmer goes to the dentist with a toothache....the sadist pokes arround in his mouth for 30 seconds and says you got two bad teeth there...i'll charge you 500 to pull them out right now...or 600 with laughing gas

the biker yabby farmer grunts...and replies...''dont worry about the gas..''[in fact dont worry about giving any needles....''you see i have only felt pain..''but twice in my life

the denialist..[oops sorry dentryst..shrugs and get his..big drift and starts loosening the tooth...from yabby farming biker dude....lol...nothing

right..thinks the dentist and grabs his POINTY..vice grips and jabs deep into the gum line...and ripps the tooth out..[amasingly in one piece..but such are dentists...prone to egsagurations..rotted my butt]

anyhow..ol yabbyfarmer biker dude's denialist[dentinist].. is quite astounded about the old biker..just sitting relaxed as can be in the chair..and cant stop himself from, asking...

''i cant believe you ever felt pain...''thats the most painfull extraction[for cash].. i ever did...and from you...nothing....if you dont mind me asking ...just when..did you EVER feel pain

the biker looks at the dentist...as if sucking a wet socket...[caution recall this is a joke..dont suck wet socketts][dont try this at hoome..

..then says..''well i was on this run..one time and dying to go the wc[invented by crapper...but thats another joke]

anyhow the biker continues ...i stopped the bike..and rushed to this low bush..ripped of me strides..and went the old knee bend/squat....

NEXT THING...i hear clang...i looks down...and theres a dingo traP STUCK ARROUND..ME CA-HOOONIES

THE DENTIST..[damm cap lock]...

the dentist is agape...he mutters and ..''when was the 2 de time

...''when the saftey chain run out...on the dingo trap''

ps the charactor..of this humour if fictitious..and bear's only passing resemblance to others..of simular naming or vocation

7 year old Yabby and a 4 year old Belly are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says Yabby, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
Belly nods his head in approval,so Yabby says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' Belly agrees with enthusiasm...

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks Yabby what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, fucken hell mum,I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at Belly and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucken Coco Pops'

Me and Houels wife were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I’m watching a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

Houels wife says, 'Do you know her?'

'Yis,' I sigh, 'she's Houels old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after they split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' she replies, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Peter-Ross:..Valentine

The Pope Drives the Limo!

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me,...Your Holiness,....says the driver,
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well,...to tell you the truth,..says the Pope,..'they never let me drive at the Vatican..and I'd really like to drive today.

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job....
.and what if something should happen'..protests the driver,
..wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

There might be something extra in it for you,'..says The Pope.

Reluctantly,..the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel...The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,..the Pontiff floors it,..accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down,...Your Holiness'..pleads the worried driver,..but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God,..I'm gonna lose my license,'..moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window..as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,..goes Back to his motorcycle,..and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief,'
he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio
and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo
going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,'..says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that..
he's really important,' said the Cop.

The Chief exclaimed,
All the more reason!'

'No,..I mean really important,
said the cop.

The Chief then asked,
Who have you got there,..the Mayor?'

Cop:...Bigger.'

Chief:..'Governor?
Cop:...Bigger.'

'Well,..said the Chief,..Who is it?'

Cop:
'I think it's God!

Chief:..What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the fcking Pope
...as a chauffeur!

Pees eh?

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him

Contiued

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME. CONTINUED

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley ' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a**holes.'

'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two a**holes.'

After Sunday's game, Norman figured he`d better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What`s the Four Play?" says Norman.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

A dresstressed guy in the airport is approached by another who says, "what's up mate". He replies, i've lost my wife.

Well bugger me, so have I, what's yours look like?

He says she is a tall, very attractive blond, great body and dressed in a red mini. She also rarely wares panties so she will attract plenty of attention, Why? what does yours look like?

F*@# mine, let's look for yours.
....

A 90 year old guy is sitting in the gutter whimpering.

A younger guy comes up and says, What's up mate!

The old guy says I recently got married to a 20 year old nimpho.

She has her way with me every night, then, often on weekends she bring a couple of her girl freinds over and they all have their way with me.

So the younger guy says, so, why are you crying about that?

The old guys says, I can't remember where I live!
....

An indian brave goes up to the big cheif and says, why do we have such funny names like, running dear, or sitting bear?

The big chief says, well, when a brave is born I step out of my teepee and the first thing I see is what I name the brave.

But why do you ask, two dogs F---ing!

Piper was working in the kitchen,listening to her five year
old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, and
take your sh1t with you cause this is the last stop.
And all of you bastards that are getting on, get your ass on the
train and put your sh1t under the seat cause we are going down the tracks.

The horrified Piper went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your bedroom and stay there
for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to
take all of your belongings with you" We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue
"For those of you just boarding we ask that you stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat, Remember there is no smoking on the
train.We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today"

As the mother began to smile the child added,
For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay
please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen

antiseptic has given up on marriage. Every 5 years he now just goes out, finds a bitch he hates, and buys her a house.

Tandem story. The process is simple. Antiseptic and Fractelle will pair off. One of you will then the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story, and so on.

STORY: (first paragraph by Fractelle)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once
said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again.
So chamomile was out of the question.

Antiseptic:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important
things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a
year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance
so far..."
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acrossthe
cockpit.

Fractelle:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically
brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.

She stared out the window, dreaming
of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.

Antiseptic:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to
live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.The President,
in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.

The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

Fractelle:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Antiseptic:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of FoCKING TEA?
Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon
novels."

Fractelle:
A$$hole.

Antiseptic:
Bitch.

Fractelle:
W@nker.

Antiseptic:
Slut.

Fractelle:
Get focked.

Antiseptic:
Eat sh!t.

Fractelle:
FoCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

Antiseptic:
Go drink some tea - whore..

Old fella named Dave living out the back of Bourke for 15 years had never seen it rain. So Dave sells up & goes to town to have a couple of beers with the locals before leaving. In the pub Dave starts yarning on & begins to ask if anyone had seen it rain out that way. Mick says he's been ther 20 years & never seen it rain but ask old George. Dave asked the next bloke if he was old George he said no his name was Rod. So Dave asks Rod if he had seen it rain out there & Rod says no not in the 50 years that he had lived there but ask old George.
Well after asking all round & noone seeing it rain & told to ask old George Dave finally sees this old fella with a beard to the floor,a pair of old walking sticks & weather beaten so he looked like leather he asks if he is old George & the old fella says yes.
Dave immediately asks if old George had seen it rain out that way.
Old George thinks for a minute & says yes he had seen it rain. Then Dave quickly asks when & old George replies do you remember the yarn about that bloke called Noah & Dave says yes.
Old George then says that they got 20points(5mm) out of that issue.
Thanks Dave

Have you seen my ninja army? No? That's how good they are.

My neighbour walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" The social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered mum sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Rehctub." All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Rehctub' and the girls are all named 'Rahctub'."

In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Rehctub?"

Their mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Rehctub!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Rehctub!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Rehctub' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Rehctub."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

"Then I call them by their last names."

seeing as this ..these jokes...are/is getting close to the edge...at any rate...i will tell..of one who went to heaven...

and this joke is about..the joke of a last judment day...
its funnier in pictures

anyhow jesus..is first up and god says sun...you are my light...you can sit at my right hand....next comes budda...//..[please note note following...note explaining this part of the joke]

...and god says ....you can sit on my left

oh heck i will explain that budda issue now...budda of course is replaced with other names..in the other realms...

like in the islamb realm..its mahamoud..[may peace be upon them all...and in the realm of the half light its satan...and in the lower realms....[well who cares]

anyhow there is god...and his two favourite's..of mens teachers in the spirit...enthowned next to god..each with god enthoned on their own hearts...within and without

anyhow the third...to be judged...steps up
lets call this one grayham young o
r some other such name

but not hasselblack that joke ...i cant get

anyhow...grayham young..stands before god
and god says who are you

grayham says...im grayham young..sir

god looks up and says ...ooooops

sorry..didnt realise...i was sitting in your chair

ok..that was the punch//line...

ba boom...lol

ok now grayham
what you going to do with that pair each side of you?

its ok
we all got one good and one not good angel
on our shoulders..too/as well..

its our choice..which we chose to listen to

Anti was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for 19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00"? Anti asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
.
.
.
.
.
.
Col and Dave were having a drink after work.

Col says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Dave.

"Well, see the other day when buying airline tickets, instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Dave. "Last time I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "Shut up you witch, you've ruined my life!"
.
.
.
.
.
Foxy and her hubby, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. Her husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", Foxy said.

"That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, Foxy flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

Foxy replies, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Told to me by an old Koorie,
Little Koorie boy Dave comes home from school all excited & runs into the kitchen to see his mum who is making a big damper & in little Daves excitement he trips & falls head over heals into the flour.
Little Dave jumps up has a look in the mirror & says to mum look mum I'm a white boy mum immediately smacks his face & tells him to go to his nan where little Dave repeats what he said, & nan smacks his face & tells him to see his pop.
Little Dave sees his pop & tells him the same thing & pop smacks his face twice & tells him to see his father.
Little Dave sees his father & his father smacks his face twice & tells him to go back to his mum.
When little Dave goes back to mum, mum asks what happened & little Dave tells her all what happened & mum asks what has little Dave learnt by all this.
Little Dave replies well I have only been white for twenty minutes & already I don't like you Black Buggers.
Thanks for your time Dave
P.S.I am part Koorie & so is my Son.

MARRIAGE AND BICYCLES ...

A young man came to the home of his future in-laws
with the purpose of asking his girl's father for
his blessing to their marriage.

The father in the meantime had a bicycle that he wanted
to sell. He'd placed an ad in the local paper and
waited for a response.

When the young man turned up, the father assumed he'd
come to buy the bicycle, not having met the young man
previously.

"Come on out the back and we'll talk," the father motioned
for the young man to follow him. Which he did gladly.

"Well, let's do a bit of negotiating here," said the father.
"Fine Sir, I don't have a problem with that," replied the
young man.
"What are you offering?" asked the father.
"To share my entire life," answered the young man.
"That's a bit obsessive isn't it?" said the father.
"But I mean it!" said the young man.
"Well, that's your business, I guess," said the father.

"How much do you think she's worth to you?" asked the father.
"The whole world!" cried the young man.
"Christ, you're really strange," said the father, losing
his patience.

"Look, I'll tell you what. I'll be honest and fair.
Give me fifty bucks and she's all yours. She's not
what you'd call brand new, if you know what I mean.
Her front's all used up, air's escaping out of her rear end.
She's a bit chipped around the edges, and wobbly.
Yeah, fifty bucks will do it for me.
Fifty and we've got a deal!" said the father smiling.
He turned to look at where the young man had been standing.
He'd disappeared.

"Where's the young lad that was here a minute ago?" the father
asked his wife.
"Oh, he just bolted past me as if shot out of a cannon,"
replied his wife.

off to a coooroberreee
the joke is its going to rain ...a bit...lol
so im going on the bike
and getting wet

because uncle dennis says its time

Received: Friday, 4 September, 2009, 1:33 PM

Dear Treaty Member /Supporter, This weekend Treaty Circles are occurring at a property, near Murwillumbah.

There has been considerable disturbance here in relation to the World Motor Rally and traditional owners(among others). Some people protesting the rally will be camping at this property and Bejam will be conducting Treaty Circles with those who wish to participate.

Already other Treaty members have arrived, as there has been considrable work needed to be done in terms of healing etc...the rifts that have divided the Indigenous and non-Indigenous people in this area.

All Treaty members/guests..are invited to attend...There have been considerable developments in processes at local,regional and national levels.

There will be Elders here..from other Australian Indigenous Nations discussing Sovereignty/ Treaty...Please give your support...To attend this weekend..,come for the day or for the weekend.

Bring camping gear etc...Directions...Go to Murwillumbah;..take signs to Kyogle/Uki....About ten minutes out of Murwillumbah,..on the Kyogle/Uki road,..there is a turnoff to Tyalgum.

turn here and head towards Tyalgum,..until you get to a big Hari Krishna Community sign...Turn in to this driveway.

There is a bridge crossing the river you will see to the right of the bridge our camp. W are not in the Hari Krishna property but next door.

The traditional owner living there is Uncle Harry Boyd and the non-Indigenous land owner is James McKenzie.

Check out their website also;..google:..wallumbiny momoli....Also check newspapers, other media for info. regarding the motor rally, etc.

We are all so requesting urgently for any financial assistance from treaty members and your own networks. There is very serious business going on in terms of the push for Sovereignty and Treaty and one of the stresses that would be alleviated is finance and resource.

People have travelled along way to do this business,..so any thing will help.

Please contact Fiona..on 0402541548..or make a deposit into Uncle Denis' account directly...for the time being- ANZ..Br: 014231 , Acc. :53129862

INDIAN KNOW HOW!

An English tourist on a tour of the American Indian
Reservations was told by a local that the Chief of
this particular Trading Post was psychic.

The tourist was somewhat skeptical.

"There he is now," said the local, pointing to the
Chief who was sitting on a bench outside the store.
"Go ahead pal, ask him anything you like, you'll see
he'll know the answer."

"Allright I will," said the tourist walking towards the
Chief.
"Good Morning Chief, they tell me you know everything around
here. OK, can you tell me what I had for breakfast this
morning?" asked the tourist.

The Chief looked at the English tourist and replied slowly,
"EGGS!"
"By George that's absolutely correct!" said the amazed tourist.
"Well, I won't doubt your word again," he added to the local.

Quite a few years went by, and the English tourist found himself
at the same Indian Trading Post, and would you believe
he saw the same Indian Chief sitting in the same spot,
on the bench outside the store.

The tourist walked towards the Chief as he had done in the
previous time and by way of greeting - he said to the Chief:
"HOW, CHIEF!"
To which the Chief calmly replied:
"SCRAMBLED!"

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the
nursinghome,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Cooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched "STOP!" he shouted in a
firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and
held
it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled
out a
drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on,
ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable
erection in
his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Some humour from the late, great George Carlin:

On our similarities.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgps85scy1g

Shuggie was sick of his wife and asked his mate, Tam, if he had any ideas of how to kill her.
'Shag her to death' said Tam, 'it won't be immediate but she'll gradually kak it over the next six months'.
So Shuggie took Tam's advice and four months later, Tam takes a stroll through the public park and sees Shuggie sitting on a bench by the tennis courts. He is shocked to see Shuggie as a shadow of his former self, haggard and skinny and asks what's up. Shug says, 'It's all this shagging that's wearing me out' He points to the tennis court where his very healthy-looking wife is bounding around serving and returning and says 'but look at that stupid bitch, she doesn't know that she's only got two months to live'.

I was driving through this town one day doing about 70 in a 60 zone when this copper pulled in behind me & put the lights on, so I increased the speed to about 100kph while still in the 60 zone so he then put the siren on.
I was starting to head out of town so I increased the speed to 160kph & still this copper kept coming so I increased the speed to 200kph & still this bugger was on my tail so I flattened it 260-280kph & we were like that for about 20 klms & I couldn't shake the bugger so I pulled over & this copper got out with the book in hand pen in the other & was saying that I better have a good excuse for doing the speeds that I had been doing.
That's when I told him that I did have a good excuse & he snapped what would that bloody well be.
So I replied that one of his bloody mates had p1ssed off with the missus about three years back & I thought it was him trying to give her back. Thanks Dave

BIBLE SALESMAN...

While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor found
several cartons of brand new Bibles that had never
been opened and distributed.

So, at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from
the congregation to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each
to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Lew all raised their hands to volunteer for the
job. The pastor knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were more than capable of selling the Bibles - but
he had his doubts about Lew who was a local farmer, who'd
always kept to himself embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Lew stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Lew the
Pastor gave him the job anyway.

The Pastor asked them to meet him and report the results of their
door-to-door efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were the Pastor
immediately asked, "How'd you make out selling our Bibles
last week?"

"Using my savy as a professional salesman - here's the $200
I collected on behalf of the Church," replied Jack proudly.

"Fine job, Jack!" said the minister shaking his hand.

Turning to Paul, the minister asked, "How did you do?"

Paul, smiling confidently replied, "Here's $280 I collected!"

"That's absolutely splendid Paul!"

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Lew and said, "And
Lew, how did you do this week?"

Lew silently offered the minister a large envelope.

"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Lew, there's
$3200 in here. You sold 320 Bibles for the church,
door-to-door, in just one week?"

Lew just nodded. "That's impossible!" shouted Jack and Paul.

"It does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better tell us how you did it Lew."

Lew shrugged, "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't know
f-f-for s-s-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted, "For crying out loud Lew,
tell us what you said after they answered the door."

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Lew replied.

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-you b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or- w-w-w-would
y-y-you like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in
town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his
waist,
and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman
answered.
"Lady," the attend ant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

The cowboy, & his new bride had just left the church, after getting married, & were heading back to the homestead in the sulky. After a few miles the horse stumbles. The cowboy stops the sulky, & says to the horse, I've told you to pick your feet up, & stop this stumbling.

Like everything else, you've got 3 chances, to get it right.

A few miles later the horse stumbles again. The sulky is stopped, & the cowboy says calmly, "horse, that's once".

A few miles later it hapens again, another stop, & the cowboy says, "horse, that's twice".

When they have come in sight of the homestead, but still 5 miles away, the horse stumbles, yet again. This time they stop, the cowboy gets down from the sulky, walks to the front of the horse. Calm as ever, he pulls his six gun, says, "horse that's three times" & shoots it dead.

As the horse falls to the ground, his new wife starts yelling at him, that it was stupid thing to do, to shoot the horse, when they are still 5 miles from home.

Holding up his hand for silence, the cowboy says, calmly as ever, "woman, that's once".

Saturday morning on Magnetic Island and Ludwig got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

He hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

His loving wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
.
.
.
.
.
Belly was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the other party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're ALP through and through... Why change now?"

Belly leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
.
.
.
.
Peter the Believer asked a defendant if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked Peter. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
.
.
.
.
SJF, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
Exam, "And how would you do that?"
SJF, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
SJF, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
Exam starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
Exam, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
.
.
.
.
I asked my husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked me up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

Fractelle went to the chemist, walked up to the Houel the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

Houel asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

'I need it to poison my husband.' Fractelle replied

Houel’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Bloody hell Fractelle! Get your hand off it! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! They'll toss us both in jail. All kinds of bad crap could happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

Fractelle reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Houel’s wife.

Houle looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You should’ve said you had a prescription.'
.
.
.
.
.
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fucken blanket.
.
.
.
.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Dave & his mate were talking about the most deadly sound that they could recall.
Dave's mate reckoned that it would have to have been when he was in bed with this blokes missus & he came home from a trip early & sprung them at it in the dead of the night.So he made a jump for the window & as he was getting out the window he heard that sound you know the sound of the hammers on a double barrel shot clicking back.
Well Dave thought that to be fairly deadly & said so but went on to describe something similar.
In bed with a blokes missus dead of night bloke comes home Dave makes a dive for the window. It is one of those that the bottom lifts up & was held up by a rod. Well as Dave dives out he knocks the rod out & as he is stuck with the head & arms outside & the legs on the inside,window on back & worst still no time to don the dacks.
Next thing Dave felt the stones being held, aaaannd have you ever heard the sound the teeth make trying to open a rusty pocket knife.
Thanks from Dave

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a mans heart beats faster,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees and
begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

Its because she smells like a new golf bag

A man walks into the bedroom just as his wife is looking at herself in the big mirror.

Just look at me she says, my bum is too big, my thighs are too fat, I have big love handles, I have bingo flaps and my boobs have dropped.

I really need cheering up and if you were considerate you would find something to say about me that is good.

Well, he said, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

You see there was this Yabby guy from Hillbilly country in the good old farmin’ region in WA and since live exports were flourishing, he wanted to buy another pastoral property to accommodate a new flock of sheep. So off he went in his trusty ol’ Buick – up north there past the Eastern Goldfields to inspect this property ya see.

The pastoralist invited the Yabby dude to wander around the property but warned him if he saw any emus to be careful because the emus were notorious for pecking out the eyes of the unwary. The Yabby went off, wanderin’ round saltbush country whilst estimating how many bucks he could screw the owner for when he spied a mob of vicious looking emus and they were rapidly heading his way.

On previous advice from the owner, he quickly dug a hole to put his head in it thus avoiding being attacked, but unbeknown to the Yabby, the owner, who was a nancy boy, was witnessing all this kerfuffle.

The owner, overcome from pervin’ on the Yabby’s butt stuck in the air, went over, jumped on and was helping himself when he heard the Yabby’s pitiful voice arising from the hole:

“You can peck me bum all ya like but ya not gonna get me eyes ya hear!

‘The Italian Shadow Minister’s Junket to Detroit

One a daya I'ma go to Detroit to a biga hotel. Ina morning I'ma go down to eta the breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast.

She bring me only one a piss,

I tella I wanna two piss's, she say to go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna two piss ona my plate,

She say you better not piss on your plate, you sonnava bitch.

I don'ta know the lady and she calla me sonnava bitch.

Later I'ma go to eta at biga restaurant,

The waitress bringa me spoon and knife but no fock,

I tell her I wanna fock,

She tell me everybody wanna fock,

I tell her you no unnerstan, I wanna fock ona table,

She say you better no fock ona table, you sonnava bitch

So I'ma go back in my room inna hotel and theres no sh#t ona my bed,

I calla the manager an tell him I wanna sh#t ona my bed.

He tella me go to the toilet.

I say you no unnerstan, I say again I wanna sh#t ona my bed, he say you better not sh#t ona the bed you sonnava bitch.

So I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "peace on you".

So I say piss on you too you sonnava bitch.

I'ma gonna back to Italy

A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mum rather vigorously. While his mum doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.

The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!

The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MUM, IS IT!"

Dear oh dear Mrs Piper. You're a sick puppie!!

But a bloomin funny one!! ( :>)

Whats the difference between a great lawyer and a brilliant lawyer?

A Great lawyer knows the law,but a brilliant lawyer knows the judge.

A judge dies and goes below where he is stuck on the wall, fire and brimstone is burning around his feet, a demon walks past every now and again and gives him a few lashes with a whip and a little while later one comes past with some salty water and gives him a splash.

He sees a solicitor he knew not far away screwing a blond all day long.

The Devil walks past; The judge says Hoy, whats the idea. That solicitor used to come into my court all the time,and I'm up here and down there he is having a whale of a time.

The Devil looks sternly at the judge: Are you questioning my punishment of that woman!

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in
a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the
food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back
home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called
McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way
for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
will buy the5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion,
the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you
buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in
Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot
in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all
the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on
the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman
"Did this actually happen to you."
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it
did happen to my sister."

.

Wiremu, a Kiwi, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Runner made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Pelican had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Knock Knock!

Husband desides to rearrange the bedroom while the wife goes shopping, so the wife tells husband not to look in the shoe box on top of the wardrobe & husband promises not to.
Well husband is moving the wardrobe & the shoe box falls spilling the contents which is three eggs & $3,500.
Wife comes home & husband tells of the innocent accident & wife forgives him. So husband asks what are the three eggs & wife replies every time she has had an affair she would put an egg in the shoe box.
Husband thinks three affairs in twenty five years isn't bad as he has strayed himself.
So he asks what the $3,500 is about & the wife replies every time she got a dozen eggs she would sell them.
Thanks from Dave

Kevin is hitch-hiking around New Zealand and thumbs a lift from a passing truck. While they're driving through the countryside the truckie spots a sheep, it's head stuck in a fence, stuggling to free itself. He pulls over the rig, climbs out and just before walking back says to his passenger "I'll just be a minute, I hope you don't mind".
"Of course not" said Kevin, touched by the kindness the driver was showing for the distressed animal. After 10 minutes Kevin was geting a bit concerned, perhaps he should have offered to help right from the start. So Kevin wanders back to assist only to find the driver having his wicked way with the prone sheep.
Somewhat embaressed the driver stopped, and as an afterthought asked Kevin if he wanted a turn.
"Well" thinking Kevin to himself "I've never tried it before and it does look like fun".
So Kevin says "ok, I'm game",
And sticks his head through the fence.

Okay TPP,
Who's there,

Why NZ race horses so fast they see what they do to the sheep

Why don't you walk in the jungle between midnight & 6am? Elephants hide in jungle trees at night & might fall on you

Why do elephants paint their rocks red? To hide in apple trees after dark.

Why are crocodiles long & flat? They went walking in the jungle between midnight & 6am.

How did Tarzan die? He went picking apples after dark

What is the red & black stuff between elephants toes? Slow pygmies.

TPP: Knock Knock
Dave, Who's there,
Myth,
.
.
.
.
.
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. Col spends a few seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to everyone’s amazement, Col gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

A man and his wife are on a nude beach. They are just sitting there,

when all of a sudden a bee flies up into the woman's vagina. Her

husband quickly scoops her up, tosses her into the car, and heads

for the hospital.

The doctor calmly tells the couple, "My prongs are not long enough

so I cannot reach the bee, but I have a better idea. Why don't you

put some honey on the end of your penis, and when the bee lands on

it, pull out and we'll kill it." The husband agrees, so they go to

another room.

As they begin to try, the husband becomes so nervous that he can't

get it up. The couple yells for the doctor to come in. The doctor

enters, and they tell him their problem.

"You know, if she gets stung it could be fatal, so this is very

dangerous. Why don't you let me try?" The couple agrees.

So the doctor puts some honey on his penis and puts it inside the

woman. He starts pumping slowly, and then he increases his pace.

Faster and faster, harder and harder, until he's finally vigorously

thrusting in and out.

"What are you doing?" yells the husband.

"There's been a change of plans," says the doctor, "I'm gonna drown

the bastard!

Yeh righto TPP myth who?

TPP: Knock knock
Dave: Who’s there?
TPP: Myth
Dave: Myth who?
Myth You Too Dave!
.
.
.
.
Graham invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Graham's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Graham and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Graham and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Graham volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Suzy came to Graham and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Graham said, "I don’t really understand what you’re saying, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure."

Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Graham

A couple of days later, Graham received a reply from his mother:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum

Piper

For consistent quality, quantity and very clever humour I vote you the winner of the Great Jokes thread.

Cheers m'dear.

Hear hear. Good call Fractelle.

>>For consistent quality, quantity and very clever humour I vote [Piper] the winner of the Great Jokes thread.<<

The scary thing for me has been the number of them that I hadn't heard before.

I really must get out more.

i read the punchline..before reading the joke...but im with fractile..your a winner...piper

but as were a competitive lot here..[and having had the pleasure of meeting grayhams partner..the link to the ladel...represented her witty bounty in its fullness]...means their contentment goes beyong mere utensil's/possesions...but dont think the joking is over

grayham has some good stuff...and others simply havnt posted...so im thinking now search for more humour...so saying a joke..about the piper

Q:..How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:..Five...One to do it,..and four to criticise his fingering style...to tell him how much better..it was done..in the old days.

Q:..How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A:..he can throw a set..into the middle of a pond..and not hit any of the ducks.

Q:..How is playing a bagpipe..like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A:..You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q:..If you were lost in the woods,..who would you trust for directions,..an in-tune bagpipe player,..an out-of-tune bagpipe player,..or Santa Claus?

A:..The out-of-tune bagpipe player...The other two..indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q:..How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A:..Add vibrato.

Q:..What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:..Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Scots fighting over a one cent coin.

Phil,..Aiton and Mike were discussing their marital woes at the pub.
"I think my wife is having an affair with a mechanic" said Phil..."Why?" asked the other two. ..I looked under the bed the other day and found a pair of overalls,..a spanner and socket wrench" replied Phil despondently.

"I think my wife's having an affair with a bricklayer"..volunteered Aiton..."Why?" asked the other two..."I looked under the bed the other day and found a trowel and a mortar board"..he choked. "Gee" they all sighed.

Mike thought for a minute then said.."Well, my wife is having an affair..with a bagpipe"..."What?"..exclaimed the other two..."Yeah, I looked under the bed..the other day..and found a piper"

more
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant,..asthmatic pig under his arm.

Unfortunately,..the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

You have to be deaf in order to really appreciate the bagpipes.
-- my son

Piping is my hobby... I'm allowed to be bad at it.
-- my brother

Bagpipes... the missing link between music and noise.

If thy neighbour offend thee,..give each of his children bagpipes.
-- Old Scottish Proverb.

You know you're a piper's wife..when he sits in the car with his arm around his pipes..just like he used to do to you when you were dating.

You know you're a piper's wife..if you are flattered..when he gallantly pulls a chair from the table..you are about to sit at.....and then..puts his pipes on it.

You know you're a piper's wife..if he spends his weekends on the band bus..instead of painting the house.

An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches..."How long has he been playing the pipes?"..a bystander asks the wife.
"Oh, about 60 years,...but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

Q...Why do pipers have such large families?
A...Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.
http://web.ripnet.com/~nimmos/humour/humour_2.html
has heaps more

Thanks guys, OUG you had me nearly in tears with your first joke – it’s all about the delivery- and Fractelle I got stuck for ages watching youtube clips of that comedian you put a link up to. Pericles is right though and it is really hard finding new jokes.

And I’m not finished either.[grin] This next one, I seriously didn’t get it – I had to wait for hubby to come home to explain it to me, which he did in one word I might add.
.
.
.
.
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son Seeker coming home from school.

Little Seeker's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks the pig.

He walks a little further and kicks the cow.

Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, Seeker. For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment Seeker's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?”

As an old sports car lover, my favourite joke is,

Why did they fit spot lights, as standard equiptment, to all Triumph sports cars?

"So you could see the tow rope, without blinding the bloke towing you home".

OUG - excellent collection. Got me thinking about bagpipes, however and there is one piper who (arguably) played the best pipes in history, and I doubt he would've been described as a gentleman.

Another dead person, Bon Scott was long gone before I discovered AC\DC, too young at the time. However this vid shows just how cool a set of bagpipes can be and shows clips of my home town.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGflPNVmQuA

I do theatre-sports, but I don't tell jokes - love the adrenalin of thinking on my feet. Oddly, while I can learn lines I don't remember jokes very well.

I do admire stand-up comedians, toughest gigs in the world.

Piper you might enjoy (and waste more time) on Tim Minchin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGzhutyOMSk

BTW, Tim is very much alive and well.

Cheers

Andrew went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, and that there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

“Well” says Andrew, “I have had an erection for weeks now and it wont go away.”

The pharmacist asked the man to wait while she went to consult with her sister.

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Jackie Jackie goes up to the pro & asks how much, The pro replies hand job $20, head job $50, missionary job $100 & an all night job $500, Jackie Jackie thinks for a moment then asks You got anything without the job.

Three foot dwarf goes into chemist & wants to buy a three foot condom,
The chemist tells the dwarf he will have to order it in come back in a week.
A week goes by & the dwarf returns & sure enough the chemist has the three foot condom, the dwarf pays for it then opens it & stretches it all the way over himself.
After doing this he mumbles to the chemist what do I look like. The chemist didn't want to offend but replied you look like a bloody big pr1ck & the dwarf happily replies thanks I am sick of everyone calling me a little cu/t.

A burglar broke into OUG’s house and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of person would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of person who would name their pit bull Jesus".
.
.
.
.
Otokonoko had dyed his hair multi-coloured and he goes and sits next to Crackup on a park bench. Crackup stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, Crackup?" says the Otokonoko. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

Crackup replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
.
.
.
.
Little Yabby’s dad asked his son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Yabby said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Yabby what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Yabby sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex then there’s nothing left!"
.
.
.
.
Six year old Cornflower comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and Cornflower says...

"Now she knows."
.
.
.
.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,
but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot in the head.

Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.

Dear Piper,

A: Mush-room?

TAXING GRANDPA...

The Taxation Department decided to audit Grandpa, and
summoned him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office
Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his solicitor.

The auditor said, "Well, Sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the Taxation Department finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, " says Grandpa.
"How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment, then says,
"Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's
jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes
the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty
much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," replies the solicitor. "This morning, when
Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet
me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and
piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Kudos Foxy.

Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?

Piper

Tuesday was the name of a horse.

BTW; How do you know if you are a pirate?

Benk:"How do you know if you are a pirate?"

I do not know Benk, how does one know if they are a pirate?

.

Q: What gets wetter as it dries?

.

.
(Hey I found some private correspondance!)

Dear Fractelle,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut and had cooked your favorite meal and then you sat posting messages on OLO all evening. You’re cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Your sister and I are moving away to WA together.

Dear Ex-Husband,

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice and it was my sisters favourite meal you cooked. After all of this and with advice from OLO users I decided I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. But have a nice life anyway.

Fractelle

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister was born my brother.

Ahhh, some wonderful jokes ladies, congratulations!

Keep em coming, its a shame that not more OLO posters had jokes
to contribute.

With your kind of sense of humour, you will always be popular
with the fellas.

What is the difference between outlaws & inlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Why do elephants wear ripple sole shoes? To give the ants a 50/50 chance.
Man who lay undercar with tool in hand, not necessary mechanic
Man who fill tart with cream, not necessary baker
Man who has hand in pocket, not necessary counting money
Woman who stand near cliff in raw, sure to get knocked off
Woman who fly upside down in plane, sure to have big crack up
and woman who lay on inner spring in spring, sure to have offspring next spring
Thanks All have a great life from Dave

One Sick one:- Dad in bed with daughter says daughter your better than mum and daughter replies yeah her brother told her.
Good night All from Dave.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Crap."

Piper

Q; How do you know if you are a pirate?

A; You just aaahhhhrrr me hearty.

Q; What gets wetter as it dries?

A; A towel.

Peter the Believer, with this post to the 'Power with Pride going Belly-up?' thread ( http://forum.onlineopinion.com.au/thread.asp?discussion=3050#71526 ) has called to mind an old joke. At the risk of earning a Kyle award, here it is. Now concentrate.

Question: What's better, gas or electricity?

Answer: Gas. Six million Jews can't be wrong.

"Bad, very bad, Forrest!" Forrest's alter-egotist admonished sternly. Briefly Forrest wondered whether his alter-egotist was, or had been, a member of the Stern Gang. His unexpected encounter with his alter-egotist had been quite terrifying. Forrest hurriedly took refuge in Mel Brooks' observation with respect to the propriety of humour given when once discussing 'The Producers' on a TV chat show, that "anything can be the subject of humour, provided its funny".

Visions of the chorus line in 'The Producers', formed up as an all-singing all-dancing rotating swastika, passed before Forrest's mind's eye. ROFL!

Forrest was brought back to the unpleasant reality of the present by the shouted command, "Right, youse lot, back on yer heads!"

Smoko in hell was over.

lest i reveal the joke recently obama went to beukeveld camp where 15,000 jews died...yeah i know its not funny...but 30,000 not jews[goys] died there as well...

i thought it was funny the news services didnt cover that bit...the total death toll at one of thousands of them work till you die camps was 45,000...[one third of which was non goy]

so imk wondering if 6 million jews died...what of the 12 thousand non jews...home o sexuals/homeless/sick/old feeble...died...i know 45,000.000 [million xtians died on the warsaw death marches...run by the teutonic zionist bolchovic's....funny thing about the facts [eh]

ever add up the non goys in the media...[15 percent]...oh well at least their law says no ursury[except the goy...the joke just gets funnier..they run babking finance media atomics do styorage odf security info...store the us arms..run politics...the joke getts funnier and funnier

it would be hilarious if the realised the messiah all ready came..revealing the life giver sustaining all life..emmanuel[god within all life...funny that aye..the messiah declared..that we do to the least we did to god[even them guyam..clay men following no goy orders...see the joke

its hillarious once you get it
he came to his own who knew him not
http://www.moshiach.com/scholars/resources/jokes.php
http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/archive/Biden-Cracks-Obama-Messiah-Joke-at-Gridiron.html
http://barackobamajokes.googlepages.com/presidentobamajokes
Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?

A. Nobody knows.

Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.

Q. Why won't President Obama have a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?

A. Vice President Biden will be out of town.

G'Day All,
One I read on a door that I thought the ones with teenagers might like

"Hire a Teenager, While still know it all"

Thanks have a good life from Dave

I think "they" is supposed to be in there but it is left out to have a go at the oldies that forget things.
Thanks Dave

ALMOST THERE...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car
and saw a couple inside with the car light on.

There was a young man in the driver's seat reading
a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
filling out a crossword puzzle. He stopped to
investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, opened the car window,
and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man.
"I'm reading a magazine."

"And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,
"What does it look like? She's doing a crossword
puzzle."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the
young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch, smiled, and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen!"

A few years later and Foxy’s young couple are on their way to church to get married and are in a fatal car crash.

Outside the pearly gates they ask St Peter if it is still possible to get married. St Peter goes through the gates telling them to wait saying he will be back with an answer.

While he is gone they wonder if they should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder.

St. Peter returns after a couple of months, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard down.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the couple.

St. Peter glares at them, "It took me a whole month to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Finally dragged one out from the depths.

CJ was on holiday in a small Mexican village, watching the fisherman unloading some large yellow fin tuna from his boat.

"Nice fish" said CJ "Take you long to get them?

"Not long. Couple of hours"

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked CJ

"My friend, I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

CJ was curious "What do you do with the rest of your time?"

"Amigo, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life."

"But listen" said CJ " If you spent more time fishing, you'd catch more, and you could buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The fisherman thought about this for a while, "But, how long will this all take?"

"Oh," said CJ "15 years, maybe 20"

"But what then?"

"That's the best part." said CJ. "When the time is right you announce an IPO, sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

"Come now", said CJ, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos..."

It was time to take the old dear to be looked after. She couldn't even remember to eat, poor thing.

It was sad, seeing her sitting their in her wheelchair as I chatted to the nurse about her care.

Such a nice girl, that nurse. Even while we were talking, she'd notice that the old lady was tilting sideways, and straighten her up.

Must have happened half a dozen times. Mum would lean to the left, then to the right, each time the nurse was attentive enough to catch her and set her upright again.

When it was time to go, I looked Mum in the eyes. "Mum" I said "These nice people will look after you. You don't have to worry about a thing".

I could see her lips moving a little, so leant in to try and catch what she was saying.

Couldn't hear at first, but when I got right next to her, I could just catch the words, very faintly

"They won't let me fart."

Finally somebody made me laugh out loud - you're an utter bastard Pericles...

The fart joke was funny too. Actually, I once attended a seminar presentation of an anthropological paper that explored the continuity of fart jokes across cultures, from a postmodernist perspective. Apparently everybody finds farts funny.

I thought the paper was somewhat on the nose.

Mind you, from personal experience I can attest that the old 'pull my finger' gag works with all children, across all cultures that I've had anything to do with.

Foxy and Piper's most recent jokes were very good too, but loved Pericles joke on CJ - clever, ironic and true.

As for 'pull my finger' - I can remember creepy old men asking me to do so when I was a kid - and I never did, it was years before I discovered the link to farting. Even as a kid I wouldn't be manipulated.

Here's one for Pericles:

"Pericles was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped him chart his future business prospects. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and Pericles said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."

OH DEAR..i thought i would yahoo up..for ye all..the ode to the fart
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=A0oGkmaZjqlKvjkBouyl87UF?p=ode+to+the+fart&fr=sfp&fr2=&iscqry=

but wouldnt you know...im wading up to my neck in em

do fart have lumps?

i think..i just might have..pooped me pants

anyhow wading in most..[except this one]
http://www.misscellania.com/miss-cellania/2009/8/25/ode-to-a-fart.html

link to this

Rabbie Burns,..Ode tae a fart?

ODE TAE A FART

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly..after the feastie
Just as ye sit..doon..among yer kin
There starts to stir..an enormous wind

The neeps..an tatties..and mushy peas
Start working..like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding..wi the saucie face
Will have ye blawin..all ower the place

Nae matter..whit the hell..ye dae
A’body’s gonna..have ta pay

Even if ye try tae stifle
It’s like a bullet..cumming..oot a rifle.

Hawed yer bum...tight tae the chair
Tae try an stop..the leakin air

Shift yerself..frae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God..it disen-nae leak

But awe yer efforts..go asunder
Oot it comes..like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me!..A sonic boom!

God almighty..[foorgive me lord]...how badly..it fairly reeks
Hope ah huvne..broke ma breeks
Tae the bog..ah better scurry
Aw,..whit the hell,

..it’s no ma worry

An erry’body roon aboot me...choking
Wan or twa..of em..are nearly bokin

I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help..but raise a smile

Wis him!...
was him...I shout with accusing glower
Alas!..Too late...he’just keeled ower

Ye dirty bugger..they shout and stare
Ah...feel welcome nae mair

Were e’re ye go,
let yer wind gang free
Sounds like just the job for me

Whit a fuss..at Rabbie’s party
Ower the sake...o wan wee farty!

R.S. Burns

Its Fast farting

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart

Q; What gets wetter as it dries?

Benk:”A; A towel”

There is just no getting one past you people.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
.
.
.
.
A woman was paying for some items in Rehctub’s shop - a small packet of bacon, 2 sausages and 200gms of minced lamb. Rehctub said, "You're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied Rehctub.

Piper: << Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? >>

Well, if it's on the floor, Spot. If it's in the water, Bob.

But it doesn't really matter what you call it, because it can't come anyway.

St Peter comes out one morning & there is 100 priests at the pearly gates so St Peter says righto any pedophiles amoungst youse can leave so 99 turned around & started to leave. St Peter looks at the remaining one & after a minute or so he yells out to the 99 & says take your deaf mate with youse.
There are 2 lines at the pearly gates one for hen pecked husbands & one for non hen pecked husbands & down through the ages there has never been anyone on the non hen pecked husband line until this day St Peter comes out & sees this one bloke standing on the non hen pecked husband line. St Peter goes over & asks why he is standing on that line , the bloke replies that his wife told him to stand there.
Thanks have a good life From Dave

Damn it CJ!

Who is a predator that hunts nothing, a crustacean without a shell, a brain south of the esophagus , a geometric shape with a voice, a broken vessel that doesn’t leak, a stringed instrument that makes no noise, a test without questions, movement with no progress, a measure of things with no ruler, a finder without eyes, a dyslexic without the impairment, a bird that does not fly, a blossom with no petals, a cleaner who fights dirty , a wood without trees, a redneck who is broad minded, a song without a voice?

oh dear piper...my brain is melting

quote<<..Who..is a predator that hunts nothing,>>..a dead one?

<<a crustacean without a shell,>>a sea-slug>

<<a brain south of the esophagus>>..a tape worm?

<<a geometric shape with a voice>>squarepeg sponge bob is suggested

<<a broken vessel that doesn’t leak,>>one thats not used?

<<a stringed instrument that makes no noise,>>..a tampon?

<<a test without questions>>..gossip?....riddles?..,jokes[but not knock knocker jokes

<<movement with no progress,>>fore play[four some]

<<a measure of things with no ruler,>>>a rabble?

<<a finder without eyes,>>a feeler seeking a thought

<<a dyslexic without the impairment>>..a di-sexliyc,

<<a bird that does not fly,>>emmmmuuu

<<a blossom with no petals>>,...a fruit

<<a cleaner who fights dirty>>.the siumpson cleaner dude

<<a wood without trees,...golfer without his tee

<<a redneck who is broad minded,>>russ hinze

<<a song without a voice?>>sheet music....aye

a dance without movement...a speach without speaker...a voice of echo's...writing without spell-ing...times without clocks...fun without thought...questions without answer...reason beyond reasoning

OUG, I liked some of your answers better than the ones I phrased the questions for. You are a complete honey of a man who got every single answer wrong.[smile]

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

thats simply not possable piper..i usually am right one third of the time...you MUST HAVE asked the wrong questions...

but to issue forth..that many thrusts..
i must have..hit the sweet spot..at least once

anyhow this i seary[sorry arse stuff up big time]

but big chief sitting bull...was having difficulty with bowl movement..so yabby gave him a bottle of pills..with the instruction take one after eating...anyhow big chief sent a messenger to docter

doc ..how did it go?
mess...big chief no shittte
doc,,tell him take two each meal time..let me know tomorrow

next day
doc how did it go?
mess...big chief no shhhhhit
doc...tell him to take the rest of the bottle

next day
doc...how did it go?
mess...bbbbigggg shhhhhittttte...no chief

anyhow there you go

let me know if i hit the right spot
us guys fluke it occasionally..you know...aye?

OUG I may have asked the wrong questions but your focus was drifting at a distance in the realms as your thoughts are inclined to do. It is in front of you honey, all the answers lie here and I suspect lie often here. Each thrust went awry and satisfaction not given.

I expect one who is part of the answer may riddle me better.
.
.
.
.
A boy was walking down a street. As he passed a building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

TPP
One a little similar:- Bloke in toilet sitting on dunny looks for some paper to wipe the butt & can't find any but he sees this hole in the wall & wriiten above the hole is " place finger in hole it will be licked clean.
The blokes thinks & then wipes his butt with his finger & then places it in the hole.
As the finger comes through the wall there is a bloke there with a hammer & hits the finger as hard as he can.
The first bloke screams oh my focking finger while extracting his finger & raising it to his mouth.
Thanks have a great life from Dave

Posted by dwg, Sunday, 13 September 2009 10:25:44 AM. Good one dwg. Life is getting better already.

Also liked your post of Friday, 4 September 2009 11:47:58 AM. ROFL.

This one was told to me years ago by my platoon sergeant.

The place: Rome, the Colosseum.

The time: Around the time of year zero.

The occasion: Public administration of disciplinary punishments to defaulting Roman soldiers.

Out in the centre of the arena a hole, like a post-hole, but a bit wider, and around six feet deep, had been dug. The spoil was in a heap nearby.

Shortly, a door leading into the arena opens, and a squad of eight Roman soldiers, carrying, chained rigidly to a six foot long plank, an absolutely huge Nubian* - shiny head shaven bald, white teeth contrasting sharply with his jet black skin. "Sinister dexter, sinister dexter. ...... Octet .... terminus" came the commands from the centurion overseeing the punishments. The octet then lowered the chained-up Nubian into the hole, only his head remaining above ground level.

"Spadulus" came the command, and the octet filled the hole with spoil right up to the Nubian's neck. They were then marched off, the arena remaining empty of all save just a black head.

A portculis rose, and a very hungry-looking lion with a huge mane entered the arena. Spotting the black head in the centre, it crouched briefly, then charged. In its hunger-driven anticipation it misjudged its final spring and overshot the immovable but living head. The snow white teeth of the Nubian closed on the lion's scrotum. The lion rolled away, roaring and writhing in agony.

There was a massive collective intake of breath. The Roman plebian crowd were stunned. It took a second or two for what had happened to sink in. Then the crowd rose to its feet as one, shouting:

"Fight fair, you black bastard"

* Footnote. He has to be a Nubian, because there has been trouble with the OLO profanity filter and another 'n' word. Even a polite Mr N. igger sans '.' won't pass.

G'Day All,
Yeah Forrest, I am sick to death how some people want to bring prejudice into the Aussie jokes if anything harmful was meant then I think the old Irish would have the first say.
A lot of jokes were made over the Irish & the Koories but it is strange the biggest percentage of the older generations were Irish(convict) & Koorie mixed.
I reckon it is about time we took the approach of that KKK member who argued that they weren't prejudice they just hated the whole world evenly.
I would sooner see a smile & hear laughter then see frowns & hear crying.
PS no offence TPP but I suppose we have the odd joke over the Kiwis as well but they deserve it is better to pick on them than us aye.
Anyway All have a good life from Dave.

In the drought the sheep reckoned it was better to move to NZ & be focked than shot.
Why are NZ race horses so fast? they see what they do to the sheep
How do NZ'ders find sheep in long grass? quite delightful.
What do you call a kiwi with a sheep under one arm & a goat under the other? Bisexual
What do you call a kiwi with twelve sheep? A pimp.

Saw a koorie the other day with twelve sheets of galvanized iron & I asked him what was going on. He replied that him & the missus had parted & she got the kids & dog, he got the house.
What do you call a Koorie with six sheets of galvanized iron? first home buyer
A koorie & white fella jump off a twenty story building who hits the ground first? the white fella the koorie stops to break the windows Thanks All have a good life from Dave

The Bob joke reminds me of the whole family of similar jokes from about 30 years ago.

Q. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Q. What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Q. What do you call a woman with a limp?
Q. What do you call a man that lives in the marshes?

G'DAy All,
Aye, RobP, What's this bloody bragging that you can remember thirty years ago, you having a dig at my poor old memory.
Thanks from Dave.

It’s alright Dave, both the Kiwi’s are kept busy making up jokes about the Maoris’ and Samoans.
.
.
.
.
Forrest and Petal Gumpp are flying overseas for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Forrest turns to his wife and asks, "Petal, did we pay our Telstra bill yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Forrest, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Petal, did we pay foxtel before we left?"

"Oh, no... I'm sorry. I forgot”, she says.

"One last thing, Petal, Did you remember the bill pay to Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Forgive me, Forrest," said Petal. "I didn't pay those ones, either."

Forrest grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in years.

Petal pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Forrest answers, "They'll find us!

It was Yabby's 80th birthday. Looking forward to a night in watching a Swedish movie on SBS, Yabby had just cracked his first can of beer for the evening.

As Yabby's hearing was no longer as sharp as it used to be, he failed to hear a tapping at his door. The tapping increased to a series of bangs shuddering the flimsy door of his unit. Reaching for his walking frame, Yabby shuffles to the door. As he wasn't expecting visitors (all of his mates had gone to the big pub in the sky) he put the chain on the door before opening. Through the gap, a slender stiletto clad foot emerged lengthening to a shapely leg clad in black fishnet stockings.

Yabby nearly collapsed, if not for the walking frame, however a sultry voice brought him to attention, "I have come to give you super sex." Yabby gasped, "I'll take the soup."

Talking of the Irish .....

Paddy and Mick were each enjoying a Guinness down at the local, the Boyne Groyne. They had been there a couple of hours, swapping yarns and telling jokes, when suddenly Paddy grimaces and holds his head in both hands.

"Whats the matter, Paddy?", says Mick.

"Its one of me damn migraines, Mick", says Paddy. "Its worse than an earful of fifes and drums in the marching season. To be sure, its like a real tight band around me head." adds Paddy. Lily (Lily Bulero, the barmaid) overhearing Paddy, comes up to the two drinkers and hands Paddy a folded paisley bar mat. "Twist that real hard, Paddy, as if you were wringing the bastard's neck. It sometimes makes 'em go away." advises Lily.

Paddy twists the paisley bar mat for all his worth, but it doesn't get rid of the migraine.

"Paddy, you know what I do if I get a bad headache?", say Mick. "I go home to the wife, stick me head between her boobs, and give it a real good shake, the way a cat or dog does. Gets rid of the headache every time! You ought to try it."

"I think I might take yer advice, Mick. To be sure, its gettin' worse by the minute.", says Paddy, leaving his pint of Guinness unfinished on the bar. "That migraine must be real bad for Paddy to leave his pint unfinished.", says Lily to Mick. "I don't think we'll be seein' any more o' Paddy this evenin'." Mick agrees, and resigns himself to drinking alone.

About half an hour later Paddy breezes back into the pub, looking as fresh as a daisy. "To be sure to be sure yer were right Mick! That head shake between the wife's boobs does the job alright. I feel on top of the world now.", says Paddy, and promtly drains his unfinished Guinness that had been warming nicely while he was gone. Smacking his lips, Paddy then says "Begorrah, Mick, and that's a nice house yer have!".

Ring the bell, fast!

A. Russell
A. Doug
A. Eileen
A. Pete

Question: How did the Greeks come to Australia?

Answer: Most Greeks were boat people. The prime number of them came on the SIEV of Eratosthenes.

Question: Why is there no perjorative term for people of Greek ethnicity in Australia?

Answer: Because it was thought the last Greek off the SIEV of Eratosthenes was giving his name when he said O'Meagher, and the whole boatload were taken to be gaelic-speaking Irish, Micks. Subsequently, many men of Greek descent have adopted the name Nick, just to draw a distinction between them and those who were Micks. Hence, 'Nick the Greek', hardly a perjorative term. Quite orthodox, really.

Question: What one word describes a Greek army parachute battalion drop?

Answer: Condescention. From the singular - Con, descending.

Just thought I'd parachute those ones in for Bronwyn, and because I didn't want any ethnic Greeks to feel too left out, which they have had to be on the 'Your tribal past ...' thread. Now thats tautological, isn't it? "Ethnic Greeks".

More mist for the grill.

G'Day.
Paddy's bragging to Mick how he has been having this midget nun & Mick's saying how he didn't believe Paddy so they decided to go to the convent & ask Mother-Superior if there were any midget nuns.
Well they knocked on the door & asked to see Mother-Superior & upon seeing her Paddy asks if there were any midget nuns & Mother-Superior informs them there is not.
Well as Paddy & Mick were leaving Mick taps Paddy on the shoulder & says Paddy, You've been doing a penguin.
Why is Tassie getting closer to the mainland? It just proves Tassie sucks.
Have a good life from Dave

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow............... Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..........Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, '



Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Dave goes into an icecream shop that serves every known flavour.
Dave casts his eyes across the flavours & notices that there is a c/nt flavoured icecream.
Dave orders a double c/nt flavoured icecream & upon getting it takes a big lick & says in disgust that it tastes like shite.
The owner quickly replies that I took to big of a lick.
Thanks have a great life from Dave

These are riddles actually:

-Why is the letter 't' like an island?

-If I tell you I have four eyes, two heads and three legs, what am I?

-What starts with 'p' ends with 'e' and has millions of letters?

Mr Brown goes to the doctor to see about his wife's blood test.
The doctor tells him 2 Mrs Browns had a blood test & they got the results mixed up.
Mr Brown asks what the problem is & the doctor replies that one has aids & one is ready to kick the bucket from a heart attack.
Mr Brown quite upset asks what he was going to do.
The doctor calms Mr Brown & says that they gave it some thought & that night when he goes home send the wife on a fast run around the block & if she comes back don't f/ck her.
What starts with "P" ends with "Y" & is mans most favourite thing?
What does a dog do on three legs, a lady does sitting down & a gentleman does standing up?
Thanks have a good life from Dave

Warwick is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road with a van load of his supporters. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIGS!!"

Warwick immediately leans out his window and screams, "BITCH!! The Men all shout “Whore, Nazi, Cow, Feminist!”

They round the next corner and crash into two pigs standing in the middle of the road.

A..pastor..went out one Saturday,,to visit his church-members...At one house,..it was obvious that..someone was home,..but nobody came to the door...even though the preacher knocked several times...Finally,..the preacher took out his card,..wrote

"Revelation 3:20"..on the back of it,..and stuck it..in the door:

Behold,..I stand at the door..and knock...If anyone hears my voice..and..opens the door,..I will come in to him..and dine with him,..and he with me...Revelation..3:20

The next day,..the card turned up in the collection-plate...Below the preacher's message..was written;..I heard your voice in the garden,..and I was afraid..because I was naked;..and I hid myself...Genesis..3:10

George..W...Bush,..in an airport-lobby,..noticed a man in a long flowing white robe..with a long flowing white beard..and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff..in one hand..and some stone tablets..under the other arm...GW...approached the man..and inquired,.."Aren't you Moses?"..The man ignored George W...and stared at the ceiling.

George W...positioned himself more directly in the man's view..and asked again,.."Aren't you Moses?"..The man continued to peruse the ceiling...George W...tugged at the man's sleeve..and asked once again,..."Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded,,in an irritated voice,.."YES,....I AM!"

George W...asked him why he was so uppity..and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied,.."The last time I spoke to a Bush..I ended up stuck in a desert..for forty years


There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day...As the priest is walking by,..he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says,.."Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties...It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home..and gives the money to her mother..and asks her mother to buy panties for her...When the mother asks where the girl got the money,..the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money,..the mother rushes to her room,..whips off her panties,..and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming,..she begins to walk up the stairs.....

.....The priest..then notices..the lady..and calls her down.

The woman..not wanting to show..that she is expecting anything,..walks back to the priest..very calmly.

The priest..hands the lady $1..and says..."Lady,..take this money..and for God's sake,...go buy yourself..a razor


Don't use the Lord's name..in vain

After years of his wife's pleading,..this good-ol-boy..finally goes with her..to her little local Church..on Sunday morning...He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon..that on the way out..he stopped to shake his hand.

He said,.."Reverend,..that was the best..gawd damn sermon..I ever did hear!"

The Preacher..replied,.."Oh!..Why,...thank you..sir,..but please...I'd appreciate it..if you didn't use the Lord's name..in vain!"

The man said,.."I'm sorry Reverend,..but I can't help myself,..it was a good..gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said,.."Sir,..PLEASE,..I cannot have you behaving this way...at Church"!

The man said,.."Okay Reverend,..but I just wanted you to know..that I thought it was so gawddamn good,..I put $ 500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said,.."NO Shhhheeet..?!"


At The Beginning of World War..II..This elderly Italian guy..goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession...The priest assured him that he would,..and the two took up the customary positions..on either side of the divider.

"Well,..Father,"..began the old man,.."At the beginning of World War II a beautiful..woman knocked on my door..and asked me to hide her from the Germans...So I hid her in my attic,..and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing,"..interjected the priest,.."But it's certainly nothing..you need to confess!".."It's gets worse Father,"..continued the elderly fellow,.."I was weak..and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her..by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated..this disclosure..for a minute and then responded,.."Well, it was a very difficult time,..and you took a very large risk...You would have suffered..terribly..at their hands..if the Germans had found you hiding her.

I know that God,..in his wisdom and mercy,..will balance the good and the evil of your acts,..and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," ..aid the old man..."That's a load off my mind!..Can I ask..another question?"

"Of course,..my son,"..said the priest.

The old man asked, ..Do I have to tell her..that the war is over?

The day finally arrived:..forrest..

..Forest..dies..and goes to Heaven.

He is met..at the Pearly/Gates..by Saint Peter himself...The gates are closed,..however,..and Forest approaches..the gatekeeper.

Saint-Peter..says,.."Well, Forest,..it's certainly good to see you...We have heard..a lot..about you.".."I must inform you..that the place is filling up..fast,..and we've been administering..an entrance examination..for everyone...The tests..are fairly short,..but you need to pass..before you can get into Heaven."

Forest/responds,.."It shore is good to be here..Saint/Peter...I was looking forward..to this.".."Nobody ever told me..about any entrance exams...Shore hope..the test ain't too hard;..life was a big enough test..as it was."

Saint/Peter..goes on,.."Yes,..I know Forest.".."But,..the test I have for you..is only three questions.

Here is the first:..What..days of the week..begin with the letter..'T'?.."..."Second,..how many seconds..are there in a year?".."Third,..what is God's first/name?"

Forest goes away..to think the questions over...He returns the next day..and goes up to Saint/Peter..to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint/Peter//waves him up..and asks,.."Now that you have had a chance to think..the questions over,..tell me your answers."

Forest says,.."Well..the first one, ..how many days of the week..begin with the letter..'T'?".."Shucks,..that one's easy;..that'd be Today..and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide..and he exclaims,.."Forest!..That's not what I was thinking,..but... you do have a point..though,..and I guess..I didn't specify,..so I give you credit..for that answer."

"How about the next one"..says Saint/Peter,.."how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder,"..says Forest..."But,..I thunk..and thunk about that,..and I guess the only answer can be..twelve."

Astounded,..Saint/Peter says,,,"Twelve!".."Twelve!".."Forest,how in Heaven's name..could you come up..with twelve seconds..in a year?"

Forest says,.."Shucks,..there gotta be twelve:..January..second, February..second,..March..second..."

"Hold it,"..interrupts Saint/Peter..."I see where you're going with it.".."And I guess..I see your point,..though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.".."I'll..give you credit..for that one..too."

"Let's go on with the next ..nd final question,"..says Saint Peter,.."Can you tell me..God's first name?"

Forest says,.."Well shore,..I know God's first name.".."Everbody probly knows it.".."It's Hello."

"Hello?"..asks Saint Peter..."What makes you think it's..'Hello'?"

Forest answers,.."It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?"..asks Saint Peter,.."Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer,"..responds Forest:.."Our Father, Hello be thy name..."

Sorry all,
I thought someone would've given the answers by now,
What starts with "P" & ends with "Y" & is mans most favourite thing is:- "P"ay da"Y" of course
What does a dog do on three legs, a lady does sitting down & a gentleman does standing up:- Shake hands
Two nuns walking through the park a flasher jumps out & flashes himself one has a heart attack the other has a stroke.
Two nuns Mary & Jane walking through the park to the shop get raped. After the shopping Mary says to Jane, how do we explain to Mother-Superior that we were raped twice.
Jane says no Mary we were only raped once.
Mary replies we have to go back that way.
Thanks have a good life from Dave

A business woman is on a plane heading for Sydney, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life leaps in to the aisle and yells “who can make me feel like a woman again!”

Benk jumps up and rips off his shirt, “Here you crazy bitch, iron this!”

Why have women got short feet? Stand closer to the sink
Why do women get married in white? To match the rest of the white goods in the kitchen
Why was the woman at the pub? Don't know why she was out of the kitchen in the first place.
Dave goes to confession & says father I have sinned.(no not the joke)
Father says why my son what have you done
Dave replies I had sex with my wife
Father says that is not a sin sex in marriage is allowed.
Dave says but father it was in the daytime
Father says that's still okay sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says but father it was while she was bent over the freezer
Father says that it's a bit strange but sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says then I wont be banned from heaven
Father says no definitely not sex in marriage is allowed
Dave says well Coles banned Me
Might be why the missus is the ex?
God had a sense of humour he made me
Have a good life all from Dave

You are posting some good ones Dave, so here is one for you !

True Romantics!
AUSTRALIAN VALENTINES POEM

Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab,
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care,
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there.
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts,
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies,
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs.
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met,
I thought U was as good as I
Was ever gonna get.
No matter wot U look like
I'll always love ya dear,
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!

TPP
Your one sick gal then again there's alot sicker out there they laugh at the jokes.
One about a shiela wanting a divorce and the old judge asked on what grounds should he grant the divorce
The shiela replies well me ole man has only spoke to me six times in six years.
The judge gave her the divorce and granted her custody of the six kids.
Afew oldies What's the
Definition of suspicion - man doing pushups in long grass
Definition of agony - dog in the desert without a tree
Definition of frustration - teeth marks on a toilet door
then there's the old
Scream in a dark alley by Willy Raper
yellow stream by I P Daley
rustling in the grass by Willy Ryder
Then you have a couple
Mary had a little lamb
It came a great surprise
When old McDonald had a farm
It really opened their eyes

Mary had a little pig
Couldn't stop it grunting
Took it down the garden path
And kicked its little c/nt in
Don't tell my nursury rhymes to the kids neither TPP

As Always I wish you all a good life. from Dave

Sorry about that Yabby I must have missed your post as I was writing the reply to TPP
Well me & the missus went out twice a week for some good wine, food & company
Her Tuesdays Me Thursdays.
In 20 years of marriage I never said a bad word to her, I could never get one in
For our anniversary she asked me to take her somewhere she hadn't been for a long time, I suggested the kitchen
She was a dirty house keeper I got up at 1am to have a leek in the sink & the washing up was still there from the morning before
If it wasn't for marriage there would be no divorce

Hear about the near sighted whale? Followed a submarine, & everytime the sub fired a torpedo he passed ouit cigars.

Be Good
If you cant be good
Be good at it
If you cant be good at it
Then please be bloody careful

First sign of madness is talking to yourself
The second sign is answering yourself
The third sign is arguing with yourself
And the forth sign is when you lose the argument

Have a good life from Dave

Hey lift ya game my fellow posters and enjoy some fine classical music:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=4971830

Nightie night.

Loved it Potagoras. Even made a little toddler giggle.

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afganistan, several years before the Afgan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his f%#&@&$ widow.

Formersnag and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

Formersnag also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, he slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
.
.
.
.

Once Fractelle’s divorce was final, she went to the local RTA and asked to have her maiden name reinstated on her driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," Fractelle replied.
"Oh, good," says the clerk. "You got the house."
.
.
.
.
Hasbeen goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at him and asks how old he is.
"I'm 84 years old," he says."
“84!"replies the woman "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says Hasbeen, "how much do I owe you?"
.
.
.
.
Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?

what does a woman say when she walks into a fishshop...i dont know either im not a guy...but its interesting you knowing what a guy says...not thinks when going into a bar

depends how he walks into what kind of bar...if he hit his head on a protuding bar [and he hurt his head/body...he would possably say oops..or that was rathersilly of me...or what half wit left that bar poking out of the roof

or if walking into a bar he could say one ticket please...or jeez this looks like a gay bar...or a chocolate bar...anyhow you gave the best jokes bar nun/none numb..

anyhow did you see 7.30 report tonight
went for a link but its not up yet...about kids abused in victoria...huge bun fight

here is link to another one they did yesterday...link should come up soon for tonights..dont miss it piper

yesterday was<<...SUSPECT: Who would meet a girl under the age of ... meet someone under the age of 18.

GREG HOY: They are it seems catching them like flies. But what happens once they're caught to prevent repeat offences just how corrective are corrective services?

SEX OFFENDER: On three separate occasions I asked to do the sex offenders program. And I was turned down.

GREG HOY: Why?

SEX OFFENDER: I was basically told that because I didn't have a really long sentence they didn't have the resources to give me the help that I needed.

from
http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2009/s2688199.htm

but make sure you catch todays..it was dynamite

“SEX OFFENDER: I was basically told that because I didn't have a really long sentence they didn't have the resources to give me the help that I needed.”

That’s awful UOG and unbelievable not having the resources here when I see millions going in every direction to deal with kids after a sex offense has been committed.

Does this have anything to with the ACMA talked about in the Baby Swinging Topic?

Thanks for the heads up and I’ll check it out tonight - or do they repeat it today? I may be back on this evening in a very bad mood though.

And yes you got it right, When a man walks in to a bar he says “ouch”.[smile]

And a typical conversation in my household:

Julie: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?"
Julie: "Yes or no."

jewels it was on last night
its just not yet posted in the archive...yet
http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/archives/2007/730_200909.htm

the archive will[should]..have it in two days
till then it should appear here ...
http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/
sometime in the day...

currently its still from the 16 th
the show im,..talking about was yesterdays..[on the 17 th]

cant think of a joke at the moment..got a riddle though..bought a few fish...now need to know the names of the fish i bought...funny there are 11 bottum dwellers..[bottom feeders..with wiskers...two dolars of feeder fish...and 3 bucks work of crays..oh and 5 bucks of goldfish...all cramed into a coffin sized large..tank...with the origonal 5 goldfish

its very peacefull...im learning the character of my new guests..the big goldfish dont like the albino bottum feeders...and the eel like striped ones..[@7 bucks a piece...simply look devine..and the fatter speckled bottum feeder..has guilt attatched...they forgot to charge..and i said nothing...i felt so guilty went and spent 50 bucks[thats how i got the other fish[previously mentioned..

.anyhow jokes on me..i feel guilt everytime i see her...shes plump and fertile looking...but shouldnt be here...i guess its a joke..but the rememberance...it would have been cheaper to pay the 5 bucks..tell the checkout she made error...that let me create guilt..

its both sad and funny..but then what aint

PP,

"Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?"

Ouch?

Funny you having fish that are in different realms.

My favourite thing is to stare in to my three little ponds until I see life. I think there are only a couple of goldfish still swimming around. One I haven’t seen for awhile. But I love the little swimming bugs, I don’t know what most of them are besides some mozzie babies that the tadpoles eat.

I would like a big indoor tank, I like tropical eels. This will be a huge expense so any “mistakes” at the cash register will be welcome. My house is not ordered yet, I need to get some concrete poured in one bit to even the floors then flooring laid before I can, without hassel, have a fishtank.

OUG, this is simple, go back and pay the five bucks. Call that fish “fiver”.

Okay so I will keep an eye on the abc thing. I should have known, this has happened before when you have seen something and I have waited for the link.

And I forgot to post the answers to my riddle from days ago:

Who is a predator that hunts nothing, a crustacean without a shell, a brain south of the esophagus , a geometric shape with a voice, a broken vessel that doesn’t leak, a stringed instrument that makes no noise, a test without questions, movement with no progress, a measure of things with no ruler, a finder without eyes, a dyslexic without the impairment, a bird that does not fly, a blossom with no petals, a cleaner who fights dirty , a wood without trees, a redneck who is broad minded, a song without a voice?
Foxy
Yabby
Belly
Fractelle
Crackcup
Banjo
Examinator
Runner
Protagoras
Seeker
Rehctub
Pelican
Cornflower
Antiseptic
Forrest
Col Rogue
Otokonoko

Hey Rob! Q: How far can a dog run into the forest

PP,

"Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?"

As far as it likes.

or

As far as the bungee leash will stretch.

--.--.--.--.--.--.--

TRTL,

I'm going to have a stab at 2 out of 3 of your riddles.

-Why is the letter 't' like an island?

-If I tell you I have four eyes, two heads and three legs, what am I?

-What starts with 'p' ends with 'e' and has millions of letters?

--.--.--.--.--.--.--

1. No idea.
2. No idea, but I'll say a transistor chip or a team in a 3-legged race.
3. A 'p'ost offic'e'

What is the definition of confusion? Two blind lesbians in a fish shop
Blind man walks past a fish shop Tips his hat & says "Morning Ladies"
Blind man goes into the supermarket, proceeds to the end of the aisle picks his dog up by the the leash & starts swinging the dog around above his head.
The owner comes racing over a says "What the hell do you think you are doing"?
The blind bloke replies "Just Looking".
Hear about the cripple flea? Got around on a crutch.
Hear about Bin Ladens wife Bin Laidon.
Why have tampons got strings? Fleas enjoy bungee jumping as well
How do you make a woman pull cotton fast? Light the string
Dave at the footy match between the bulldogs & roosters half of him blue half white real bulldog supporter. Looks around the crowd sees this shiela has no pants on has the pubes half blue half white, Dave thinking now there IS a real bulldog fan, goes over as says as much to the woman.
Instead the woman opened her legs & said No Roosters .
Thanks have a great life from Dave

Set you at ease RobP "T" is like an island it is in the centre of waTer
sorry TPP I'm just a spoil sport
Have a great life from Dave.

Yep, an island, and 't' are both in the middle of 'water'.

You're right, with post office.

The answer to the other question:

Q: If I tell you I have four eyes, two heads and three legs, what am I?

A: A liar.

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2009/s2689324.htm

Shocking incest case mirrors Fritzl crimes

A Victorian man is behind bars accused of raping his daughter almost daily for 30 years and fathering her four children.

The case has shaken the nation and has prompted calls for a major overhaul of Victoria’s child protection.

Contains: video, image, transcript.

the joke is ....there must be thousands of these...and each will have form...be knowable or known to authorities...and the authority?...bah

Here's one my own.

Two new dictionary entries:

Davos n. 1. A meeting place of the high priests of economics (named after a town in Switzerland) 2. a hobnobbing session; a rhetorical extravaganza of the rich and powerful 3. an ideas and complaints forum.

Davo’s n. 1. Local meeting place of the plebs, a place to carry out social pursuits (e.g. playing cards, gossiping, etc) 2. a place of convergence of local culture 3. an ideas and complaints forum.

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Food!
9:30 am - Car ride!
9:40 am - Walk!
10:30 am - Woof!
12:00 pm - Bones!
1:00 pm - Played!
3:00 pm - Woof!
5:00 pm - Dinner!
7:00 pm - Played ball!
8:00 pm – Wagged Tail!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on bed!

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

There was a young farmer who lived by a school
This very nice young farmer used play with his
Marbles in spring time with the lady next door
You could tell by her actions she was a
Very nice young lady who lay on the grass
When she rolled over you could see her
Panties and stockings she could swim like a duck
You could tell by these actions she new how to
Bring up young girls to sew and to knit
While the boys are in the cow shed just shovelling
Shavings and sawdust that lay on the floor
If you like this little story I will tell you some more
She went to the market to by a fat hog
She passed by the farmer just having
A look at some daisies that grew near a rock
And when she went over he pulled out his
Wallet from his pocket and gave a big grunt
So she sat down beside him a showed him her
Handbag and stockings she was to shy to speak
SO THEY GOT MARRIED AND LIVED BY THE CREEK.

Have a good night don't let the bed bugs bite from Dave

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation:

"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really REALLY mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Six altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Keep 'em coming, people.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Hey Fractelle

Those phrases are right up my alley – thanks!

Then there was the old lady whose cat died. She placed it in a small box to take it to the pet cemetery. “Please”, she asked the bus driver. “Could you let me off at the pet cemetery? I need to bury my cat.”

“Gee”, said the bus driver, “That cat smells bad, you better sit right down the back lady and I’ll give you a call when we get to the cemetery.”

On arriving at the pet cemetery, the driver announced: “Would the lady with the smelly pussy, please get off the bus.”

With that, one lady stood up and two other ladies crossed their legs.

Yay friends (and foes) - have you seen Grandpa's trout?

http://74.125.153.132/search?q=cache:AQUp49xR9uEJ:office-humour.co.uk/item/7745/+have+you+seen+grandpa%27s+trout%3F&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=au

Protagoras

ROFL ROFL ROFL

What a whopper!

I wonder what Grandpa used for tackle?

This is actually a true story. In the country, people have a PO Box
at the post office and when they forget the keys, they commonly
ask the Post Master to hand them their mail.

Its years ago now, but Debbie the Kiwi roustabout was just ahead
of me in the queue.

She asked Joe the postman with a sense of humour " Joe, could you
please look in my box? "

Joe, with a little smirk on his face, replied " Why Debbie, what is
wrong with your box?"

I nearly started crying with laughter and I think it only then
hit Debbie what she had said :)

Why did the lepers card party break up? One through his hand in the others laughed their heads off.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Worked it out with pencil and paper
Why did the leper leave the party? Every one kept digging their jatz into his back
Did you hear about the wooden horse? Wooden shite
Why did Mickey Mouse leave home? He found out his father was a rat
Hear about the three holes in the ground? Well, Well, Well.
Hear about the three eggs? Too bad .
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
They are going to put eleven in the next space shuttle. Two in the front two in the back and seven in the ashtray
Have a great life from Dave.

>>Yay friends (and foes) - have you seen Grandpa's trout?

http://74.125.153.132/search?q=cache:AQUp49xR9uEJ:office-humour.co.uk/item/7745/+have+you+seen+grandpa%27s+trout%3F&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=au <<

Going by the look on Grandpa's face, he does it all the time!

Erm RobP

Don't you read other people's posts first?

Try going back one page.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the ! midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

That pathetic, Fractelle,

So, what's your problem?
Want credit for your comment?
Or thought you'd said all there was to say?

Rob P

No I don't want credit for my comment, did you not notice that Protagoras had already linked to the Grandpa's trout, before you posted the exact same link?

Little Dave was sitting in the gutter crying as he had dropped his $1 lunch money for school(well school is a while back) down the drain and he wasn't going to have any lunch.
When a business man comes along and asks what is the matter, little Dave tells how he lost his lunch money so the business man gives him $5 and goes on his way
Little Dave thought this alright and does it a few more times and each time the good samaritan gives him $5.
Well the money is adding up little Dave had started the day with only a $1 and he now had $25 when he sees this nun coming along the street.
Well little Dave thought that the nun would have to be a good bite and the nun pulls up and little Dave explains the show so the nun gives him 20cents.
Little Dave says thanks Virgin Mary
The nun replies that she is not the Virgin Mary
Little Dave says well you should be your the tightest c/nt that has been along here all day.
Thanks have a good life from Dav

Fractelle,

Yes. Obviously, you didn't notice that I cut and pasted Protagoras' exact post and put it inside >> and << signifying a direct quote. I did that so someone who tacked onto the end of the thread without having gone through it could refer easily and directly to the Grandpa in question.

Come to think of it, that may not have been such a good idea!!??

This story about being a chili judge is a funny read:

http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/chilijudge.htm

Twice I laughed out loud so an OLO LOL rating of ** from me.

A new priest goes to the outback to to take up the position of the new parish pastor.
He decides to take a drive around to see the area & to meet some of the local parishners when he sees young Dave with about 50 head of Bullocks.
The priest pulls up & decides to test young Dave on his knowledge of the Lord.
The priest says to young Dave who made these Bullocks.
Young Dave replies Dad did.
The priest says no Dave the Lord made everything so who made the Bullocks
Young Dave replies again my Dad did
The priest says No my boy if the Lord made everything who made the Bullocks
Once again young Dave replies Dad did
Again the priest says no my boy the Lord made everything the sky the earth you me everything so who made the Bullocks
Young Dave quite pissed off by now says look you dumb priest the Lord may have made them Bulls but my Dad made them bloody bullocks.
Thanks have a good night from Dave.

Rob P

You were QUOTING Protagoras, I didn't notice the << and there was no indication from whom you were quoting. Many apologies.

At least we are agreed that it is a hilarious photo.

Grandpa's Lament

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money.' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes George the greens' keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George,' said the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens' keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.'

The Aussie said, 'Why the f--k can't they play at night?'

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of:

"Here I come again. ONE,TWO,THREE UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head.

"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!!"

GRANDPA'S WARNING:

All grandpas heed this warning: Do NOT lose your grand kids at the mall.

My grandson got away from me last Sunday at the mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The guard asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied:

'Fishing, Chivas Regal whisky and ladies with big tits.'

G'Day All
One thing about this thread is that it gives me faith that there are others out there as "sick" as me
As I say have a laugh as it is better than what you are doing and that is reading this post.

Dave adjusting the tappets on the car
Five thousandths hot
Three thousandths cold
Half an inch is near enough
The car is already sold

Dave & his 2 mates Mick & Bob are captives of the enemy .
The commander calls them in & says that if they can get 15inches between them they can go free
Well Mick dropped out 71/2 inches
Bob dropped out 7inches
Dave dropped out 1/2 an inch
Well that made the 15inches so they went free
As they were leaving Mick proudly says lucky for my 71/2 inches
Mick says lucky I had 7inches
Dave replies you are both lucky I had a hardon
Thanks have a good life from Dave

On the first day God created the sun – so the Devil countered and created sunburn. On the second day God created sex. In response the Devil created marriage. On the third day God created an economist. This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist!

_________________

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

For Rehctub:
http://www.coolholidaygraphics.com/thanksgiving/funnypictures/funny4.jpg

For Houel:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/funny/glittergn/funny/6.jpg

For Everyone:
http://images.paraorkut.com/img/funnypics/images/d/dirty_mind_poster-13025.jpg

For Foxy:
http://www.snootypaws.com.au/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/fox-hunt.jpg

To Protagoras
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/funny-pictures-kitten-hug.jpg

Rude:
http://funnyonly.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/small-print-warning.gif

For Yabby:
http://www.salagram.net/joke-flies.gif

(This isn't a joke for the politically correct, but I think most of you will be fine).

Once upon a time, many hundreds of years ago, there was a merchant, who would travel between the great trade hubs of the middle east, plying his wares.

He would travel vast distances across open deserts that seemed to stretch beyond the horizon and into infinity. Through scorched lands he would wander alone, with no sounds but his own trudging footsteps and the regular hoof-beats of his pack-camel.

At times, the isolation and loneliness would become suffocating. There were no other people for hundreds of kilometres, and the only company he had was his loyal camel.

One night, after indulging in some of the wines he had planned to sell, he felt incredibly lonely. There was nobody out here but him and his camel, which looked at him from beyond the flickering light of his fire.
Looking into its soft brown eyes, he felt something stirring. Even though he knew it was wrong, he lumbered over to the camel and took it by the hump, as it were. As he pressed his lower belly towards its rear, the camel realised what was about to happen and took off at a gallop.

Dejected, the merchant sat down alone, regretting his shameful impulse. He swore to himself he would never do it again and prayed that his loyal camel would return.

A day later, the camel warily trotted back to him. An immense relief washed over him.

Three weeks later however, and still a month away from his destination, he again felt lonely and dejected. Looking at the camel's soft brown eyes stirred him once again and he simply couldn't resist the temptation from within. When he attempted to grasp the camel however, it reacted the same way, galloping off into the distance.

This time it didn't return for three days. When it did, he again made a pact with himself, to not give in to such forbidden desires.

Cont'd.

A week later, the merchant found himself lost amongst mysterious stone valleys - an unforeseen occurrence, as the trader could always unerringly find his way. As he wandered, confused by the unfamiliar shadows cast by the moonlight, he came across a sparkling oasis. Beyond the oasis lay a mysterious stone monolith, with a flickering green light emanating from its core.

The merchant slowly approached the source of the green light, and within its bright corona he beheld a spectacular golden lamp. Intricate carvings looped along each side, displaying a glorious battle the likes of which could only be comprehended within the imagination, it's scope too spectacular for a limited world.

These carvings however, were flawed in one respect. A small smudge of dirt blocked one side. The merchant grasped the lamp, and hastened to clean off this imperfection.

From inside the lamp, a purple mist emerged, enveloping the trader and inflaming his senses. A booming voice resonated across the stone valley, as a mysterious apparition took form.

The genie's visage was fierce, albeit noble. From within that ancient face however, the trader could see a kind of exhaustion that came from centuries of imprisonment.

"Alas, it is custom to grant my liberator three wishes, however I've been hobbled for too long and my powers doth wane. I can grant you one wish, so let it be your heart's greatest desire".

The merchant, thinking of all those nights alone and miserable, knew his answer. "Genie, grant me a woman with the beauty of a goddess, who might obey my every whim with enthusiasm and willingness."

With a loud BANG the genie vanished, and where he had stood there was now a beautiful seductress, clothed in naught but a single golden leaf.

The merchant, eager with anticipation, found himself somewhat shy, but he approached her and kneeled beside her. He marshalled his courage and spoke haltingly. "I'm a simple man, and I'm not particularly good at talking to women. I... I'm really not sure how to make this request, but... could you please hold that camel still while I..."

G'Day All,
Santa slides down the chimney puts some presents under the tree & turns to leave.
A gorgeous young 18 year old in a flimsy nightie enters the room & upon seeing Santa asks him to stay
Santa replies Ho Ho Ho me gotta go me got presents to deliver you know
The young 18 year old exposes her breasts & asks Santa again to stay
Santa says again Ho Ho Ho me gotta go me got presents to deliver you know
The young 18 year old then drops her panties& asks Santa one more time to stay
Santa then replies Hey Hey Hey me gotta stay me wont get up the chimney this way.
Thanks have a good life from Dave

Thanks for this thread Yabby been some great Jokes
Thanks to all
You all have a good life
Bye from Dave