QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME. CONTINUED

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley ' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a**holes.'

'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two a**holes.'

After Sunday's game, Norman figured he`d better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What`s the Four Play?" says Norman.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

A dresstressed guy in the airport is approached by another who says, "what's up mate". He replies, i've lost my wife.

Well bugger me, so have I, what's yours look like?

He says she is a tall, very attractive blond, great body and dressed in a red mini. She also rarely wares panties so she will attract plenty of attention, Why? what does yours look like?

F*@# mine, let's look for yours.
....

A 90 year old guy is sitting in the gutter whimpering.

A younger guy comes up and says, What's up mate!

The old guy says I recently got married to a 20 year old nimpho.

She has her way with me every night, then, often on weekends she bring a couple of her girl freinds over and they all have their way with me.

So the younger guy says, so, why are you crying about that?

The old guys says, I can't remember where I live!
....

An indian brave goes up to the big cheif and says, why do we have such funny names like, running dear, or sitting bear?

The big chief says, well, when a brave is born I step out of my teepee and the first thing I see is what I name the brave.

But why do you ask, two dogs F---ing!

Piper was working in the kitchen,listening to her five year
old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, and
take your sh1t with you cause this is the last stop.
And all of you bastards that are getting on, get your ass on the
train and put your sh1t under the seat cause we are going down the tracks.

The horrified Piper went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your bedroom and stay there
for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to
take all of your belongings with you" We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue
"For those of you just boarding we ask that you stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat, Remember there is no smoking on the
train.We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today"

As the mother began to smile the child added,
For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay
please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen

antiseptic has given up on marriage. Every 5 years he now just goes out, finds a bitch he hates, and buys her a house.

Tandem story. The process is simple. Antiseptic and Fractelle will pair off. One of you will then the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story, and so on.

STORY: (first paragraph by Fractelle)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once
said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again.
So chamomile was out of the question.

Antiseptic:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important
things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a
year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance
so far..."
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acrossthe
cockpit.

Fractelle:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically
brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.