A burglar broke into OUG’s house and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of person would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of person who would name their pit bull Jesus".
.
.
.
.
Otokonoko had dyed his hair multi-coloured and he goes and sits next to Crackup on a park bench. Crackup stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, Crackup?" says the Otokonoko. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

Crackup replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
.
.
.
.
Little Yabby’s dad asked his son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Yabby said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Yabby what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Yabby sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex then there’s nothing left!"
.
.
.
.
Six year old Cornflower comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and Cornflower says...

"Now she knows."
.
.
.
.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,
but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot in the head.

Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.

Dear Piper,

A: Mush-room?

TAXING GRANDPA...

The Taxation Department decided to audit Grandpa, and
summoned him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office
Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his solicitor.

The auditor said, "Well, Sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the Taxation Department finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, " says Grandpa.
"How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment, then says,
"Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's
jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes
the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty
much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," replies the solicitor. "This morning, when
Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet
me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and
piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Kudos Foxy.

Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?

Piper

Tuesday was the name of a horse.

BTW; How do you know if you are a pirate?