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I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant,..asthmatic pig under his arm.

Unfortunately,..the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

You have to be deaf in order to really appreciate the bagpipes.
-- my son

Piping is my hobby... I'm allowed to be bad at it.
-- my brother

Bagpipes... the missing link between music and noise.

If thy neighbour offend thee,..give each of his children bagpipes.
-- Old Scottish Proverb.

You know you're a piper's wife..when he sits in the car with his arm around his pipes..just like he used to do to you when you were dating.

You know you're a piper's wife..if you are flattered..when he gallantly pulls a chair from the table..you are about to sit at.....and then..puts his pipes on it.

You know you're a piper's wife..if he spends his weekends on the band bus..instead of painting the house.

An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches..."How long has he been playing the pipes?"..a bystander asks the wife.
"Oh, about 60 years,...but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

Q...Why do pipers have such large families?
A...Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.
http://web.ripnet.com/~nimmos/humour/humour_2.html
has heaps more

Thanks guys, OUG you had me nearly in tears with your first joke – it’s all about the delivery- and Fractelle I got stuck for ages watching youtube clips of that comedian you put a link up to. Pericles is right though and it is really hard finding new jokes.

And I’m not finished either.[grin] This next one, I seriously didn’t get it – I had to wait for hubby to come home to explain it to me, which he did in one word I might add.
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Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son Seeker coming home from school.

Little Seeker's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks the pig.

He walks a little further and kicks the cow.

Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, Seeker. For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment Seeker's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?”

As an old sports car lover, my favourite joke is,

Why did they fit spot lights, as standard equiptment, to all Triumph sports cars?

"So you could see the tow rope, without blinding the bloke towing you home".

OUG - excellent collection. Got me thinking about bagpipes, however and there is one piper who (arguably) played the best pipes in history, and I doubt he would've been described as a gentleman.

Another dead person, Bon Scott was long gone before I discovered AC\DC, too young at the time. However this vid shows just how cool a set of bagpipes can be and shows clips of my home town.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGflPNVmQuA

I do theatre-sports, but I don't tell jokes - love the adrenalin of thinking on my feet. Oddly, while I can learn lines I don't remember jokes very well.

I do admire stand-up comedians, toughest gigs in the world.

Piper you might enjoy (and waste more time) on Tim Minchin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGzhutyOMSk

BTW, Tim is very much alive and well.

Cheers

Andrew went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, and that there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

“Well” says Andrew, “I have had an erection for weeks now and it wont go away.”

The pharmacist asked the man to wait while she went to consult with her sister.

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Jackie Jackie goes up to the pro & asks how much, The pro replies hand job $20, head job $50, missionary job $100 & an all night job $500, Jackie Jackie thinks for a moment then asks You got anything without the job.

Three foot dwarf goes into chemist & wants to buy a three foot condom,
The chemist tells the dwarf he will have to order it in come back in a week.
A week goes by & the dwarf returns & sure enough the chemist has the three foot condom, the dwarf pays for it then opens it & stretches it all the way over himself.
After doing this he mumbles to the chemist what do I look like. The chemist didn't want to offend but replied you look like a bloody big pr1ck & the dwarf happily replies thanks I am sick of everyone calling me a little cu/t.