Fractelle went to the chemist, walked up to the Houel the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

Houel asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

'I need it to poison my husband.' Fractelle replied

Houel’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Bloody hell Fractelle! Get your hand off it! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! They'll toss us both in jail. All kinds of bad crap could happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

Fractelle reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Houel’s wife.

Houle looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You should’ve said you had a prescription.'
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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fucken blanket.
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Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Dave & his mate were talking about the most deadly sound that they could recall.
Dave's mate reckoned that it would have to have been when he was in bed with this blokes missus & he came home from a trip early & sprung them at it in the dead of the night.So he made a jump for the window & as he was getting out the window he heard that sound you know the sound of the hammers on a double barrel shot clicking back.
Well Dave thought that to be fairly deadly & said so but went on to describe something similar.
In bed with a blokes missus dead of night bloke comes home Dave makes a dive for the window. It is one of those that the bottom lifts up & was held up by a rod. Well as Dave dives out he knocks the rod out & as he is stuck with the head & arms outside & the legs on the inside,window on back & worst still no time to don the dacks.
Next thing Dave felt the stones being held, aaaannd have you ever heard the sound the teeth make trying to open a rusty pocket knife.
Thanks from Dave

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a mans heart beats faster,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees and
begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

Its because she smells like a new golf bag

A man walks into the bedroom just as his wife is looking at herself in the big mirror.

Just look at me she says, my bum is too big, my thighs are too fat, I have big love handles, I have bingo flaps and my boobs have dropped.

I really need cheering up and if you were considerate you would find something to say about me that is good.

Well, he said, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

You see there was this Yabby guy from Hillbilly country in the good old farmin’ region in WA and since live exports were flourishing, he wanted to buy another pastoral property to accommodate a new flock of sheep. So off he went in his trusty ol’ Buick – up north there past the Eastern Goldfields to inspect this property ya see.

The pastoralist invited the Yabby dude to wander around the property but warned him if he saw any emus to be careful because the emus were notorious for pecking out the eyes of the unwary. The Yabby went off, wanderin’ round saltbush country whilst estimating how many bucks he could screw the owner for when he spied a mob of vicious looking emus and they were rapidly heading his way.

On previous advice from the owner, he quickly dug a hole to put his head in it thus avoiding being attacked, but unbeknown to the Yabby, the owner, who was a nancy boy, was witnessing all this kerfuffle.

The owner, overcome from pervin’ on the Yabby’s butt stuck in the air, went over, jumped on and was helping himself when he heard the Yabby’s pitiful voice arising from the hole:

“You can peck me bum all ya like but ya not gonna get me eyes ya hear!

‘The Italian Shadow Minister’s Junket to Detroit

One a daya I'ma go to Detroit to a biga hotel. Ina morning I'ma go down to eta the breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast.

She bring me only one a piss,

I tella I wanna two piss's, she say to go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna two piss ona my plate,

She say you better not piss on your plate, you sonnava bitch.

I don'ta know the lady and she calla me sonnava bitch.

Later I'ma go to eta at biga restaurant,

The waitress bringa me spoon and knife but no fock,

I tell her I wanna fock,

She tell me everybody wanna fock,

I tell her you no unnerstan, I wanna fock ona table,

She say you better no fock ona table, you sonnava bitch

So I'ma go back in my room inna hotel and theres no sh#t ona my bed,

I calla the manager an tell him I wanna sh#t ona my bed.

He tella me go to the toilet.

I say you no unnerstan, I say again I wanna sh#t ona my bed, he say you better not sh#t ona the bed you sonnava bitch.

So I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "peace on you".

So I say piss on you too you sonnava bitch.

I'ma gonna back to Italy