Shuggie was sick of his wife and asked his mate, Tam, if he had any ideas of how to kill her.
'Shag her to death' said Tam, 'it won't be immediate but she'll gradually kak it over the next six months'.
So Shuggie took Tam's advice and four months later, Tam takes a stroll through the public park and sees Shuggie sitting on a bench by the tennis courts. He is shocked to see Shuggie as a shadow of his former self, haggard and skinny and asks what's up. Shug says, 'It's all this shagging that's wearing me out' He points to the tennis court where his very healthy-looking wife is bounding around serving and returning and says 'but look at that stupid bitch, she doesn't know that she's only got two months to live'.

I was driving through this town one day doing about 70 in a 60 zone when this copper pulled in behind me & put the lights on, so I increased the speed to about 100kph while still in the 60 zone so he then put the siren on.
I was starting to head out of town so I increased the speed to 160kph & still this copper kept coming so I increased the speed to 200kph & still this bugger was on my tail so I flattened it 260-280kph & we were like that for about 20 klms & I couldn't shake the bugger so I pulled over & this copper got out with the book in hand pen in the other & was saying that I better have a good excuse for doing the speeds that I had been doing.
That's when I told him that I did have a good excuse & he snapped what would that bloody well be.
So I replied that one of his bloody mates had p1ssed off with the missus about three years back & I thought it was him trying to give her back. Thanks Dave

BIBLE SALESMAN...

While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor found
several cartons of brand new Bibles that had never
been opened and distributed.

So, at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from
the congregation to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each
to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Lew all raised their hands to volunteer for the
job. The pastor knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were more than capable of selling the Bibles - but
he had his doubts about Lew who was a local farmer, who'd
always kept to himself embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Lew stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Lew the
Pastor gave him the job anyway.

The Pastor asked them to meet him and report the results of their
door-to-door efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were the Pastor
immediately asked, "How'd you make out selling our Bibles
last week?"

"Using my savy as a professional salesman - here's the $200
I collected on behalf of the Church," replied Jack proudly.

"Fine job, Jack!" said the minister shaking his hand.

Turning to Paul, the minister asked, "How did you do?"

Paul, smiling confidently replied, "Here's $280 I collected!"

"That's absolutely splendid Paul!"

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Lew and said, "And
Lew, how did you do this week?"

Lew silently offered the minister a large envelope.

"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Lew, there's
$3200 in here. You sold 320 Bibles for the church,
door-to-door, in just one week?"

Lew just nodded. "That's impossible!" shouted Jack and Paul.

"It does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better tell us how you did it Lew."

Lew shrugged, "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't know
f-f-for s-s-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted, "For crying out loud Lew,
tell us what you said after they answered the door."

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Lew replied.

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-you b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or- w-w-w-would
y-y-you like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in
town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his
waist,
and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman
answered.
"Lady," the attend ant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

The cowboy, & his new bride had just left the church, after getting married, & were heading back to the homestead in the sulky. After a few miles the horse stumbles. The cowboy stops the sulky, & says to the horse, I've told you to pick your feet up, & stop this stumbling.

Like everything else, you've got 3 chances, to get it right.

A few miles later the horse stumbles again. The sulky is stopped, & the cowboy says calmly, "horse, that's once".

A few miles later it hapens again, another stop, & the cowboy says, "horse, that's twice".

When they have come in sight of the homestead, but still 5 miles away, the horse stumbles, yet again. This time they stop, the cowboy gets down from the sulky, walks to the front of the horse. Calm as ever, he pulls his six gun, says, "horse that's three times" & shoots it dead.

As the horse falls to the ground, his new wife starts yelling at him, that it was stupid thing to do, to shoot the horse, when they are still 5 miles from home.

Holding up his hand for silence, the cowboy says, calmly as ever, "woman, that's once".

Saturday morning on Magnetic Island and Ludwig got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

He hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

His loving wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
.
.
.
.
.
Belly was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the other party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're ALP through and through... Why change now?"

Belly leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
.
.
.
.
Peter the Believer asked a defendant if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked Peter. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
.
.
.
.
SJF, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
Exam, "And how would you do that?"
SJF, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
SJF, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
Exam starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
Exam, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
.
.
.
.
I asked my husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked me up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humor."