V.Amberlee, glad that you are enjoying yourself. What part of the east coast? I've not spent much time there, a little bit of time each in NYC, Washinton DC and Florida (hanging around Orlando waiting for a shuttle launch). My visits to the USA have been in your fall so the temps have got cold but still been viable. Last time it was west coast only - I love the Sierra's and my frequent flyer points would get me that far.

We had an unusually cold winter this year (it lasted for a couple of weeks and Tuesday morning this week was unseasonally cold as well).

Things can get rough around OLO at times but for mostly it can be a pleasant interesting place, it does get a bit addictive.

Thats all off topic but I look forward to reading your views and insights. Sorry I have not got any gems to offer on getting a disinterested parent to understand just what they are missing. One of my good friends has the same experience.

R0bert

R0bert, perhaps maternal gatekeeping can have two aspects. One bad one, where mother is simply attempting to be controlling, and one not so bad, where mother has worked out (normally by trial and error over many years) the best way to motivate, discipline and reward the kids. I certainly do believe that the former situation happens. I also believe in the second version of this. The latter certainly has bette motives behind it, but of course may still impact on the father and make him feel like he cant contribute. I struggle with this in my own situation - I have had the bulk of childcare duties (as well as working fulltime and keeping house) and have worked out by trial and error the best way to treat our daughter (only 2) to get the best results from her. By that I mean how to get a happy contented child, who at the same time isnt allowed to get her way all the time. In one day my husband can undo weeks of good work, and turn her back into a raving manic 2yo tanty thrower. Why, mainly because he sooks her and lets her have her way. So I have to admit on analysis that I am guilty of maternal gatekeeping, mainly for the purpose of keeping my own sanity (as any parent who has lived through toddler hell could understand!).

There is a huge difference between maternal gatekeeping and controlling though and many parents don’t know the difference. When my ex takes the kids (seldom), I do ask that he brings them home by 6pm so they can wind down and go to bed on schedule. This has been an issue for him because he feels I am “controlling” the situation when that isn’t it at all. We get up at 6am to go to daycare and if they are overtired, they are extremely difficult in the morning and are over tired and cranky at school. They will give both me and their caregivers a hard time because of it. It’s not their fault that they are over tired yet they must be disciplined for the poor behavior and that’s not fair to them. He doesn’t care about the effect it has on them though because he doesn’t have to deal with the after effects. He continuously brings them home late when he does have them just to spite me, so the problem isn’t just women trying to control the situation, the dads do it too. Unfortunately it is the children who suffer for it. It’s a shame that two people who once loved each other enough to have children can’t work together to do what is best for them. I think that because most children are in the custody of their mother’s, it’s more common for the moms to “get back” at the dads by using the kids as pawns

V.Amberlee- This is starting to get a tad monotonous with your grumbling of being a sole parent/lack of support of ex/your perception of defiance of your ex when he does visit your kids. You are sounding like you are the ONLY person ever to be a sole parent and are quite happy to wear the victim hat.

Honestly, just build a bridge and get over it. Focus on keeping your own head above water, get a job you enjoy, treasure the time with your children, whatever contact the ex has with the kids- just let them enjoy each other in their own way and unless you suspect overt/covert physicial/emotional abuse is present- just don't say anything.

You've got to move on- the future of your children depend on it.

Obviously you don't read well. How is my responding to Country Gal's post grumbling about being a single parent?
The reason I started this post was to meet other single parents and be a sort of support group. No one is forcing you to participate. If you don't like it, don't be a part of it, simple as that.
I do not wear a victim hat, I am quite happy and capable to care for my children on my own

V.Amberlee, sorry I didn't respond to your post from Friday earlier. It's been a very busy time.

Completely in agreement with you on that. When I mentioned gatekeeping I was refering to the type that insists that the other parent does everything by our rules and a lack of aceptance that they will do some things differently. That does get difficult around transition times - if a child is returned over tired or dosed up on lollies or junk food you and the child wear the consequences not the parent who created the situation. It's a balance all parents have to deal with in some way or another wether together or apart. A reflection of how controlling we are.

There can be a sense of ownership that comes with being the resident parent, something we need to be aware of and keep in check. It's possibly also easier for the non-resident parent to do the good time parent thing. It's easier to maintain in short bursts and the limited time with kids can lead to a temptation to try and make all the memories good ones. I don't think that there are any easy answers on either side to those quandries except for both parents to try and stay focussed on raising kids with balance and keeping their own issues out of the process as much as possible.

R0bert