The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Food!
9:30 am - Car ride!
9:40 am - Walk!
10:30 am - Woof!
12:00 pm - Bones!
1:00 pm - Played!
3:00 pm - Woof!
5:00 pm - Dinner!
7:00 pm - Played ball!
8:00 pm – Wagged Tail!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on bed!

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

There was a young farmer who lived by a school
This very nice young farmer used play with his
Marbles in spring time with the lady next door
You could tell by her actions she was a
Very nice young lady who lay on the grass
When she rolled over you could see her
Panties and stockings she could swim like a duck
You could tell by these actions she new how to
Bring up young girls to sew and to knit
While the boys are in the cow shed just shovelling
Shavings and sawdust that lay on the floor
If you like this little story I will tell you some more
She went to the market to by a fat hog
She passed by the farmer just having
A look at some daisies that grew near a rock
And when she went over he pulled out his
Wallet from his pocket and gave a big grunt
So she sat down beside him a showed him her
Handbag and stockings she was to shy to speak
SO THEY GOT MARRIED AND LIVED BY THE CREEK.

Have a good night don't let the bed bugs bite from Dave

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation:

"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really REALLY mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Six altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Keep 'em coming, people.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Hey Fractelle

Those phrases are right up my alley – thanks!

Then there was the old lady whose cat died. She placed it in a small box to take it to the pet cemetery. “Please”, she asked the bus driver. “Could you let me off at the pet cemetery? I need to bury my cat.”

“Gee”, said the bus driver, “That cat smells bad, you better sit right down the back lady and I’ll give you a call when we get to the cemetery.”

On arriving at the pet cemetery, the driver announced: “Would the lady with the smelly pussy, please get off the bus.”

With that, one lady stood up and two other ladies crossed their legs.

Yay friends (and foes) - have you seen Grandpa's trout?

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