Dear Jardine,

A few more from Ogden Nash:

"I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all."

"Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker."

"Love is a word that is constantly heard
Hate is a word that is not
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold
Love, I have read is hot
But Hate is the verb that to me is superb
And Love but a drug on the mart
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an art."

The police came to my door last night
holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer,
"Yes it is" I replied.

" I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident
"said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality"

Two women were talking.

"Do you look at your husbands face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
"Because he was watching from the window."!

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!

Was asked to go & see my ex girlfriend today.
One thing lead to another & we ended up havin sex.

Police weren't too pleased.
I was only meant to be identifying the body.

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum,
boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis.

Golf or Sex?

This guy is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching channels to a sexy movie, featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex. "Man, they are really getting' it on! I don't know whether to watch them or watch the golf match", he says to his wife.

His wife replies back, "Oh, for Pete's sake, Dummy, watch them! You already know..how to play golf!"

Many a true word spoken in jest :)

Picture Garfield the cat ... "I had a terrible night last night. I tossed and turned and worried, my depression was all-consuming ... I was so depressed that I had to get up, and phone Lifeline, I was put through to a call-centre in Afghanistan ... I told them that I was so depressed that I was suicidal ... They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck ...

“Children aren't happy..with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.”

“A door..is what a dog is perpetually..on the wrong side of.”

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.”

“You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.”

“LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE”

“I have an idea..that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm..the man she was preparing to overwhelm. ”

“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”

“Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive.”

“The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.”

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”

“There is only one way to achieve happiness..on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience..or none at all.”

“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want..that they really don’t want it.”

“The trouble with a kitten..is that it eventually becomes a cat.”

“The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.”

“When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.

Abracadabra, thus we learn
The more you create, the less you earn.

The less you earn, the more you’re given,
The less you lead, the more you’re driven,
The more destroyed, the more they feed,
The more you pay, the more they need,

The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take
If the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.”

Ogden Nash

Dear OUG,

Thanks for your entertaining jokes.

Here's another oldie but a goodie:

A LETTER FROM GRANDMA.

I received a letter from my grandma yesterday. She writes:

"The other day, I visited a local Christian bookshop
and spotted a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker
for the car. I bought the sticker and put it on the rear
bumper of my car.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought and I didn't notice the light had changed to green.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus too, because if
he hadn't honked, I would never have noticed the light
change.

I found that lots of people love Jesus.

Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of the window and
waving and smiling blew kisses to all these lovely people.
I even honked my own horn a few times to share in the love.

I saw a man waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger pointing up to the heavens.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said it was an old native good-luck sign he'd
read about. Well, I leaned out of the window and gave the
man the good luck sign right back. My grandson in the back
seat burst out laughing. Even he was enjoying the religious
experience.

Then I noticed the light had changed to green for the
second time, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that mine was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed to red again.
I felt rather sad, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them the native good luck sign with
my middle finger one last time as we drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people."

Love,
Gran.

from
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=riddles+for+thought

http://www.angelfire.com/fl/JackCraig/HUMOR-RIDDLES.html

http://www.google.com.au/search?q=jokes++for+thought

I'm trying to be less self-deprecating,
but I really suck at it.

I thought I was wrong once,
but I found out later I was mistaken.

I can be spontaneous,
if I have enough time to prepare for it.

Speling is my favourite sub/ject (

Just say NO to negativity!

I am not in denial!

Things are more like they are today..
than they ever have been before.

Being bored keeps me busy.

I don't like to eat...It ruins my appetite.

I used to be a perfectionist,..but I'm trying to improve.

Don't procrastinate...Put it off..NOW.

Repeat after me...We are all individuals.

A man's response..to seeing the ocean for the first time:
"It's not as big..as I thought it would be."

If you're right 90%...of the time,
why quibble about..the other 5%?

All generalizations..are wrong

I swear to god..i must be..the only
true optimist..left..on the planet.

My apathy..causes me problems,
but..I don't care.

It's extremely important..that you fully understand
how completely trivial..this statement is.

If I am not on Mars,..I must be somewhere else...Since I am somewhere else,..I must not be here...Could I am..be there?
It is..certainly..that he is...somewhere else...
Please take a look and let me..know if find me.

What is this..a paraphrase of?

I've felt like a goat,
ever since I was a kid

"Nobody goes..there anymore,
it's too crowded."

I'm not conceited.
Conceit is a fault,..and I have none.

Always remember..that you are a unique individual;
just like everyone else.

I want to join..the Optimist's Club,
but..they probably won't accept me.

Some people say.;.I have a short
attention span,..but I..say...

I'm sorry,..am I repeating myself?
Am I being redundant?..Am I saying things over and over?

I tried..to be patient
but it took too long.

I am never mistaken.
Well,..once I was wrong..because I thought I was wrong.

I thought..about changing my mind,
but then I reconsidered.

It appears that this thread has now run its
course and I'd like to Thank everyone who
contributed to it.

See you all on another discussion.

And, keep your spirits smiling and your
souls dancing to good music.