Dear Suse,

Poor Tonto.

I can hear him saying to the Lone Ranger:

"Was that supposed to be a warning shot Kemosabe?
Not so good!"

;-)

Dear SD,

The worst thing to hear in the cockpit of a plane,
the pilot saying, "Oh Shyte!"

Dear OUG,

Things lawyers have actually said in court:

Lawyer: "Your son, the youngest 20 year old,
How old is he?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone, until you returned?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Now Sir, I'm sure you are an
intelligent and honest man."
Witness: "Thank You. If I weren't under oath
I'd return the compliment."

Foxy,
I have heard worse than that in the cockpit.
There have been times a set of water cooled rosary beads would have been a welcome item.
SD

There was a preacher..who fell in the ocean..and he couldn't swim. When..a boat came by,..the captain yelled,

"Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later,..another boat came by..and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"..The preacher replied again,."No God will save me."

Eventually the preacher..drowned..& went to..judger his life judgments...The preacher asked God,.."Why didn't you save me?"

God replied,
"Fool,..I sent you two boats!"

A drunk staggers..into a..sic*Church,..enters a confessional booth, sits down,..but says nothing...The Priest coughs a few times..to get his attention,..but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally,..the Priest pounds three times..on the wall.
The drunk mumbles.. "Ain't no use knockin'!..There's no paper on this side either!"

Jesus,Moses,..and an old man..go golfing.

The first one..to tee off is Moses..He mashes the ball..and it is heading right for the water hazard..Moses raises his club,..the water parts,..and the ball makes it..to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing,..cranks it out,
and it is headed for the water hazard...Jesus closes his eyes and prays...The ball skips across the water..and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man's turn comes ..nd he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop..directly into the water.
BUT.A fish jumps from the water hazard..swallowing the ball,..JUST as an eagle..drops from the sky,..grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies..over the green,..a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle,..making it drop the fish...As the fish hits the green,..it spits out the ball..and the ball falls into the hole,..making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says,
"I really think..I'm leaving Dad..at home next time!"

A man is talking to God.
"God, how long is..a million years?"
God answers, "To me,..it's about a second...away"

"God,..how much is a million dollars?"
"To me,..it's as worthless as a penny."

"God, may I have a penny?"
sure..just "Wait a minute."

Q:..What do a Christmas tree..and a high-priest have in common?
A:..Their balls are just for decoration.

too many..to copy

http://www.awordinyoureye.com/category%20jokes%20God.html

from previous link

(#334)..That’s the way..to do it

One day,..three men were hiking
and unexpectedly came upon..a large raging, violent river.

They needed to get/to the..other side,
but had no idea..of how to do so.

The first man..prayed to God,..saying,
"Please God, give me..the strength to cross..this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms..and strong legs,..and he was able to swim across the river..in about two hours,..but only after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this,..the second man..prayed to God,
saying,.."Please God,..give me the strength..and the tools..to cross this river."

Poof!..God gave him a rowboat..and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,..but only after..almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man..had seen how this worked out..for the other two,
so he also prayed..to God saying,..

"Please God,..give me the strength..and the tools...
and the intelligence.....to cross this river."

And poof!..God turned him..into a woman.
She looked..*at the map,..then hiked upstream..a couple of hundred yards,..then walked across the bridge...[in7seconds flat]

(#338)..The Rabbi and his friends

A rabbi,..a priest,..and a minister..were talking one day.

The priest told..of an occasion when he was caught..in a snowstorm so terrible..that he couldn't see a foot..in front of him...He was completely confused,..unsure even of which direction..he needed to walk.

He prayed to God,..and miraculously,
while the storm continued..for miles in every direction,..he could clearly see his home..20 feet away...The minister..told a similar story.

He..had been out on a small boat..when a heavy storm struck.
There were 20-foot high waves,..and the boat was sure to capsize.

He prayed to God,..and, while the storm
continued all around,.for several feet in each direction,..the sea calmed,.and the minister was able to..return safely to port.

The rabbi, too,..had such a story.

One Shabbes morning,..on the way home from his Shul,
he saw a very thick wad..of £20 notes in the gutter.

Of course,..since it was Shabbat,..
the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money.

So he prayed..to God, \..and everywhere,
for miles..in every direction,=..it was still Shabbat,

but for 10 feet..around him,
it was Thursday*

Dear SD,

I always carry my rosaries whenever I fly.
Not taking any chances.

Dear OUG,

Thanks for all your jokes.
They're great!

And talking of jokes ...

Here's an oldie but a good one:

DUCKS GALORE!

St Peter greets three women at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Paradise, ladies. I'm sure you'll have a
lovely time, but we do have some rules to make your
eternal stay more pleasant. We're a little overrun
with ducks at the moment and it's very important you
don't stand on any of them. You can do anything else,
just don't stand on a duck!"

It got to day two and the first woman accidentally
stood on a duck. Suddenly she found herself handcuffed
to the ugliest, smelliest, most revolting man she could
possible imagine. For eternity! She would be chained to
this hideous, lecherous man forever!

The other two women decided to take more care. But one
night, as they were stumbling back from the Paradise Bar
with a few drinks under their belts, the second woman
stumbled and uh-oh- she stood on a duck!

Immediately the same thing happened, she found herself
handcuffed to the most grotesque, hideous, putrid man.
Forever.

After that, the third woman commenced a daily chant.
"Must not stand on a duck, must not stand on a duck."

For two years she chanted this mantra and this managed to
keep her feet feather-free.

However, out of nowhere, one day she found herself handcuffed
to a really divine looking man. A completely gorgeous and
handsome male.

"I don't understand," she said.

"What have I done?"

"I don't know," he replied, equally confused.

"All I know is that I stood on a duck!"

A couple of Ogden Nashisms:

Books by Max Weber
Are not much read by those whose occupations entail big proportions of manual labour
And books by Karl Marx
Are not much read by those who, instead of saying "ask", say "arks".

* * *

Hitler
Coulda been a victualler
But unfortunately for the German nation
He took to dictation.