Dear Suse,

I also love medical humour - I've got doctors in
the family and the stories they told around the
dinner table were part of my childhood growing up.
I also loved the Doctor series.

We lived in Los Angeles for close to ten years,
and my sons were born in Los Angeles. I remember
when I had my first baby being in the delivery room
when a group of medical students accompanied by
a specialist barged in and the specialist told the
students - "This is our hysterectomy," to which my
obstetrician swiftly replied - "You're in the wrong
theatre this patient has just given birth."
Needless to say the group all left rather promptly.

Your story about having to deal with male appendages
reminds me of my first experience as a young student with a
foreign film. It took me a long time to live down my
first memorable experience with a Swedish film, one movie night
at uni. I had never experienced explicit nudity on the
screen so when a full frontal erected penis appeared without
any warning I was totally unprepared and my "Gasp!" echoed
around the silent screening room amid snickering of
"Only virgin here!" by the men in the audience.

>"If Michaelangelo were a heterosexual, the Sistine
Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a
roller."<

That's priceless, Foxy, and just so not very PC. Good on ya.

A few (approximate) quotes/'lines':

"Are you gonna eat that?"
(Or: 'Shucks, you taste worse than anything I've ... ever actually eaten.')

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good; but when I'm bad, I'm better."

"Is that a banana in your pocket - or are you just happy to see me."

"Who put orange juice in my orange juice?"

"I like little kiddies - but I couldn't eat more than one at a time."

"I'm nobody's 'little girl'."

"The universe may Not be infinite - unlike Man's apparent capacity for stupidity."

A man goes into a bar and orders a whiskey and two pickled onions.
When served, he puts one pickled onion behind each ear, drinks his whiskey, and leaves.
Next day the man returns with the same order; places the pickled onions behind his ears, drinks his drink, and leaves.
Next day he makes the same order, but the barman says he hasn't any pickled onions, and asks if gherkins will do.
The man says yes, receives his order, places the gherkins behind his ears, drinks his drink, and prepares to leave;
but the barman (by this time busting with curiosity) calls the man back and asks: "Why did you put the gherkins behind your ears?"
To which the man replied: "Well, you didn't have any pickled onions, did you."

How does a DEAF man sell a pig?
Very LOUDLY: "Wanna buy a Pig?"

How does a BLIND man order a double whiskey?
"Can I have a double whiskey please."

Dear Saltpetre,

Thanks for taking the time to contribute
to this thread. I loved them all.

Here's a few more:

A man's ultimate embarrassment -
Running into a wall with an erection
And breaking his nose.

Life is short
Smile while you still have teeth.

A knight in shining armour
Can turn out to be
A retard in tin foil.

Never go to a doctor
Whose office plants have died.

In God We Trust
Everyone Else Pays Cash.

Over the hill is better
Than under it.

I wish the buck stopped here
I could use a few.

I was Snow White
But I drifted.

If money is the root of all evil
Why do churches keep begging for it?

By the time you find greener pastures
You're too old to climb the fence.

If you have something to say
Raise your hand
And place it over your mouth.

Honk if you want the middle finger.

...meanwhile , back at the ranch,

Tonto, disguised as a door,

Had his knob shot off!

Son: When I grow up Dad I want to be a Pilot.
Dad: You cannot do both son.

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots
But there are no old bold pilots.

SD

A Divorce Lawyer..died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him..“What have you done..to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment,..then said,
“A week ago,..I gave a quarter to a homeless person..on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel.to check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true...Saint Peter said,..“Well..that’s fine,..but it’s not really..quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said,..“Wait Wait!..There’s more!
Three years ago..I also gave a homeless person..a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel,..who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,..too,..had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,.“Well,
what do you suggest we do..with this fellow?”..Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance,..then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back..his 50 cents
and tell him..to go to Hell.”

Two small boys,..not yet old enough to be in school,
were overheard talking..at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy...What's yours?"
asked the first boy..."Tommy," replied the second..."My Daddy's an accountant.

What does your Daddy do..for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied,.."My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No,..just the regular kind"..replied Tommy.

A man..needing some legal help
walks into a law firm...He asks an attorney:

"If I give you $300 to help answer..
two legal problems I have,..will you help me?"

The attorney replies:
"Sure,..what's the other question?"

A doctor..told his patient..that his test results
indicated that she had..a rare disease..and had only six months to live.

"That's such a short amount of time,..doctor.
Isn't there anything I can do?"..pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised.
"It will be..the longest six months..of your life."

How can you know
when..a lawyer is lying?

he moves his lips.

A Harvard and Yale/Law grad..met in a washroom..during a law convention...The Harvard graduate said,.."Didn't they teach you to wash..your hands at Yale?".

The Yale grad responded,..
"They taught us not to pp [hiss]..on our hands."