Dear Foxy,

You say “you're really fortunate to be blessed with a happy marriage” and I should say thank you for your kind thoughts however I'm not sure they are deserved for two reasons.

The first is I find it hard to think of us in terms of a marriage keeping in mind it took me ten years to the day to propose. We always miss our wedding anniversary and tend to celebrate instead the day we met, or rather the night, and as that was Easter Saturday it helps keep it in the memory.

Secondly we have our ups and downs like any other couple so happy doesn't always fit either.

I do on the other hand feel fortunate to be blessed with a 'strong relationship' and some of the unhappy times we have been through has added texture and strength to it.

I recall making, in our early years and in a very rational manner, the decision to be totally monogamous. I led a fairly wild life through university thoroughly enjoying the platonic company of other women and have a reasonable notion of what I have missed, but that resolve was never really tested. I was always cognisant of what a truly precious gift trust really was. Any temptations always felt well short of the price I knew I would pay.

But all this was done outside of the institution of marriage.

So why get married?

Is it a manufacturing of a deeper commitment to each other? I'm not sure that can be done. If we expect marriage or children to elevate our feelings toward our partner I see such thinking as fraught.

Is it a way of having others, from relations to society as a whole, invest in your relationship? Possibly.

I know why I did it and those reasons possibly don't match my partner's. I suspect though that our waiting period may have assisted in getting the foundations right first thus allowing us to survive marriage.

Maybe a follow up question to yours is what are the barriers to someone having a lifelong relationship?

The best way to make a marriage last a lifetime, is to live to your means.

Dear snake,

What a relief to hear that someone liked
my farmer joke. I thought it was appropriate
and funny, but because I didn't get any sort of
a response, I thought perhaps I'd goofed.
Anyway, your response is very re-assuring.
I can now relax.

Dear Houellie,

My brother and I have always been very close.
We were "latch key" kids. Our parents worked.
He's always been there for me, and I absolutely
adore him. He's taught me to have the courage to
follow my heart's intuition. As for dis-owning a family
member for wrong doing ... I couldn't possibly
ever do that.

Dear csteele,

I understand that some people desperately want to
get married. There is an innate part in some of us
that needs ritual and ceremony. I'm happy that I
did. To me it was essentially a beautiful
day. But it's not for everyone. Some people don't
hold that piece of paper, the marriage certificate,
all that important. What is important is to work at
the relationship. And I'm glad that you're blessed
with a strong one.

You mentioned barriers to a successful lifetime
relationship? One of the biggest is trying to
rewire a relationship to suit
your own needs. Trying to make your mate what you
want him or her to be, rather than rejoicing in
your differences. We all have the power to diminish.
And there's nothing more unpleasant than to see a
partner in a relationship being stripped of their
vitality. It's far better to respect a partner who
has their own excitement, passion, to honor their variety.
Than to constantly put them down.

On the other side of the coin,
the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship are -
respect, desire, forgiveness, and of course, love.

Dear Desmond,

Living within your means is a huge part of
maintaining a lifetime relationship.

I admit that we haven't always been able
to do that - however, we've always consulted
each other and both managed to work - paying
off the debts.

Foxy, you might be interested to know that this lady I've had 3 kids with is a librarian.

I think it was probably 5 years as first childrens, & then research librarian, in a Sydney suburban library that sent her off to sail around the world.

From couples I've seen, I think the lucky ones are those who start early, together, & grow more together. By the time you are a bit older, you often have both erected a few walls, which can have sharp edges, requiring care to prevent causing pain.

It also helps to share memories. Some of my best are however solo. The sight of a huge tropical moon, rising out of a shimmering lagoon, on a still breathless night, is something not soon forgotten. Spectacular, & bright enough to read by, you find yourself whispering things like "wow, get a load of that", although there is no one with many miles to show it to.

I know my lady would have loved to see more of these things, but there is only so much time, & she wanted kids more. There's more than a few memories of them, too.

One of my favourites is of her rowing the small dingy in from the yacht, with our daughter, aged about 18 months, clinging to her neck. This limpit like thing made bigger by a life jacket, was stopping her getting a full stroke of the oars, making it hard to stem the tide.

She arived puffed, but happy at the beach, but always made sure the girl was safely settled before starting out, from then on.

Dear Hasbeen,

Your lady's a librarian?

So am I!

You've got excellent taste! :-)

A huge tropical moon rising out of a simmering
lagoon - sounds breath-taking. And I can imagine
that's a memory that will last a lifetime.
I've never seen a tropical full moon. It must be
an awesome sight.

I remember when our ship first docked at Hilo on Hawaii
Island. It was during the day however.
The beauty was totally unlike anything I'd ever
seen. Its harbour, a crescent-shaped bay, the tropical
forests surrounding the city and the volcanoes of Mauna
Loa and Mauna Kea rising up behind Hilo added to the unique
beauty. What got to me was the deep-blue water, the
brilliantly coloured flowers, the greeness of everything.
I thought I was in Paradise. It was only a short
stop-over - and we've never gone back. Perhaps one day
we will and I'll get to see a full tropical moon...

Your wife sounds like an incredible lady.
The love and pride that you express for her and your
family comes across so clearly in your posts.
I think that's wonderful.
And I Thank You for sharing so much on this thread.