I think steele is right.

It seems to me that people who stay married are the ones where both partners honestly and seriously were committed to it in the first place. From my observations, it's about how likely one is to choose to quit once things get too hard. I know this sounds arrogant, but I do get the impression people who divorce just weren't as committed in the first place.

Some of these people who are more committed no doubt would have led much happier lives if they were more flexible and adaptable to the changing reality of the marriage and got out. I said in my earlier post my partner and I are in agreement that it's ok for either of us to lean on the other in an unfair way for up to a year, then it's time to take responsibility for the happiness of the marriage no matter what personal stuff you're struggling with. Get your sh1t together man! But I still think to a large degree a divorce is a permanent solution to a temporary problem if both parties are committed to work on it.

Maybe it's just I have 100% faith in my partner's ability to communicate what she wants, compromise if necessary, and that she values the relationship and the work put in by both of us thus far, the stability of the children, and is worldly enough to recognise the grass isn't always greener over there. Like me. Shared values. It must be hard when one partner doesn't value these things.

When people break up they must be convinced that the partner they're with just hasn't got the ability or the will to allow them a happy life any more. That must be devastating when all those years invested in a relationship amounts to nothing.

Dear Houellie,

I agree. In order to make a partnership work -
you both have to be committed to making it work,
and shared values are also important.

We're mere mortals, we're not perfect, we all make
mistakes. In order to move forward, we need to
forgive ourselves. I also try to put myself in the
other person's shoes, so I can feel what they're
feeling, not just what I'm feeling.

I think the key to all this is that one person may
do all they can to keep their relationship as healthy
as it can be, but it's not enough. No matter how
healthy you become, as you pointed out, your partner
has to be working alongside you. If they aren't,
then it won't work. And as you said - the relationship
ends up failing.

I'm happy that you've found your soul mate!

Everyone has a different formula for a long relationship and if it works for you, Great. Who am I to suggest how anyone else should live.
I divorced some years ago because we both changed in different ways. We both wanted different things and so went our separate ways. It was sad of course but we were both determined the split would be without any acrimony and we are still good friends although she has now married a more suitable person. There followed a 5 year involvement that was both outrageous and memorable, but broke up as she wanted further kids. Now I have a relationship that has lasted 22 years and I put this down to the fact that we don't live together. She just comes at the weekend for 3 days and leaves on Monday. It is quite surprising how many of our friends say "How do you manage that ? I wish I could"

I have never subscribed to "opposites attract" and while I encourage my partner to have other interests, the essentials like sex, politics and religion should be jointly held. It is interesting to note that all three women have met and get along well together, although they give me a hard time when they gang up on me over my failings !

Message to Foxy......

Loved the joke about the farmer !

Dear snake,

As you said, whatever works...

I've got a brother who lives in Byron Bay - and
he's always been a bit of a "free spirit."
The thing that my mother could never
understand was - my brother lived with his current
wife, his current girlfriend, and his ex-wife, all
under the same roof. And they got on very well
together.

We never questioned his life-style. However, he has
mellowed over the years. He still sees his ex-wife,
but he only lives with his current wife at present.

He has one son and an adopted daughter that he's
raised. Both children are sensitive, decent, caring
human beings.

My brother's happy and so is his wife.
Whatever they're doing - it works for them.

See Foxy,

Sex and drugs man!

Those Hippies were onto something.

I like it how you accept him for who he is.
But I find sometimes people will accept behaviour from a family member they would be tut tutting about if they weren't close to the person.

Then again I'd rather that than the family that disowns one of their own due to bad behaviour. I've never understood that.

Whenever I see a murderer or someone who's done something really bad on TV, I always feel for their family as well as the family of the victim of course. Not fashionable to care, but it must be really hard when your child is a murderer.