People say it’s better to be divorced than living together unhappily. That may be true, but it’s better to be happily married than happily divorced.

There’s no way to guarantee it but you can certainly reduce the odds in your favour.

1. Decide to have a happy marriage for life.
2. Select as partner someone who is sane and decent, and has the same aim.
3. Make a commitment – in words - to each other to be married for life.
4. Make the marriage a good deal for your partner.
5. Make a habit of providing what your partner wants.
6. Ask for you what you want, and make it easy for your partner to hear and to provide it.

You’d be surprised the number of people who end up divorced who never decided to be married for life. I know someone who married a complete drop-kick, and had a horrible divorce. Later we asked her about it and she said “Oh I thought I would get married and if it didn’t turn out, I could always divorce him later.”!

You’d be surprised at the number of people who marry or partner someone with mental health issues, or a drug or alcohol problem, or a gambling addiction, or a criminal history, and so on. You have to be discriminating.

I asked another single mother if she had ever made a commitment to her partner. “No” she said in a superior tone “We didn’t need to. We *just knew* we were committed to each other.”!

You’d be surprised at the number of people who expect their spouse to know what they want without asking for it. Or spouses who try to solve conflict by asking what’s “reasonable”, or what’s normal, or what’s equal. The real question is whether the parties are happy.

Contrary to popular opinion, the critical ingredient is not love, which should not be expected to be the beast of burden on which the parties throw all their troubles, stresses, financial dealings, parenting etc. etc. The critical ingredient is commitment, and mutual satisfaction.

The short answer, foxy, is that there isn't a short answer.

One of the realities of life is that we don't necessarily stop changing, throughout our lives.

We change physically, which can be a problem.

If one partner has expectations that do not include this factor, disappointment sets in and the rot begins.

We change mentally, which can be a problem in exactly the same way.

And is far more tricky to fix.

If I start out as a rabid greenie, and you fall in love with my enthusiasm for tilting at windmills, then you are going to be upset when I start to think that John Howard wasn't such a bad chap after all.

On the other hand, if I fell in love with your sound common sense and good financial management, and you decided that we should give up our city apartment and go and live somewhere back of Nimbin and grow weed, I might have cause for concern too.

The worst possible reaction, of course, is to walk away without understanding what went wrong, and immediately create the same no-win situation with someone else.

As it happens, I'm pretty certain I have found my life partner. We talk about everything. Argue about most things. But respect that we are both smart enough not to play games any more. If we argue long enough, we invariably reach a solid compromise. The bruises we give each other in the process are all part of the deal, and are worn as badges of honour rather than resented.

Can't say it would work for anyone else though.

Which is probably as it should be. If there were a formula that worked for all, what a truly boring world it would be.

Hiya Foxy.

1. Our relationship and home are a refuge from all the craziness of life and the demands of people outside the marriage. For example, make distance from any in-laws and various annoying relatives and nosy friends.
2. Take a day off work every anniversary to spend together. We drink champagne, reminisce, look through pics of the kids and laugh a lot.
3. I always talk about my spouse as if he was in the room. I'm considerate of his feelings and dignity and he is of mine.
4. What isn't done by Friday 5.00 pm doesn't get done. Friday night we've always let the kids stay up as late as they want; eat and do what they want. We do the same. The only rule on Friday night is that each of us can do anything we like as long as it's not work and we don't annoy anyone else. We do housework together on Saturday mornings.
5. We have our own interests away from each other.
6. If either of us don't want to do some task we hire someone else to do it. Life's too short to spend worrying about whether some drak job like mowing or window washing will get done. If the budget can't stand it then we both pitch in to get the job over and done with.
7. Confidence in the relationship also comes out of looking after each other in the most inelegant times (like mopping up while they're hurling into the porcelain for hours on end.).
8. Always leave the door ajar so that the other feels free to leave and assured of no resentment or meanness if they do. That way we both know we're staying because we want to rather than because there is no alternative. We are committed to each others happiness.
9. We pray together sometimes. Prayers of gratitude rather than a list of problems we want solved. We share a spiritual faith and I think that matters.

Thirty years on (we married young) and I can say that togetherness definitely improves with age.

Dear Hasbeen,

I've got a couple of questions...

1) Are you married?
2) How long?

Dear Houellie,

Sex and drugs?

Whatever works ... The latest issue of a woman's
magazine tells us that, "Regular nooky (that is, twice
a week) not only makes you look and feel younger but
can reduce your risk of life-threatening heart
conditions by 45 per cent compared to once-a-monthers..."
At least that's the claim of a research study published
in the "American Journal of Cardiology."

Dear Shadow Minister,

Get married at 80?

Yes, but what do you do in the meantime?

Dear Pelly,

I totally agree that marriage is a team effort.
I can also identify with being married to an
alcoholic - and staying in an unhappy marriage.
(Been there, done that), but for me things changed,
and improved - with occasional lapses - but that's
life.

Dear Sherkahn,

Boxing gloves is not something I'd have thought of -
but it sounds like a great way to get rid of anger
and frustrations - providing the other party agrees
to box.

Dear Peter Hume,

Thanks for your list. It makes a great deal
of sense.

And, to commitment and mutual satisfaction, I'd also add -
compromise, communication, respect, and a sense of humour.
As well as not fussing over unimportant things.

Dear Pericles,

I think it's important to have a connection with your
partner. To share similar interests, to be able to
talk things out. It isn't always easy to keep the
flame burning. People grow comfortable with each other,
or they become creatures of habit. And they aren't
always in tune with their partners. Sometimes when you've
been in a relationship for a while, you get bogged down
with a lot of negativity and dullness, and you get
tired of dealing with all that stuff.

I think it's important as you pointed out,
to talk about everything - especially if you're trying
to re-wire the substance of the relationship to suit
your own needs. That's a tough one for a lot of people,
because for some, there always has to be a chief.

Dear Pynch,

Your post actually brought tears to my eyes.

Thank You.

I think you're covered things pretty well -
and what a marvellous idea - your Friday
nights are. I'll have to try it at our house.
I also totally agree with the concept of leaving
the door ajar - and letting go - having your own
space - absolutely! The same applies to praying
together. (That brought a lump to my throat).

Some tips for a successful marriage
1. Base relationship on commitment instead of lust. Girls a man does not love you unless he is prepared to commit to you despite what he says.
2. Wives submit and respect husbands.
3. Husbands show servant leadership towards your wife.
4. Understand that the better a marriage the more secure the children will be so don't make your kids gods.
5. Celebrate successful marriages instead of buying magazines where womanizers and whores are held in high regard.
6. Avoid taking baggage into your marriage.
7. Worship the Author of marriage together.
8. Learn to forgive and forget.
9. If you fail seek God's mercy and healing.