Foxy: Kahlil Gibran once wrote about marriage:
"Stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart."

I love that - thanks Foxy!

Well there is always the old amusing saying that you should
not let marriage intefere with your sex life :)

.

Dear Pynch,

I'm glad you liked the quote.
It's one of my favourites.

Dear Yabby,

In the days when
intercourse was likely to lead to pregnancy, there
was a strong practical incentive for sex to be
restricted to marital partners, as our society at
that time made little provision for the proper care
of children born to unmarried mothers.
Today, of course things have changed and sexual
experience gives the partners a standard by which to
measure the performance of their spouses - an
opportunity that the partners in a traditional virgin
marriage did not have - and the spouses may be found
wanting.

Changing sexual norms inevitably threaten a system based
on the assumption that the partners will have an
exclusive and mutually gratifying sexual relationship.

cont'd ...

Dear Yabby,

You may enjoy this:

One day Gerhard and Johann are talking about
holidays. Gerhard says, "I think I am just
about ready to book my winter holidays again,
but I'm going to do it differently this time.
In the past, I have always taken your advice
about where to go. Three years ago you said
go to the Greek Islands. I went to the Greek
Islands and my wife Brigitt got pregnant. Then
two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda
and Brigitt got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested the Canary Isles and, as you know,
Brigitt got pregnant yet again.

Johann asks, "So what are you going to do different
this year Gerhard?"

"This year," replies Gerhard, "I'm taking Brigitt
with me!"

Foxy

One could comment fairly by saying if you have to 'make' your marriage work then you're missing the point of a marriage in modern terms.
An arranged marriage of yesteryear may clearly needed to be worked at meaning that the individuals, usually the woman had to be submissive.
either to the 'system' or the male, arguable the same thing.

In the modern sense a marriage is merely the formalization of a relationship, nothing more and certainly nothing less.

Therefore the question should be about a maintenance of the relationship, a subtle but significant differentiation.

Clearly a relationship takes two, both people need to accept the other *as they are* and rather than force adjustments for or on the other person (this is often temporary and fraught with misunderstanding). As most people are motivated most by their own interests it is imperative to believe that life with the other person is in ones *own* interests.

If one internalizes/fully accepts this way of thought then any accommodation one makes to maintain the relationship has the best motives possible. Ultimately the distinction between why some action was taken becomes irrelevant. By Contrast, going to a counselor and being told "You don't", "you should" may engender some temporary change but under stress it tends to reassert it's self as "I did this/that for you" recriminations etc.

Successful marriages all seem to have that fundamental acceptance of what is not well he/she will change. Change is inevitable but will it be consistent with your secret agenda.
My view is either make the fundamental acceptance in your mind or label everything and have plastic(not breakable,non lethal) plates.

This wasn't what you wanted but I am me and what else would you expect but an over though answer?

Dear Examinator,

When I asked, "How do you make a marriage work
for a lifetime?" Perhaps I should have put it
in better terms. As the term "work" seems to
have conjoured up for you a negative picture.
Whereas that was not my intention at all.
I meant "work," as something that was part of
a natural process to keep the flame burning,
so to speak. And, both partners have to be
willing to do it.

The key to a successful relationship is -
that one person may do
all they can to keep that relationship as healthy as it
can be, but it isn't enough. No matter how healthy you
become, your partner has to be working alongside you.
If they aren't, then it's like one hand clapping. It has
to meet the other hand to make the sound of applause.

The most successful couples aren't the ones who don't
argue; they're the ones who argue well. Conflict is
part of the package. Lust and attraction don't last.
What I'm talking about is that sense of contentment,
of sharing, of oneness with another human being.
I certainly am not suggesting that there isn't any
conflict and pain along the way. But anyone
in a successful relationship will know
how nourishing it is and that it exists alongside a whole
range of emotions - even flashes of acute rage.

It can take many years to achieve, and it
seems to flow parallel to the journey of self love.
There's a fair amount of cynicism about love and
marriage around, especially with divorce skyrocketing
and so many children living in single-parent households.
But if almost half of all marriages break up, that means
more than half survive. What's more, the majority of
people who divorce tend to marry again, so no doubt many
eventually find that deeper love with someone new.