So I come across your message tonight Examinator and my husband looks up and goes

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, why?”

“You just muttered “oh no””...

What I (my definition) meant by “settle” (in regard to Romany) within a marriage was never settle for your partners happiness being more important than you own.

Of course for this to happen it must be clear to your partner; you must have let them know who you are. This should take place before marriage I suspect, if it is not going to reach expiry quickly.

The question of an active search for a partner, no don’t go looking but, like anything, be open to finding it.

Feelings and thoughts of “love”; they weave in and out of a marriage but are rarely a constant.

PS… For Xmas I want a cheque in the mail like my nana used to send me.

Foxy, Hi. A breath of fresh air… that’s so cool because I am here using you all shamelessly. I insist you will all make me smarter.

Hi Romany,
I felt that from your life experiences with love and marriage you had a special insight into what I was trying to say about there being a need to look at different ways of being in a marriage; especially in your statement -- < Many of us agree that the definition of the family has changed. Yet we still define marriage itself in the same way. >
I wasn’t necessarily advocating open marriage( although if it works for the couple then O.K,but I find it hard to believe that the marriage would survive) I was just suggesting that one option if the stresses of living together are too great especially in the case of young children that the marriage may actually work much better with separate dwellings or at least a small unit as a retreat for each parent on a roster basis or something.

Anyway it is always nice when someone takes the time to read your post and respond to it with thoughtful consideration.

I even enjoy when someone responds with disagreement as I love debate and the interchange of ideas. We can all learn much from each others points of view.

Dear Jewely,

You are a breath of fresh air!

As for our teaching you anything.

I for one am learning so much from you.

I love your posting style, your sense of
humour - and your ability to not take
things too seriously.

I agree with Ginxy - your style of posting -
sheer magic!

I'm so glad you've joined us on this Forum!

Jewely, I would like to say how greatly I admire you and your husband for having fostered 106 children under 5years in 10years, plus your own two.
That is an incredible acheivement and a very loving one.

Your refreshing spirit and straightforwardness does indeed shine through your posts as other posters here have noted. Hope I haven't embarrassed you too much. In that case this post will self destruct in 5minutes and you will have no memory of ever having read it

Foxy,
What are you intrigued about do tell ?

Jewely
Why oh no? I think I not so simply amplified the same points as you.
The only differences I can see is that I pointed out the reality of the situation as I have observed.
My favourite SF author was Isaac Asimov many of his fictional books followed an extended Big picture context collectively they commented on human development as he saw it.
M. Peake's “Titus Groan” series was multi layered too.

Being a total tragic I often write in the same multilevel basis, the subject and links, the philosophy and my origins. As a collection they reveal much.

This raises Three points:
-my philosophy not wish list as in “the big picture posts”.
-my history in on going tales.
-Finally the significant influences in my life.

The latter being germane to my last post (my background as a long term volunteer crisis intervention councillor.) See where its going?

One technique used is reality feedback .
This means feed back reality in a different form often help with feelings of doubt . It seems to have a cathartic effect to those who question their decisions.

My hope is that my efforts might help others to look a little deeper than appearances.
We are more than the sum of our genes likewise our statements are more than the sum of the word. As are our understanding of people more than the sum total of our conversations. See nothing perplexing about me it's all there.

If that doesn't solve insomnia nothing will. :-)

PS I send you a signed cheque, you fill in any amount and if the bank cashes it I'll go you halves :-(

Uh-oh. Remember that big weight that lifted from shoulders for about three hours? Its back.

See, I think I wasn't quite clear on the sequence of events re first husband/open marriage thing.

It was I who, after sweating and grieving and a couple of visits to a shrink, finally alerted said husband to the imminent demise of the marriage. He, as people often do, completely disregarded all the angst and agonising and immediately decided that the only reason one could possibly call quits to a marriage was if there was Someone Else.

He it was who then suggested that I go and have my little (non-existant) fling at that or any other subsequent time but that I stay married to him.

See? Paints a different picture, doesn't it? Not nasty philandering husband and wronged wife but selfish, inconsiderate wife and loving, generous husband determined to take any steps to save marriage.

Bang! Shoulders bowed once more.

Sharkfin. Yeah, I fully got what you were saying and yeah,the point is that whatever floats a particular couple's boat - be it open marriage, seperate domiciles etc.

But, in my rather simple mindset its all or nothing and - I'm not just whistling in the dark - I really am perfectly content with nothing now.

Probably because I've turned into a selfish old hag who is no longer interested in subsuming her own wishes or personality. I want to turn out the lamp when I am ready to turn out the lamp, and eat when and what I want to eat, and never have to seek anyone elses permission or put up with their negativity when I'm feeling positive.

But I would still walk barefoot over broken bottles at the drop of a hat if one of my friends - male or female - needed me to do so. (Though, actually, the reason for such a need arising somewhat stretches my imagination).