Romany,
Whoa there Girl,
I originally sensed confusing about guilt and was responding in line to that and pointing out to Jewely that the decision must be yours to discard all of the above. And show her the realities of the her stance to you.

Directly at you and with the extra information the point is still the same.
Both sharkfin, others and I were saying in the last issue 'what ever floats your boat is right for YOU. My comment on that line were MY views if it were me and ALWAYS so. Beyond that would be presumptuous and contrary to all I believe. My opinions are mine and mine alone.

My take on the 'failed' marriage was as I stated any relationship depends on equilibrium between the three entities her, me and us.
Your first husband's variation on 'indecent proposal' (the movie) was symptomatic of a greater malaise....something(s) in the in the trine was/were in disequilibrium.
Logic dictate that it takes outside of psychosis it takes two to have a relationship and no one player can shoulder the heavy lifting.

(going out on a limb here) I would say that the 'indecent proposal' was symptomatic of his unwillingness or in ability to share the burden. That in its self implies a use by date.
In any relationship one party can only lead the other to the well but can't make them drink.
I would ask how is that your problem?

If he can't for fundamental reasons it 's counter intuitive to 'blame' him. In short it seems to me you did the only thing that is sensible other wise the relationship would have derailed its self over something else or degenerated into something less than what you need..a habit. Like I also said you can love some one but not be IN love it all depend on your expectations and more importantly NEED in a relationship. Hence the boat floating.
In short your weight of the world is at least inappropriate.
My other off line request was that I would like to ask you for some professional advice

“See? Paints a different picture, doesn't it? Not nasty philandering husband and wronged wife but selfish, inconsiderate wife and loving, generous husband determined to take any steps to save marriage.”

No I don’t see, the idiot accused you of being a vow breaker. You felt you needed to see a shrink while in this marriage. Pfft… sequence my rear end.

He said you could go off and have a fling? Mighty white of him I must say. No effort at all from him to respect himself or the marriage. He chose not to fight but to assume and then send you off like a stupid parent would with a spoilt child.

I’m wondering if instinct ended it more than thought. Oh Romany I just had one (a thought, I’ll be okay) and please don’t take it a bad way because I am terrible at words and getting a good message across.

You are smart, just take it… smart people seem to think everything is their fault because they were supposed to be the clever ones which means in charge or equal in decisions. You probably married him because of his brain? Maybe he overused his too. You were probably both so busy thinking you forgot the usual things like “jealousy”.

Also at this point (I’m guessing it was awhile ago?) what are you doing for yourself? Even if convinced of total control in this first marriage and you want to own the blame – now forgive yourself. You knew so much at the time and more now but let that go.

And look, two immune boys! I am jealous, I always wanted jewelry and stuff.. just not practical in my line of volunteering. you're right, here have a hug instead.

Jewly - yeah, see: I twigged it a while ago, girl. All this Columbus-like stuff about how you have to go off and think things through etc. is a crock...you are the smartest of us all.

You really did do me good : I very rarely mention that first experience - kinda gets lost in the face of the wife-beating, alcoholic, sociopath who was Number Two. So it was a strange experience to take it out and look at it all over again. And, on an objective level I fully get what you are saying.

Examinator - wow, and you really floored me too. Y'know mostly when women on this forum have shared anything personal all it invites is invective, abuse, criticism and accusations of dishonesty - as you will have seen from the thread Fractelle referenced.

I once had a poster who wanted me to supply names and addresses of my friends etc. who could back up my "claims" for me. (Very, very scarey.) We are just not used to being treated seriously and with respect: this is not a particularly female-friendly space.

No worries, mate: you can contact me: just contact Susan P with the initial one and ask her if she would mind forwarding it on to me: and be sure to put your name in the Title box as I NEVER open mail from anyone I don't know on that address but send them unopened into the recycle bin. Look forward to hearing from you.And thank you.Both of you.

Romany, I think I respect you because you have dissented from the accepted doctrine and besides, I don’t want to name names, but the least I can say about marriage is that I’m suspicious.

Marriage of course is not for sissies but then again perhaps it is, for most married people who are unhappy, are also terrified of going it alone.

I was once married to a well-to-do Sydney high flyer and we lived in splendour on the North Shore in a house tucked away in an acre and a quarter of landscaped garden and oh boy was I miserable. Many moons ago, I packed the kids up and left. I sought no settlement or maintenance and none was offered. Anyway it would have been blood money in my opinion. The dump I purchased in the “Bronx” cost me less than my recent tooth implant.

I chose not to remarry or to take a live-in partner because one of my resolutions was not to give my children a stepfather – I had been a stepmother and I’d also had a stepfather.

Our lives since leaving Sydney have been funny, colourful and rewarding and the children fondly reminisce about the tin-lined dump in which they were raised.

There was no conflict between their parents since the father abandoned them once he realised I was not returning to continue witnessing his drunken vaudeville shows.

The down side to going it alone for a young woman with children is that society presumes you are alone from necessity – not choice

Insecure married women see single women as predatory man-eaters. One woman comes to mind whom I encountered at various functions who was so cruel that I had to quietly assure her that I was not a threat because her husband was as ugly as mud.

Against the so-called odds society burdens us with, my children are happily married to loving spouses. I am blessed with good friends of both sexes and clearly no longer regarded as a "threat" and though I remain single, I have a most fortunate life.

When I started this thread I was hoping
that it would evolve into a great discussion.
It's far exceeded my expectations.

Dear Romany - I'm glad that Jewely's advice has
helped lift some of that weight off your shoulders.
I agree with you about Jewely - she's probably the
smartest of us all. And I also agree about examinator,
as well as men like CJ, Robert, Belly, Forrest,
Pericles, and quite a few others - (too many to mention
here) along with females like - Ginxy, Fractelle,
yourself, and now Jewely, all of you are what I call
"Plus," people - who make posting on this Forum so
enjoyable.

Dear Protagoras,

Not all married women see single women as predatory
man eaters. I think it stems from a certain insecurity.
Sometimes with good reason (their husband may be a
"player"). But in your case it sounds like you've got
the best of all worlds.
Great to hear!

“Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties
one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and
heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to
become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the
other, that the binding covenant between them may be
a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this:
to become loving companions and comrades and at one
with each other for time and eternity.... "The true marriage
of Bahá'ís is this, that 'husband and wife should be united
both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve
the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting
unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage."


（From letter of the Universal House of Justice to the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States, March 30, 1967, Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 368）