R0bert, I think your experience speaks volumes for your own ability to be even-handed and to resolve conflicts, which has been demonstrated here quite often.

I've only known a couple of workplace bullies. One was a memorable German chap, who was prone to fits of rage about seeming trivialities. I think I was sacked about 4 times and reinstated via a phone call and apology before I finally quit after nearly 5 years. His was a classic case of being unable to negotiate outcomes in the heat of the moment, as well as a certain cultural barrier and I suspect some natural diffidence which lead to bluster. He was a chess Master, but never quite made it to Grand Master level, which I know irked him a lot. Basically a decent guy, but out of his depth in dealing with people. Many of his employees hated him with a passion and he suffered a huge amount of theft from his shops as a result.

Another was the wife of an employer, who used to blow into the place and make herself a generalised nuisance. She loved to bear grudges and had one against everybody and anybody and what's more, she tried to act on them. I actually left that job because of her. She was a complete psycho.

Otherwise, I've also been lucky. Come up against several workplaces, especially in remote places, where there were "cliques" that tended to not interact much with each other, but that's the extent, really.

In the interest of fairness, I should say that I've probably been something of a bully myself in the boss's role at times. Working in construction and engineering the stakes and pressures are high and can lead to lessthan perfect styles of interation. I've certainly threatened people with the sack, even sacked a couple. No question I've been sarcastic and belittling. Undoubtedly I've shouted on occasion. However, at the same time, I've happily accepted uncomplimentary nicknames, since it lets people vent safely. The most memorable was "Hooter", which I got for the inevitable explosion from the office each morning when I discovered things that had been poorly done or needed to be revisited. After one especially good effort I received a standing ovation. It's hard to remain cranky after something like that.

Dear Antiseptic,

I agree with RObert. I think it's a mix of things.

Whether its in our relationships or in the workplace,
it seems we're always negotiating for our own voice,
and for me personally, I've always been afraid of
speaking what I feel. As a little girl, I was shy.
I wasn't comfortable with my own ideas, never
believing they were worthy of being heard. As I grew
older, I was afraid of my own strength and worried
that it would make me a threat.
Now after all this time I'm game to
throw down the gauntlet on occasion.
I've found that the only
path to happiness is to really be
all that you can be.

I don't mean to suggest being aggressive. However I
do think it's important to be secure and unafraid
of speaking your own mind.
If your intentions are not
just to win, then you can feel good that
you've spoken your mind without malice or anger but
just from the depth of your truth.

Sure there are many moments when we might say to
ourselves, Gee, I shouldn't have said that, or
maybe I should have said it differently. Well, okay,
maybe we often have to work on our presentations.
I find it important hopwever to be conscious and
compassionate and to act with great civility.

I've known bullies all of my life.
However I took it in my stride.
Tried reasoning , then ended up leaving for
the sake of my sanity. Because of my looks -
I found females to be worse in my case - then
men. All the bullies I've known were females.
It could also have need that I wasn't
aggressive - and they saw me as an easy target -
who knows? But I'm now in a job that I do love,
I have an excellent team of colleagues, and
my boss (male) is wonderful! So I can't complain.
I'm a lucky girl!

'I've known bullies all of my life. '

See that's a red flag right there. I often wonder whether people can be 'natural victims', or whether people choose to be a victim.

I don't know any bullies since I finished the first half of high school.

You can yell blame the victim all you want, but I would rather empower someone to deal with it rather than self righteously think they are an innocent 'victim' and there are all these nasty people in their lives that are all 100% at fault.

If you have problems with bullys all your life, it's time to look inward I reckon. Either you're hyper-sensitive, you rub people up the wrong way or you're simply socially inept.

I must say I have relatives who always seem to be at war with someone and it amazes me that it never seems to occur ot them that the problem lies with them.

I actually don't believe in bullies at all. You get on with some people, you don't get on with others. There's no such thing as a nice person either, people are people. In fact most self proclaimed 'nice' people, who put being 'nice' up as some life goal are actually very nasty people, always playing passive aggressive games for social capital. They actually care much more about appearing to be 'nice', and grandstanding and looking down on others. I think a lot of nice people see life as some sort of populariy contest, and are often prone to arrogantly setting and enforcing social rules.

PS: 'Because of my looks - I found females to be worse in my case' You know that sounds really conceited don't you? With an attitude like that I'm not surprised people would look to bring you down a peg or two.

PS: 'act with great civility.' One can act with great civility and still be a bully.

Anti you and I will have seen more work place Bully's than most.
Rarely was it the boss, but gee you got it right about the victim thing.
A victim is quite often the bully, in fact it makes a fine shield to stand behind and throw stones.
I had the task of resolving issues in construction government places and a host of industry's, including my own work place,my boss was as bad a Bully as any.
He selected his victim,hid his real self but I had the pleasure of informing him .
one thousand? maybe two or three? thats how many times I tried, it was my plan to try to fix it before it became managements task.
We here, in our past and recent present have seen a Bully posing as a victim.
It is the worst one to fix, every move can be used to say you are victimizing them.
Interesting three posting here, maybe four have been targeted but the number is more than just double figures.

'A victim is quite often the bully, in fact it makes a fine shield to stand behind and throw stones.'

Amen!