Jewely, no need to get personal, I too raised kids alone, from when my daughter, the youngest, was 18mths old. I delivered both the younger two myself, by accident, and had a nephew living with us off and on over the years. Given you needed to take the softly-softly approach with the foster kids, of course you did the same with your own, it would have been madness not to,consistency is all-important to kids.
I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter, she's still young, wait for the adult, there are changes still ahead yet.
And it ALREADY IS common parenting practice, that's why we have problems There will always be exceptions, you are obviously one, but my friends and family who followed that regime now complain that the adults are not close, and are very self-centred, no empathy or sensitivity, and envy me my own young adults and the close relationship we have. These are the same people who berated me for my parenting back then, and offered the same ideas you do.
I only offer what worked for us, and why I think it did. We totally agree that love and support, and being SEEN to care and listen, is important. I gave mine a firm set of rules and boundaries, within those they were free, and they could change, remove, or amend them by coming to me to discuss them, often successfully. One thing I did that horrified many was to declare that as of 15 years, any requests for permission to go or do anything would be met by a flat refusal, but if they came and TOLD me what and where and who, they had free rein. It showed I trusted them, and made them think too. One son chased home by the police, he and his mates were swinging on street-lights, a couple of drunk episodes,and a mystery w/e or two, unexplained to this day, and they turned out fine. If we believe we have raised them well, we MUST trust them, and be SEEN to do so, or the whole exercise was pointless.

Hey Max, I thought the personal stuff was part of my charm.[smile]

Actually I wonder if it was a bit chicken and the egg stuff. Did I parent the way I did because of the fosterkids or did I do well as a foster parent because of the way I already parented?

Bit of a mix I guess. My girl was 5 when I got my first two foster children but they both had a combination of disorders I already had the no smacking policy but as the numbers of children increased I really had to build more stategies for coping well and placing firm boundaries.

The strategies further helped me parent my own.

I have forbidden both my chldren to breed [grin] but I will be interested to see, if children do enter their lives, just what they learnt from being mini parents for a long time to many other small children.

I think I'll be dissapointed if they smack but it's not usually a battle I pick to fight.

Jewely
I found that you wrote at least twice about your daughter, in this forum.
This is not good! You are a friendly person to me but I disagree with you about your relations with your daughter. I have a similar problem with one from my three children.
I do not say anything I try to help it from far, from the background, My child, your child, they will create their future with their way.
No press, no disatisfaction, leave her alone,If you can, support her, when she need your support, but do it VERY CAREFULL, if she does not know it, even better. The problem is not to prove that you love her, (this is your problem) but to help her to find her way, to find her happiness.
How many times did you tell her that she has her father's gene? How many times did you tell her that your son is your gene? I had exactly the same problem!
If you have problems with your daughter this caused by you, if I have problem with one of my children I caused it!
Let's stop blaming our children and try to find ways to support them, hoping to improve our relations with them
BUT FIRST WE MUST LEARN TO TRUST AND RESPECT THEM! OK?
We, parents, must do the first step, and the second and the... until we find the right contact with our children.
All parents have some kind of problems with their children but let's leave our children far from our quiltes!
friendly.
Antonios Symeonakis
Adelaide

Come on Antonios, I mention her at least twice in every thread.[smile] But yes you are right, I think I did cause whatever it is that makes her who she is and also the parts I don’t like.

I am wondering that maybe it was the foster kids. Jennie was born to be the baby and she never got that place in her family. In her 17 years she has had 108 younger siblings through me fostering.

She likes them, she is very good to them but does choose her favorites and spoils them rotten. But I think maybe there has always been some resentment amongst it all. She also has to say goodbye a lot and sometimes she gets really upset when it is a favourite child of hers and sometimes they are with us for a couple of years.

She is sick right now and refuses to go hospital. Instead her and her brother have gone two hours to Sydney for the night to meet friends. I am very angry this weekend and the respect is not going to be easy to find.

What is happening with your daughter?

Jewely
"What is happening with your daughter?" Nothing!
She is OK, she finished Adelaide University, married, has a son, her work here was not good enouph and returned with her family in Cyprus, where she found a good job.
Jewely TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME, DO NOT BE ANGRY WITH ME!
1. This is a family issue and I do not have the right to involve with it, if your cross is very heavy sent it to me!
2. Avoid to write family issues in public forums, this forum is not a family forum. What will happen if your daughter read about it?
3. I know that you hurt from it, You hurt very much, It is this hurt which makes you to write often about it. I wrote to you in an other thread about it, it is very late for you, accept the reality I am sure your relations with your daughter will improve.
Sorry!
Antonios Symeonakis
Adelaid

Jewely
1. When I said "if your cross is very heavy sent it to me! " I mean the CROSS of cause! Cross= the core of the problem, the most difficult part of the problem. The real meaning, I feel sorry, if I can do something to support you I will do.
2. I said one of my three children, I did say my daughter, I answered to you about my daughter.
3. I will never blame my children publicly, I am carefull in my relations with my children.
Now you are more angry with me, I understand you, Do you understand me? I try to help with a stupid way! You have right!
Antonios Symeonakis
Adelaid