Hasbeen, billythekid and dane

We are all adults and you certainly don't need me to tell you how to live your life that is for sure. But if I can add a few more comments into the mix.

Do you think it right or even healthy, to use one bad experience with a woman to basically right off an entire gender. I have seen women do this as well, it is not one-sided. Women who have been left when they had no idea there was a problem and had been a supportive and good wife, women who were abused physically or belittled by their husbands and left with lifelong scars and a negative attitude about all men as bullies and fiends.

Clearly our experiences shape the way we think, but oftentimes hurt and a sense of betrayal destroys rational thinking about the opposite sex. It is human to want to blame someone - it is much easier to blame others than look inward at ourselves. Relationship breakdown takes two parties, faults usually on both sides in all but unusual cases.

Pelican, I have never seen it happen in the way you mention, although I've heard of it, & don't doubt it cuts that way too, & probably often.

As a bit of a boring bloke myself, perhaps I've mixed manily with those blokes who were used as I mentioned.

In my younger days I noticed that the "nice" blokes went home from the pub alone, [unless some bird picked THEM up], where as the slick bloke, with far from wholesome intentions, walked out with the living doll.

Out here in the sticks there are a lot of older blokes, living mostly alone. With some, the wife spends most of their time, in town with the kids, & grandkids, only coming "home" for a night or 2 now & then. Others are struggling with large debts, after the family court awarded her half the farm, when she left to be nearer the kids.

This is particularly galling, when it is a family farm he inherited, before he met her. Some of these blokes just can't part with a farm that's been in the family for generations, & have to bust a gut, into their 70s to pay the lady out.

I don't know if it's a crisis in masculinity, or a crisis in our whole synthetic life style today. Many spend a lot of money on entertainment, trying to convince themselves that they have it made.

I could never have done that, my money was reserved for something much more useful, like a racing car, or a yacht.

Billy "telling me is I need to acknowledge and change so I don't poison my next relationship"

That's just a bit of the process. I've found things I wish I'd done better the first time round but I also settled for someone who I was not a good match for on values, temperment etc. I suspect that we both had those pictures with the blank faces on it that Hasbeen describes so well. We both seem to be doing a lot better with current partners than we did with each other.

There is some really ugly stuff happening though manipulation of scheme's put in place supposedly to help kid's, I had a look into that abyss and it can be the stuff of nightmares.

The problems won't be fixed by attacking all women or ignoring the cases where it's men who do the wrong thing. If you want those women who are not doing the wrong thing themselves to listen and support fairer outcomes for men then show fairness and support better outcomes for women who get done over by an ex who knows out to play the system.

People rarely respond well when they are under a generalised attack.

R0bert

I agree with your last post R0bert.

Overwhelmingly women leave men (proven stat...I'll find a source when i have more time and post it..). It's 5 to 1 I believe...That means, by my maths, woman are making the decision to terminate about 42% of ALL marriages.....

So tell us pelican what are men doing wrong? What is it that women are so dissapointed with? What did they expect from a long term relationship that men seemingly cannot give? They are clearly not finding the happiness they are seeking either in or out of the relationship with the father of their kids....

And how do we fix it.....

billythekid

Well, I don't know for sure, each case is different but here are some thoughts.

It may have something to do with the fact that women in unhappy relationships are now able to leave given greater participation in the workforce. Even a poor living might be preferable than remaining in an unhappy marriage particularly if there is abuse.

Men and women really want the same things - respect, love and companionship in a partnership. If those things decline and appear the unhappiness irreversible the marriage probably won't last. There must come a point of no return - so never leave things too late or unsaid.

For some men and women the reason may be simply the grass looks greener on the other side when the prospect of a new and exciting relationship presents itself. What most people don't realise is if they put that same zeal and care into the marriage it would also be worth saving in many cases but not all.

Sometimes people just marry the wrong person for all sorts of reasons.

I can only speak from experience in talking with other women. In most relationship breakdown it has been the man who has left, but in those where the women instigated the divorce it was due to their husband's infidelity or a feeling of no longer being loved or spending time together. The pressures of work these days often come into it, especially if both are working long hours and travelling away. Many men find it difficult to show their feelings so communication may be a problem.

Cont/...

Cont/...

I did a Google on divorce stats and why women leave and found this:

http://www.essortment.com/all/genderrolesoc_rivr.htm

A quote:

"Men and women have been socialized to perform certain gender specific roles. These roles have been changing at a relatively rapid pace, but the values that surround these roles have not been changing at the same rate."

That quote from the link probably explains it better than I can, much of the article seems to make sense despite the slightly dodgy side links.

How to fix it?

That is the million dollar question. It is not just about marriage any more but about human expectations and the rise of individual self interest. How we fix that is anyone's guess. Maybe make it harder to get married in the first place without some form of discussion although that sounds a bit nanny state and big brother.

I don't have an anwser. Do you have any ideas?