I was recently involved in an incident where a police officer was repeatedly stabbed. He has been released from hospital and will thankfully be okay. I do not want to elaborate on the event itself. There will undoubtedly be a court case plus I also wish to respect the privacy of the officer and his family.

I wanted to discuss was my reaction. For two days afterward I suffered quite debilitating bouts of total and absolute remorse, repeatedly thinking about what I could have done differently to have stopped the officer being injured. On an intellectual level I knew the feelings were not reasonable but emotionally they were all consuming.

People assured me that my actions were not only appropriate but over and above what was expected, perhaps even helping to prevent a worse outcome, but they made little impact. Nor did very supportive friends and family.

I have never in my life experienced anything close. It was so raw and intense and came upon me in waves every couple of hours. It took a long conversation with a relative who is currently serving as a police officer to thankfully break the back of it.

From what I can gather it is a form of survivor's guilt, often manifesting in police officers, rescue workers, and health workers when they have been involved in an incident where a person has been either badly injured or killed and it can go on for months.

Like many people I have been a little sceptical about some of the extended stress leave afforded these professions. Not any more. If I can go through what I did as a member of the public how much more impacted are those who accept the mantle to protect and serve, especially if they face multiple incidents in their career?

It has certainly shaken my sense of myself, as someone who could take things like this in their stride and who didn't have obvious emotional vulnerabilities. How much more difficult is it for those who have to return to front-line work? They deserve to take the time they need.

Thanks csteel for the insight.
Never having been in such a position it might help if someone we know does get into such a situation.

Dear csteele,

Thank You for sharing your experience with us.
I can't even begin to imagine how frightening it
must have been for you.

I often wonder about people
in our our military forces, young men and women who
are exposed to the most dreadful situations, and
are forced to deal with them, then they return home and
try to live normal lives.

Undoubtedly many do need medical help and time,
and as we know, sadly - not all recover.

Dear Bazz,

Thank you for the response.

Yes the emotional roller coaster really did catch me off guard as it was quite unexpected and so extreme. I really stumbled processing my role in the incident and the fact that another human being was badly injured. I talked it through with my wife and a psychologist friend of ours but it took a conversation with a serving officer to really get a proper perspective.

Even so I am not free from the feelings of remorse or revisiting my actions because they still have a nibble on a daily basis.

Dear Foxy,

Welcome back. That Lexi has been such a pain in your absence so I hope you intend straightening her out. ;)

What you said about our young men and women serving in war zones is of course a given. It is sobering to read that for every member of the US military who dies in action in the continuing conflicts there are 25 who take their own lives. Hopefully our own troops are cared for appropriately in this regard.

I am seeking to convey the reason this incident gutted me so much.

For most of my life I have enjoyed adrenaline sports and there have been more than a few occasions when mind, body or equipment failures have put me in real fear for my well being. Some very close shaves have pulled me up momentarily but never for long.

To a degree I felt personal fear that night but have dealt with hairy situations before. My overwhelming fear was for the well being of the officer and the fact that he was badly injured is what has hit me so badly. I felt personally responsible for not being able to do more to prevent it. This is what I personally struggled with before seeking support.

It took stepping through what had happened with someone who understood the officer's mindset that turned me around. I am not sure how I would have gone doing it solo, probably not well. Very sobering.

Dear csteele,

Thanks for the welcome back.

I'm so glad that you were able to get the right sort
of help.

I used to suffer panic attacks in the past
(haven't had one for ages) and they used to hit me
at the most inopportune times (like travelling on
public transport to work). This was as a result of
being bullied at work - by one person who chose to
single me out and made my life at work very difficult.
It resulted in my becoming addicted
to calmative tablets which took ages to get over.
But I'm now fine. Leaving that workplace also helped a
great deal. I still have flashbacks at times - when I
feel inadequate - but I can now cope with it and
control it.

I wish you All The Best.

csteele, "I was recently involved in an incident where a police officer was repeatedly stabbed"

The knife ban didn't prevent that? Strange!

Sad to say that had the police officer seen the threat in time enough to respond to the cowardly attack with the Service pistol to slow/stop the threat, s/he would have been roundly abused in the media and would still be going through the mill for injuring an offender.

While I offer sympathy for your shock, I would like to hear something about how police can get home at night to their loved ones. Police are ordinary men and women who only have shirt material between them and an attacker.