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The Forum > General Discussion > Divorce - How do you cope?

Divorce - How do you cope?

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That's about the size of it.

Well said Yabby.
Posted by Ludwig, Saturday, 11 September 2010 9:38:16 PM
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Yabby you wrote to Foxy, "if your friend really wants a friend for life who never complains, is always happy to see him, does not care if he makes a mess and leaves clothes lying around, tell him to get a dog".

I just re-read Foxy's posts and nowhere in those posts was there even the slightest hint that her friend was even remotely like that, or that his ex was like that.
Posted by Johnny30, Saturday, 11 September 2010 10:54:54 PM
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Foxy,

If his income is limited it does cut out a lot of choices.

So far there haven't been many suggestions as to what he might do with his time and how he integrates with local society and develops a group of friends, yet there must be many who have addressed that problem.

He had to move and that cut a lot of ties.

From older relatives who have lost partners, it seems that lawn bowls is a good way to integrate. It is reasonably cheap, all are equal socially, there is the odd cheap meal and he can be around people without feeling obliged to consume a dozen drinks.

Cards is another way of making contacts although more limited than the lawn bowls.

If he really wants to get back into life and feel valued he should volunteer to visit men who are finding difficulty taking care of themselves through mobility problems (arthritis, you name it). The Christian churches that are so maligned on OLO are contacts and he will be warmly received. No cost to him, just go along with someone else to make a cheery visit to someone worse off. No prayers, God or whatever, just warm human company and maybe make a pot of tea.

There is also some work for nominal rates - he can try something that stretches his legs and lets him enjoy the outdoors for instance mowing some older person's lawn. Alternatively he could use his skills and help someone with their papers, letters and so on.

There must be other cheap interests that people have tried.
Posted by Cornflower, Saturday, 11 September 2010 11:07:30 PM
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I have met some folk who turn out very bitter after a divorce. On the other hand I have met some that have become better having learnt how much sin can damage. I would personally encourage him to search out his Maker who can not only restore but also help him understand that even know people get hurt by other people in this life their is something much better in store for those who know Christ. Ultimately their is One we can trust who never lies or lets us down.
Posted by runner, Sunday, 12 September 2010 12:22:46 AM
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Focy,interesting topic. Your friend is lucky that his children are grown, necasue he will be able to move on without the millstone of the CSA dragging him down.

One of the most important things I'd suggest for him is that he must maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife. Yes, I know you're thinking "who hijacked anti's keyboard" but my single greatest regret is that I was unable to do so. Goodwill on both sides is critical.

Men's groups may be useful for him, but it depends a great deal on the particular group. Many are run by churches and have an overtly christian overlay (prayers, invitations to church functions, etc), while others are more practically oriented (woodworking, etc). What does he enjoy doing?

Maintaining old friendships, assuming he has close friends,is vital. Some men live their lives entirely within their relationship and work and simply have noone at all they can call "my" friend rather than "our" friend. My experience is that those "our" friends are mostly "her" friends and will have little to do with him other than in a token way.

I'd advise him against Suze's suggestion of medication for depression. Reactive depressions are often short-lived and can be readily helped with cognitive behavioural methods. Psychiatric medications have long lead periods and long tailing-off periods that mean they're not useful in the situation. Cipramil, a typical example, can take several weeks to start providing any benefit and stopping it can take several months of gradual dose reduction. Suze may like to ask a doctor about that.

All-in-all, he needs to grasp the nettle and start living his life for him, rather than his family. How long he takes to do that is unpredictable. I hope he manages it quickly.
Posted by Antiseptic, Sunday, 12 September 2010 6:44:39 AM
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I'd like to take this opportunity to Thank each and
everyone of you for responding to my thread with
such excellent advice. As I stated previously,
I'm making notes and will
take all of it on board, and (given the opportunity)
pass it all on to our friend.
You came up with suggestions that would not have
occurred to me and I'm very grateful. He's a very close
friend (he was best-man at our wedding), so of course
we intend to maintain our relationship with him, and
be there for him in every way that we can.

Dear Antiseptic,

I'd like to apologise to you for my previous
behaviour on the other thread. I behaved
like a spoiled kid and I'm sorry. Despite that,
you're gracious enough to come onto this thread
and offer some great advice. Thank You.
Posted by Foxy, Sunday, 12 September 2010 10:47:16 AM
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