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The Forum > General Discussion > Divorce - How do you cope?

Divorce - How do you cope?

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I'd like some advice on what to tell
a friend who's not coping very
well. He's gone through a divorce and
he's having a difficult time emotionally.
Feelings of isolation and inadequacy
are prevalent. We're concerned about him
and would appreciate any advice from
anyone's that gone through this experience.

He's had to sell the large family home on the outskirts
of Melbourne. Which was in the bush - on several acres -
that he loved. He's now quite his job and
moved to rural Victoria and bought
a small suburban "dump," (as he describes it).
His children live in Melbourne (they're married with
families of their own). He's a teacher - and he visits
his children on most week-ends.

Any thoughts
Posted by Foxy, Saturday, 11 September 2010 12:22:15 PM
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Never easy foxy, at his apparent age even harder.
Understanding life its self is not over.
Not looking back, nothing can be changed.
Watch him please but only he can be the one to bring life back in to his life
Not even close to rare thing he should join a group who have been in his current place
Posted by Belly, Saturday, 11 September 2010 1:37:11 PM
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Foxy, I was divorced 21 years ago. It didnít take me long to see it as a blessing. Iíve stayed single and free ever since. In fact, Iíve had no desire to get married again and very little desire to have a relationship.

So, for your friend who has spent half his life married, raising kids and all that, Iíd say that he should be looking forward to a freer simpler life, in which all manner of new possibilities open up.

As for downsizing from a large house on acreage to a small suburban place, again it opens up a whole lot more freedom, in terms of much less time and money being spent on maintenance and development.

I live in the rural residential outskirts of Townsville. It is great in its own way, but Iím looking forward to downsizing and living close enough to work to not have to drive every day. My next place will be a small urban house or perhaps a unit.

So, there can be a big positive aspect to downsizing.

I guess a lot of people would have a strong sense of shame about getting divorced, regardless of whether they have any regrets or not about how they might have contributed to it. But divorce is just so commonplace they shouldnít be ashamed or feel like a lesser person.

Anyway, Iím very pleased that I was divorced early in my marriage when there no kids involved rather than have it drag on frustratingly for years and then end, when there were kids caught in the middle.

Cheers.
Posted by Ludwig, Saturday, 11 September 2010 2:12:04 PM
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Foxy the thing in your friend's favour is that his children are grown up and married. That takes a big burden off his shoulders and also his ex wife's shoulders as well.

Ludwig a freer and simpler life doesn't "necessarily" equate with being unmarried.

Some people find freedom and simplicity within marriage. Foxy's friend may have been one of those people who were freed by marriage and felt at home and comfortable being closely connected with someone. We're all individuals and marriage can mean diametrically opposed things to different people, depending on one's needs, desires and experiences.

Foxy's friend is obviously of a mature age and well off enough to have his own home, even if it is a "dump". People like that can often hide the true extent of their depression, because they are able to provide for themselves all the basic necessities of life like food and shelter and transport. In other words, on the surface, it can appear that he's at least getting by. But beneath the surface, he could be close to drastic action: That's when people suicide, and their friends are left wondering what "really" happened.

Foxy, my advice is to offer emotional support, support and more support. If people feel wanted and needed then that gives them a much better chance of moving on. Simply just being there for someone can change a life.
Posted by Johnny30, Saturday, 11 September 2010 2:38:29 PM
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Foxy,
My divorce left me feeling pretty hollow inside. I was fortunate that i had three kids that needed me and it kept my mind off things somewhat.
Time is the only answer that i have, try to keep busy and before you know it a year has passed and it dosen't hurt so much anymore.
In the end i like Ludwig have found it a blessing and have absolutely no interest in ever being married again. This has cost me a relationship since my divorce but no way never again.
Posted by nairbe, Saturday, 11 September 2010 3:51:52 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your sound advice.
I hope that you won't mind, but I'm going to
pass all of your posts onto our friend, because
what you're all saying is excellent. Personally,
I also feel that he could benefit from joining
some sort of a men's group. People who've been
through what he's now going through. I feel that
talking about it would help him. Of course we're
going to be here for him - and give him all the
emotional support that he needs. It was his wife
who asked for the divorce - she wants to "find
herself," whatever that means. He loved her deeply.

But as you say, his children are grown up, and
I also agree that's a blessing.
Posted by Foxy, Saturday, 11 September 2010 4:28:24 PM
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