Foxy, I was just thinking about this very topic. I don't know how one copes because breaking up with your partner hurts, divorce hurts, and a hurting heart is about as deep as a hurt can go. But, your friend can survive something like this. He is very fortunate as Ludwig and Johnny30 pointed out, that his children have grown up. He does not have the moral dilemma about the impact divorce would have upon his children. That one is a huge moral dilemma, and one I have had to wrestle with. My children's father and I split up about 9 years ago, but continued to live in the same house because of the children who were about 6 and 9 at the time. In no way an ideal situation which I still agonise over, and which I am currently finding myself reevaluating. When it ended, I felt like a complete failure in everything, but I survived it. Your friend doesn't have to worry about the impact divorce will have on his children - more simple, less guilt ridden. Shame he had to sell his home in the bush, but living in a small place in rural suburban Victoria doesn't have to be a dump - good time to start turning it into his own little palace. It could be a great challenge. He is not working so he has the benefit of time. Life is rich with things to do, and ... women also live in rural suburban Victoria. He should get involved in the local community and meet some people, and who knows? He's a teacher, he will have lots he can share with the community. This may end up being the best thing that's ever happened to him. If he doesn't move on, it is quite likely that he will feel like a failure. When is he inviting you and a group of his friends around to dinner? You could all bring a plate and a bottle of wine. Warm up his place, and give him a reason to tidy up that little dump in the country.

Dear dotto,

Thanks for your super advice.

I was actually thinking of getting a few
of his friends together and we all go for
a drive to his home in rural Victoria.
He's only a couple of hours out of Melbourne.
Your idea about bringing a plate each (and
bottles of wine) is great. I'm also going to buy
him some fruit trees so he can start to work on
his garden - I'll ask a girlfriend
to make a few cusions for him (she loves to sew
and is talented at it) and as you said -
we'll try to inspire him to do positive things
with his time and life -
and encourage him to turn his "dump" into a
home.

Dear Foxy
With friends like you, my guess is that he's going to be fine.

Foxy, my husbands best mate has been in the same position- although his two sons are in their late teens.

We found that continuing to include him in all the social activities he was used to going to before the divorce helped him to keep a social life going. He tended to mope alone at home otherwise.

We were worried about his mental state, because his wife left him for another (very rich) man, and he had feelings of failure and guilt, as well as sorrow and anger.

I suggested he see a GP in town that specialised in mens health and psychiatry. He was tested for depression and found to be suffering from moderately severe depression.

He was started on anti-depressants, and now that it has been about 3 months down the line, he is starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. He is smiling a little more now.

So my suggestion is to include him in social activities, and get him to see a good GP for a checkup.

Foxy, if he's interested in another lady, tell him to get involved in the horse world. 90% of the horse world is ladies.

Many of these are single, as their previous men left home to get away from the horses.

If he is not interested in another lady, tell him to buy one of the make, & model of car he wanted, but didn't get, because the kids came along. He can then get involved in the classic car movement, which takes more time anyone can spare. He won't have time to feel sorry for himself, & will have a lot of fun with all us other silly old fa*ts.

Ok Foxy, here is my 5c worth of wisdom :)

I actually had a very amicable and friendly divorce. We just wanted
different things from life, something we did not think about as
childhood sweethearts. That only emerge later. So reality had to
be dealt with.

It seems to me that people have false expectations of marriage and
relationships. Marriage is a social custom. It does not imply
ownership. Each of us remain free spirits. If somebody loves you,
that is a compliment and an honour, but not a right. They are
free to change their minds.

Life is not fair. I know some very hurt people, who misjudged
their partner, who also ignore the fact, as I have argued before
on OLO, that love and relationships are based on self interest.
If we ignore that reality, we are bound to get hurt.

Those Hollywood movies have alot to answer for, an evolutionary
perspective and understanding, make far more sense of the world.

If your friend really wants a friend for life, who never complains,
is always happy to see him, does not care if he makes a mess and
leaves clothes lying around, tell him to get a dog. They make
great companions