Bea that’s a good system – except if you’re on the bottom! The web link you give is not current but one of the seems the main rules of the family constellation flow you advocate is “there is a hierarchy in terms of birth order - those born first come first - parents give and children receive”. This doesn’t sound fair to me (and I am the first born child). Who’d want to be a third child? Or an eighth child? What if I said “women are the heads of families who first and foremost love and accept their men, men love and accept their women and together, nurture themselves and then their children, in the reverse order that they are born (third, second, first, etc)”? Why can’t men and women love and accept each other and together nurture their children (without turning the family into a caste system!)?

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about… economically, it may make sense for a man having a child in a second relationship (but the first child of the woman in that relationship) to work less and look after the child of his second relationship rather than paying child support for the child of his first relationship while also having to support the woman to work less and look after the child of the second relationship… what does everyone else think?

Sorry Bea but whilst I can see some merit in what you are saying I have to agree with Pedant on this one.

Also I think that making "the man" the head of the household just because of gender has a major floor in it... he mightn't be the "best person for the job".

To say that anything other than your outline creates a level of dysfunctionality is hardly a humble opinion. All relationships are dysfunctional to a degree and promoting the man to head honcho won't always fix that. I'd rethink your "man's the boss" argument Bea.

I love "modern woman" they have so much more to offer the world than the old subserviant model you propose. I say this jokingly ... but did the head of your family give you permission to type your theory here?

Why does someone have to be the boss in any relationship... it seems we never learn!

See ladies there is a "glass ceiling" even in relationships and under Bea's model the glass is virtually unbreakable but if you do actually break it "you" make the family unstable and dysfunctional.

Apparently it's always been the woman's fault and still is.. Ha!

Nicholas

Thank you for your article. Sorry, until now I did not find it at all rivetting - until I started to read posters' responses. How interesting.

Bea

I cannot believe that you believe, what you have written. A "boss" or a "head" in a relationship? Ugh? My husband and I have an equitable and equal relationship. We make all household decisions together. We share all household decisions. We discuss all minor and major decisions. Why not? I am no better than him, and he is no better than me. We are a team.

Even so, we also make independent decisions. For example: if I go out shopping and buy some clothes for both of us, I do so without my husband's "permission". Likewise, if he goes out and buys some new carpentry tools or some new fishing rods (for us), he does not ask my permission.

We base everything on mutual respect and trust. Surely that is what healthy relationships are all about? In 10 years of marriage we have never had occasion to challenge each other's judgement.

I do the cooking and housework because I love doing it. I do the gardening because I love doing it. My husband does the carpentry and house maintenance because he loves doing it.

I ask and it gets done. He asks and it gets done. Simple really.

Cheers
Kay

Opinionated2 wrote:

"Why does someone have to be the boss in any relationship..."

A woman can easily say that, every man knows otherwise:

Quote:

Rules Of Engagement

The base of every relationship are the rules. You obey them and you stay in the zone; you break them and you are out of the zone. I know all female readers are agreeing with me and all male readers are confused. So, let's talk about The Rules.

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by The Rules, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Unquote.

Hamlet, I'm guessing that your last post is mostly in good humour and from what I know of your circumstances an element of truth. I've seen the list before and recognised most of the rules as being ones I was expected to live by. It is nice to be able to laugh about it.

On the other hand there is a similar list which I can't find a copy of at the moment which some women would recognise for similar reasons. The rules a woman has to live by when she gets a self seeking controlling partner and while generally simpler than the rules for men they are just as heartbreaking if you have to live by them.

Thanks for bringing some humor to the discussion and if anybody has a copy of the "rules for women" I'd enjoy seeing it up here as well. Both are relevant to the topic.

Cheers
R0bert

PART 1 - just for you R0bert
RULES THAT GUYS WISH THAT GIRLS KNEW

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.