Speaking of which - how would you have managed if your ex had taken off and left the children with you? What would you have done about a job and childcare - how would you have organized your time and earning?

Lastly - now tell me what you would advise your daughter to do if she said that she was being thumped about and had taken out a DVO.

What if she had children?

Benk: <"I will attempt to keep this discussion productive, by focussing on your question "what do you expect women to do?"

I would suggest that they think twice before applying for an AVO. If their man is genuinely violent,he isn't going to worry too much about a piece of paper. If he isn't genuinely violent, but she still wants to leave him, then stretching the truth... ">

Never mind the "think twice" thing - research shows that women attempt to leave an abusive situation an average of 7 times before finally making the break, if they ever make it.

Many AVOs are not initiated by the person being beaten but by the police on behalf of the person who is in danger.

As to "if a man is genuinely violent". You mean violent and nasty enough to kill regardless of the consequences to himself. Someone as mean as that is going to kill without the piece of paper too.

Fortunately, many people who are gutless enough to be violent towards someone weaker nevertheless have a sufficiently keen sense of their own self preservation to not cross the line once the law has made it clear that there are some boundaries they mustn't cross.

So now tell me - a man is shouting at someone smaller. How does that someone smaller KNOW he isn't going to follow through with a hit? What should she do?

Hi All and WOW, I did not realise the reresponse I would get. I have actually been avoiding coming back here until now as I thought it might be better to avoid the subject with my wife again.

Interesting thing, I dont know how she got this attitude but I think she might only listen to the negatives from freinds of hers that have had this happen. You know the old story, everyone remembers negatives and positive are quickly forgotten (I'm sure their is a cliche about this).

For the record I am no motto husband but 2 thing I have never been is a wife basher and prejudiced (well I dont think I'm prejudiced). Although I did accidenatally punch my wife once when we were shadow boxing (playing).

Yes my relationship like most has it ups & downs and regardless of the downs divorce is against all the principals I have been raised with and the last resort. For the record I have been married for 12 years and have a 10yo girl and 7yo boy.

There was a comment about just letting your partner win the arguement. I am pretty easy going, but sometimes if you think something just does not sound right its hard keep your yap shut.

Agree a lot of abuse can stem from maturiy issues but there is one all important factor and that is alcohol. I have not done the research but listening to news headlines is enough for me to realise alcohol is a major player, but then again I suppose if you are mature enough you should know how to handle your alcohol and know when to stop drinking.

And although many will argue the stats provided (despite being official) it certainly shows my wifes figures were exagerated. Now I just have to be able to bite my tongue if the subject comes up again. Perhaps going straight to the lounge with some noise drowning headphones will give me the will power to not have an input into the subject.

Thanks again All
Henry

Henyak

by "For the record I am no motto husband but 2 thing I have never been is a wife basher" I haven't hit my wife either. On the other hand, she has never hit me, but most of the blokes who hit their wifes have also been hit. Lets not join the smug and ignorant.

Pynchme

"So now tell me - a man is shouting at someone smaller. How does that someone smaller KNOW he isn't going to follow through with a hit?" She doesn't, but that shouldn't imply that she should take out an AVO. Do you take an AVO out on everyone who ever yells at you? What about everyone who is bigger than you?

No wonder I cannot write a post without the word paternalistic, when people like you seem to think that women need protection from even being yelled at.

The sociological research of the past two
decades has revealed an astonishing amount
of family violence - between spouses,
between parents and offspring, and among
the offspring themselves.

The police detest "disturbance calls," -
usually family fights - because of the
vicious and dangerous nature of so many of
these conflicts. Surveys suggest that each
year large numbers of couples go through a
violent episode in which one spouse tries to
cause the other serious pain or injury.

Wives assault their husbands as often as husbands
assault their wives, and spouses are equally likely
to kill each other. Although wives are rarely a
match for their husbands in a fistfight, they are
more likely to use lethal weapons (notably kitchen
knives).

Each year, too, child abuse - involving such acts
as burning children with cigarettes, locking them up
in closets, tying them up for hours or days, or
breaking their bones - is alarmingly common, and
probably causes many runaways that happen each year.
And the sexual abuse of children is now recognized
as a national epidemic - is rarely a matter of
molestation by a stranger. It's usually perpetrated
by one family member on another.

One source of this violence may lie in the dynamics of
the family as an intimate environment. Close
relationships are likely to involve more conflict than
less intimate ones, since there are more occasions for
tensions to arise and more likelihood that deep
emotions will be provoked.

Another source for violence may lie outside the family,
violence is frequently a response for frustration.
Lack of a job, an employer, aggression can get re-directed
at family members.

In any event, I don't think that the extent of violence
in groups whose members are supposed to love and care
for one another is easily explained. It merely suggests that
the modern family may sometimes be under greater pressure
than it can easily bear.

Henyak you and your Missus could both be correct - depending on what sort of violence you have in mind:

Sheehan and Smyth (2000) found that the broader the definition of violence, the higher was its reported incidence and the less was the gender differentiation. Thus, when spousal violence was
defined as all actions that would be considered as an offence under criminal law, 55% of the men (n = 152) and 65% of the women (n = 244) reported its existence.

When violence was defined as “actual or threatened conduct that would cause fear about wellbeing or safety”, the percentages decreased to 24% for men and 53% for women.69

With respect to reports of injury that required medical treatment, the relevant percentages reduced further to 3% and 14%.

A significant finding in this study was that: despite the extent of the financial difficulties experienced, and their ongoing responsibility for the care of children, women who report spousal violence are more likely than women who report no spousal violence to have received a minority of the share of property. (p. 118)

Further, the more severe the reported violence, the greater was the likelihood that a minority of both the domestic assets and the total marital assets would be awarded to the female partner and the greater was the likelihood that the female partner would be in difficult financial circumstances following separation. In addition, the more severe the violence, the less likely it was that the female victims would be participating in the workforce at the time the interview
was conducted.

(p. 35)

http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/resreport15/report15pdf/aifsreport15.pdf

Benk: I would say that paternalism is telling people what they should feel and how they should act. In these cases; it's up to the other person on the end of that yelling etc to decide how they feel. Since fewer AVOs are taken out than could be (30% maybe) I doubt that spurious AVOs are frequent.

Also, if you want to narrow the criteria for DV that is ok except that it will make violence towards men almost invisible again.