I agree there's a qualitative difference between domestic violence and random violence.

Domestic violence, no matter which gender initiates it, means being harmed by someone with whom you live in a uniquely vulnerable and supposedly trusting environment.

How people as individuals experience this violence and recover from it is different from how someone would experience and recover from a random act of violence. Domestic violence flows from very particular motives — control, jealousy, insecurity.

How we as a society attack these two situations will also be different. CCTV, an increased police presence and restrictions on licensing laws can often decrease violent areas in cities. Clearly, this wouldn't work in the home.

To admit that these two types of violence have different characteristics is not to say one is more worthy of attention than another — it simply acknowledges the differences which in turn helps inform those trying to prevent it how best to do that. In fact, the more nuanced we can be about profiling people who are violent and their victims, the further we can go in helping them.

R0bert,

'Violent men do need help but a service which so clearly has it's emphasis on male violence is a very risky proposition for a male victim already struggling with the idea that it's always his fault. '

I hear you loud and clear, and such will always be the case.

I give up realy. There is no hope on OLO of ever debating a topic sensibly. When I see quotes like this 'but after poring over literally hundreds of posts from Antiseptics, U.S's. etc posting history', I see that people don't want to argue the issue at hand, they want to score points.

Innacurate and deliberatly misrepresented arguments from my past postings have made anything I have to say null and void. So I wont post anymore. I am pre-judged as one of the 'Usual Suspects'.

The constant ambiguous and cowardly use of 'some male posters...(insert any insult such as have an alterior motive to cover up violence against women) from people on here just depresses me. It is impossible to argue against someones pre-judged opinion of your character, strenuously researched by someone hell bent on reinforcing their own preconceptions of you, then twisted around and mixed up with every other Tom, Dick and Harry to create a nameless 'other', which you are included in, and which somehow makes any thing you say not worth replying to, but still worthy of a snipe

When you get people saying things such as...
'If I'd thought I could stop what was happening with a knock-out punch of course I would have done it. '
It just shows some women will never comprehend that the MAJORITY of men would not and could not do this. These very same men then have to listen to adverts that imply there is an 'insidious epidemic' of violent men, and we are watching you all. You men are violent by nature, and if you protest, like on this forum, you must have something to hide.

Go through the hell of seeing your partner attack you with every part of their soul, and then hear that if you so much as raise your voice back, now THAT's domestic violence, you are just as bad as the lowest scum of society.

Try to walk away, when your partner is threatening suicide, or stay, and get the stitches in your forearms and risk having your face slashed. But know, that if you happened to push her away from you or grab her arms to stop her hitting you, you are 'one of those' men, that you have tried so hard not to be. The protective instinct that keeps you trying to fix her, that makes you fall for the tears of regret in the morning and think things will get better chance after chance, to protect the reputation of someone you love all turned against you.

I am now sure I am an abuser. I am now sure I am covering up domestic violence by men by fighting against this betrayal of me that doesn't fit my reality.

Usual Suspect I hope that you don't quit. It is frustrating at times, I'm really finding that nasty claim that we are trying to silence female victims irritating but I think that there is benefit in this. Some do listen, some do care and some are willing to look further than the mantra's. Consider Fractelle's hurt on this issue yet she is willing to talk and try and reach understanding.

I've spent a bit more time on the Dvconnect website and it really leaves me with the impression that a male victim of female family violence is unlikely to get a believing ear (if the counsellors views coincide with the views on the website.

They seem to be totally immersed in the male violence, female victimhood philosophy. I suspect that the mention of male victims is to do with their support for gays and trans gender people.

"It requires professional workers who not only understand domestic and family violence but who are able to make appropriate crisis assessments often at a critical time in a woman and her children’s lives."

Maybe the counsellors do better than the website, that's hard to tell from outside.

I didn't much like their Understanding Family Violence section but with a minor rewording it's great

- Family Violence is largely about the misuse of power and control in the context of dominance within a family. All forms of violence are unacceptable and must be challenged at all times.
- Adults are responsible for their use of violence.
- Adults can change and challenge other adults to work for change.

R0bert

Usual Suspect, your story sounds horrendous. Robert also has had some terrible experiences.

Both of you have had to deal with terrible emotional and psychological abuse. I cannot think of a single poster who has ever denied or inferred that men cannot be victims of this kind of abuse, or indeed physical abuse.

I know one man very well who has had a number of years of horrible emotional and psychological abuse. This was 18 years ago. He remained for as long as he could because there were children involved. When he finally tried to leave she prevented him by barricading the doorways and threatening him. He hit her. The police came, he was taken away and an order was placed against him.

At court though, because he had sought counselling previously, admitted that he did hit her, but he was trying to leave, his lawyer suggested self-defence (even though he is 185cm and she 158cm)the judgement took this in account and there was no further action him. In fact he eventually ended up having sole custody of his son.

So, the claims that the whole system is geared towards-woman blameless victim-man violent perpetrator, might make for emotive posting, but is not what actually happens in the real world.

As Pynchme suggests, and others have also suggested, it is of paramount importance for men to tell their own stories so the pecularities of male victims in DV are dealt with.

Though, women also experience emotional and psychological abuse the experiences are not experienced the same way by men. That is simply because of the nature of many male-female relationships and often also size and/or ability or opportunity to carry out threats.

Some campaigns are necessarily genderised, simply because serious consequences are suffered mainly by a particular gender. Like with the 'Safe home' campaign in regard to Workplace Health and Safety. It is aimed at men, because it is men who are predominantly victims of death. This does not mean that no woman has ever died, but men are more likely to be in situations that are physically dangerous.

Robert
Ten years ago, when I started taking the issue of young male suicide out into the community no-one wanted to listen. In fact in some schools I was specifically banned from talking about it. So I changed the topic to "Adolescent Mental Health" and then went on to talk about YMS anyway. Figured, once I had the mike in my hand they couldn't stop me. It worked. The gratifying thing is that suicide rates in this category have dropped; the subject is now acknowledged; and many worthwhile campaigns in place.

Like Anansi, I have never been associated with any organisation which does not recognise female violence and have worked with victims and seen first hand female violence towards their partner (and sometimes to parents etc. as well)- even having to go in and try to defuse the situation as part of an initiative in my part of the country. I wholeheartedly agree with the suggestion that you organise, and get your stories told. Rather than preaching to the converted, as it were, here, - target the general populace. I would start with those whom you feel belittled your experiences and submit a document detailing your treatment not just to them, but to your Member of Parliament etc.

I also found that Service Clubs such as Lions, Rotary etc.are very receptive as they are always looking for areas in which they can help. For an entire year once I WAS the face of mental illness for one of the clubs...which my kids found a doubtful honour!

You once said you would never stop highlighting this situation - just as I will never stop highlighting women's position. But if there is a two pronged attack - and a lot more co-operation - perhaps, working from both angles, we can all work together lessening domestic violence in all its manifestations.