Hi all.

I just thought we might be able to lighten the forum up with a bit of humour if thats ok with everybody.

Please do not use this thread to be unkind or nasty because we are looking for really funny stories from posters.

Funny however is good. Dry Humour I love. Well intended funny clean jokes all exceptable.

If you have something that stuck in you mind as amusing then we would love to share it if thats ok with you.

Most people know us through our work to improve the lives of animals.

That can be sad work sometimes so I really enjoy OLO.

It gives us a real break to just discuss something else for ten minutes and shows us how many others are out there doing their little bit for the community and what they believe in

OLO has done that so we should thank Graham Young .

There is often something to smile about or laugh about just around the corner on the next post.

Thank You OLO and thanks to all those people out there with a sense of humour over the last few years that have made our job just a tad easier to bare.

So Ok guys- Whos got a funny story. It doesnt have to be only on the forum. It can be something that happend with a neighbour for example.

BTW Happy New Year to all OLO Posters

So Lets have a laugh=

Joke

Smart Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a union official.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog "T-Square, Do Your Stuff!". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that T-Square was very smart indeed. However the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Sliderule, Do Your Stuff!" , Sliderule went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that this was very good. The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, Do Your Stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a single drop.

Once again everyone agreed that this was very good and Measure was in fact a very smart dog. Then the three men turned to the Union Official and asked what his dog could do.

The Union Official called to his dog, "Tea Break, Do Your Stuff!". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooded on the paper, barked at the others dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home on sick leave!.

Consultants

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
To Be Continued

Continued

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business
" ... Now give me back my bloody dog."

Away for a week Enjoy

"Hair Removal"....This is funny and I don`t have a clue who wrote it, but ...what a hoot!
All Hair removal methods have tricked women with the promises of easy and painless hair removal....the Epilady, Nair, scissors, razors and now...the wax! ...Read on....

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix Dinner, play with the kids!....I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my ears for the next few hours,..."maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medecine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my little excercise in insanity,...the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a lump of hot wax,you jusr rub the strips together in your hands, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them on to your leg (or whatever place) and just pull the hair right off!

No mess, no fuss! How hard can it be?...I mean I`m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this one out? (Ya think?)
So I pull one of the thin strips out, (it`s two strips facing each other, stuck together) Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees, ("cold wax",...yeah right!)...I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull!....(It works!)
OK, so it wasn`t the best feeling, but it wasn`t too bad!...I can DO this!...Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am "She-rah", fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip I move North. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet bowl.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek,...(it was a long strip!)...I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRIIIPPPPP!.....I BLIND!....blinded by pain!...(Oh My God!)
(continued)

"Hair Removal" continued:
Vision returning, I notice that I`ve only managed to pull off half of the strip!...CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPPP!....everything is spotted and spinning! ....I think I may pass out!....must stay conscious! Do I hear crashing drums?...Breathe, breathe ...OK, back to normal!
I need to see my trophy,...a wax covered strip!...the one that has caused me so much pain,....with my hairy pelt sticking to it? I want to revel in the glory that is my trfiumph over body hair?...I hold up the strip,...there is NO hair on it!...Where is the hair?....Where is the WAX?
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet bowl!...I see the hair,...the hair that should now be on the strip!...it`s NOT! I touch....I am touching WAX!
I run my fingers over the most sensative part of my body,..which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair! I then make the next BIG mistake!...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet bowl?...I know I need to do something,...so I put my foot down!
Sealed SHUT!...My butt is sealed shut!....I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself "Please don`t let me get the urge to poop!...my head may pop off!"...What can I do to melt the wax?...Hot water!..Hot water melts wax?
I run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub,...get in,....immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can then gently wipe it off,...right?......WRONG!....I get in the tub,...the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or to sterilize surgical instruments!.....I SIT?

Now the only thing worse that having your nether regions glued together,....is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub,...in scalding hot water!...( which by the way does NOT melt cold wax!
So now I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!...(God Bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to get a phone installed in the bathroom!)
(continued)

I was amused by this

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article3174770.ece

Sylvia.

(Hair Removal) continued:
I call my friend, thinking that surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone? It is a very good conversation starter:..."My Butt and Hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the bathtub!" ...there is a slight pause,...she doesn`t know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me!....She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,..."Are we talking cheeks, hole or Hoo-ha?" ....She`s laughing out loud by now!...I can hear her, I give her the rundown and she suggests that I call the phone number on the side of the box!
Yeah!...Right!...I should be the joke of someone else`s night?...While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape off the wax with a razor!...Nothing feels better than having your "girlie goodies" covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the bottom of the tub in super-heated water and then dry-shaving the sticky mess off!
By now the brain has ceased to function, ...dignity has taken a major hike and I`m pretty sure that I`m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress councelling for this event! ...My friend is still talking to me when I finally see my saving grace!....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax!....What do I really have to lose at this point?...I rub some on and.....OH MY GOD!...the scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend on the phone!....It is Sooooo painful,...but I really don`t care!...IT WORKS!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up!....I succesfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair,.....the HAIR IS STILL THERE!....ALL OF IT!....so I recklessly shave it off!....after all I am completely numb by now,...nothing hurts!....I could have amputated my own leg at this point!

NEXT WEEK I am going to try hair colouring.........

Saint Peter greets three women at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Paradise, ladies. I'm sure you'll have a
lovely time, but we do have some rules to make your
eternal stay more pleasant. We're a little overrun
with ducks at the moment and it's very important you
don't stand on any of them. You can do anything else,
just don't stand on a duck!"

It got to day two and the first woman accidentally
stood on a duck. Suddenly she found herself handcuffed to
the ugliest, smelliest, most revolting man she could
possibly imagine. She would be chained to this hideous,
creature for eternity.

The other two women decided to take more care. But, one
night, as they were stumbling back from the Paradise Bar
with a few drinks under their belts, the second woman
stumbled and oh,oh - she stood on a duck.
Immediately the same thing happened. She found herself
handcuffed to the most grotesque man, forever.

After that, the third woman commenced a daily chant:
"Must not stand on a duck, must not stand on a duck."
For two years she chanted this mantra. And it managed to
keep her feet feather-free.

But, one day she suddenly found herself handcuffed to a
really divine looking man. An Adonis. Completely gorgeous
creature. "I don't understand," she said bewildered.
"What have I done?"
"I don't know," the man replied, equally confused.
"All I know is that I stood on a duck!"

Cuphandle, I loved the anecdote you posted. It reminded me of a similar experience - though not quite as extreme.

A couple of years ago my then partner and I also invested in a cold wax removal kit which I inexpertly applied to his butt crack. With the same results as the unfortunate person in your story. We, however, had the brilliant idea that the hot sun might do the melting trick

Scouting out a deserted beach we spread our towels and he lay with his butt as a waxy and somewhat inelegant offering to the sun-god. However, he woke suddenly from a doze to find a creepy-crawly on his towel, gave a yelp...and rolled off the towel onto his back.

When he stood up his butt crack resembled one of those sea creatures that disguise themselves with bits of shells and the detritus of the deep! Solidly super-glued in there and protruding a few inches were twigs, leaves, bits of shell, coral and dried seaweed, and a mummified soldier crabs carapace - all cemented in by a layer of sand and clinging to the waxy tangles that the sun had not melted.

Unlike the girl's friend in the story I'm afraid I was not so tactful and my howls of laughter can be repeated any day when I bring that grisly image to mind.

Cuphandle and Romany; you've had me crying with laughter!!

Thanks for a damn good belly laugh!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD REVISITED

We're all familiar with the story of Little Red Riding Hood and her narrow escape from the wolf that had eaten her grandmother, and of the heroic actions of the woodsman who saved her from death by killing the wolf with his axe. Now, however, you need to know the 'rest of the story.'

The local trial was brief; the jury only deliberated an hour before finding that the woodsman's act was justifiable homicide. However, a series of watchdog groups pointed out that this was an obvious case of racial discrimination, as there were no wolves on the jury; furthermore, the entire jury was, in fact, made up of not only humans just like the defendant, but by denizens of the woods, an area with a history of racial discrimination against wolves. The Justice Department ordered a new trial, charging the woodsman with violating the wolf's civil rights.

When the prosecution pointed out that the wolf's killing and eating of grandma indicated his definite tendency towards violence, the defense council countered that the wolf was raised in a violent, dysfunctional family where such actions were commonplace, thus it was in his nature to do such things. Further, the prosecution insisted that the wolf had not intended to kill grandma; he was only hungry and had entered to home in search of food. He only wanted to share the wealth, which was certainly reasonable, and upon seeing grandma, also may have attempted to have sex with her, but grandma, with a history or racism against wolves, resisted and would no doubt have killed him if she could have managed it, so the wolf had been forced to act in self-defense. The subsequent eating of grandma, it was insisted, only indicated the desperate hunger and poverty of the disadvantaged wolf.

As the Federal trial continued, some new issues became clear: (to be cont)

(cont)

1. The wolf was an endangered species, thus a minority

2. He was not actually trying to eat Little Red Riding Hood, only to get the food in her basket, and to have sexual intercourse with her. As the poor wolf only wanted to eat and make love, not war, the woodsman's acts were an over-reaction, doubtless brought on by his racist attitudes (Witnesses testified that, in the past, he had made disparaging remarks concerning wolves, and had even advocated violence against them. Further, he belonged to the Woodcutters' League, a group designated by the Society for the Protection of Lupine Creatures (SPLC) and Animal Defense League as human supremacist.).

3. When the wolf was killed, he was dressed in grandma's nightgown, indicating that his trans-sexual nature might have factored into his slaying, as the woodsman was also known to be homophobic.

4. The axe used in the homicide was a modified double-edged model, designated by the BATF as an assault axe, the axe of choice for terrorists and drug dealers, indicating a strong tendency for violence and inherent criminality on the part of the woodsman. Further, it came out in the testimony that the woodsman had used anti-wolf slurs during the attack, and had made no warning swings prior to striking the unfortunate wolf over a dozen times.

Following the six-month trial, the jury of nine wolves, one fox, and two humans (The two humans were selected from a suburban area, to ensure that they had no inherent prejudice against wolves, as none lived nearby.) found the woodsman guilty of violating the wolf's civil rights, and Judge Wile E. Coyote sentenced him to ten years.

The SPLC sued the Woodcutters League and the Acme Axe Company. The Acme Axe settled out of court for an undisclosed amount, while the Woodcutters' League went bankrupt, and all its remaing assets (after the SPLC's fee) were turned over to the wolf's family, who used their back account to buy a large supply of crack cocaine, and went into business selling it out of the former WL headquarters. (to be cont)

(cont)

The woodsman's property was seized by the Federal Government under the RICO statues and turned into low-income housing for wolves, and grandma's house was made into a museum and a shrine to the poor wolf who had died there. The dedication was given by no less than Little Red Riding Hood herself, who said that, even though she was frightened by the wolf at the time, it was only because she didn't understand him, due to her racist upbringing. Now that she knows the disadvantages and discrimination that he had to suffer for all of his too-short life, she believes that they could have become good friends, if only the racist woodsman hadn't overreacted in his blind hatred.

There wasn't a dry eye in the forest.

I got a letter from my gran yesterday, she writes...

The other day, I visited a local Christian bookshop and spotted a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker for the car. So I bought the sticker and put it on the rear bumper of my car.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought. I didn't notice the light had changed to green. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus too, because if he hadn't honked, I would never have noticed the light change.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the fellow behind me started honking like crazy, then he leaned out of the window and screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!
GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

I saw a man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger pointing up to the heavens. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said it was an old native good luck sign he'd read about. Well, I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Even he was enjoying the religious experience.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and started to walk towards me. Just then, I noticed the light had changed to green for the second time, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that mine was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed to red again. I felt rather sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them the native good luck sign with my middle finger one last time as we drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.
Love,
Gran.

Paddy goes into a bar in Belfast and orders a Guinness. He places a parcel on the counter.

The barman anxiously asks "Whit's in the paircel?"

Paddy says, "Ma lunch."

The barman puts his ear to the parcel, "It's tickin'"

To which Paddy replies, "Nah, it's toorkey."

A woman in a coma for weeks gets a sponge bath, and while the nurse is passing the sponge over the patients nether regions the machinery suddenly lights up.

Excitedly the nurse tells the Doc who immediately rings the patients hubby. On his arrival the doc suggests that the hubby might..ahem.. partake in oral sex with his wife because, maybe, it might bring her out of coma.

A few minutes later the nurse and doc hear a continuous beeeep coming from the room and rush in to find all machinery flatlining- no heartbeat, no respiration. 'what happened, they demand'?

"don't know" said the husband " she may have choked..."

Sylvia
Your right. That is funny. Hey guys some of the are hilarous.
Its good to be home.
Keep them coming because we are laughing our heads off at most.
Good work guys!

Years ago, when the old Russell Street Theatre in Melbourne was being renovated Management decided to keep the theatre open during the renovation process. This presented the audience with the problem of having access to one toilet only, which was shared by everybody.

One very busy Saturday evening, just as the play was about to start, a man found himself in dire need of the use of the toilet facility.
He told his wife, "Look I'm really busting, I've got to find a toilet, it shouldn't take long, I'll be back in a sec." And with that he left his wife sitting in the theatre as he dashed outside and asked the first usher to direct him to the nearest toilet.
"There's only one really. You shouldn't have a problem finding it.
Just follow this corridor, it's at the end, first door on your right."

The man ran down the corridor and opened the first door on the right only to find that he'd walked into a dimly lit room where a couple were kissing passionately on a sofa. "Oooops, excuse me!" said the man and ran back to the usher. "Tell me again where the damn toilet is?" he yelled at the usher. "At the end of this corridor Sir, first door on the right!" replied the usher impatiently.

Well, to make a long story short, the fellow ran backwards and forwards several times, always ending back at the same room with the couple.

Finally he was desperate and decided 'What the heck' they're not taking any notice of me anyway, so he relieved himself in the huge vase behind their sofa.

He finally got back into the theatre to his wife and told her,
"Boy did I have trouble finding the place!"
To which she replied, "Yes, dear I know. You appeared on the stage six times!"