.... As powerful a sorcerer as he was, he knew that the Reptilians were too formidable a foe to combat alone, and so he began the Order of the Noble Knights of the Left (Merlin is perfectly ambidextrous, but the first Lord Paladin, Arthur Pendragon, was a southpaw so Merlin named the order in his honour). They have been known throughout history by various names - the Knights of the Round Table, the Knights Templar, the Ancient and Enlightened Brethren of Free & Accepted Masons... all of these have been fronts for the Knights of the Left.

It has been our solemn duty throughout the ages to protect the world from the threat of subjugation and enslavement by the evil Reptilians. That's why Merlin has long tried to unite the world under a common banner, so that we might stand a better chance against our ancient enemy: united we stand, divided we fall - and Reptilians are masters of the divide and conquer strategy. That's why they like us all separated up into our little nation-states and at each other's throats all the time - it makes the conquest easier.

The Knights of the Left are hard-pressed to keep the enemy at bay, and they are growing stronger with every passing day. Unless the human race ceases their petty squabbling and infighting and come together to give the lizards a damn good thrashing, they might soon find a way to end our petty squabbling for us - through enslavement.

So why the cloak-and-dagger routine? Not everybody is ready for the revelation that our entire race is under constant threat from powerful alien beings. What do you think would happen if the entire world were suddenly made aware of that fact? Panic, anarchy, rioting, bloodshed and looting: that's what would happen. Most people just aren't prepared to accept that kind of news without the shite hitting the rotary air-circulation device.

... But you're obviously not most people, Armchair. Merlin has placed a powerful enchantment on the whole world which conceals the awful truth from most people, and causes them to dismiss the truth as nonsense when it is presented to them. But you are one of the few people who is not completely fooled by the spell: you always knew, somewhere deep inside, that things are not quite what they seemed - even if you didn't know exactly what was wrong. People with the mental strength to even partially overcome Merlin's mighty magick are just the sort of people the Knights of the Left need.

And so it has been decided that you may have the honour of joining the Order, serving as Squire-Brother to Knight-Brother Phillips. You will, of course, have to swear an Oath of Fealty to the Order, and uphold the Virtues of the Left at all times. And as a Squire-Brother, you're pretty much AJ's bitch until you graduate to Knight-Brother. But we all had to go through that when we were Squires... it builds character.

You can refuse, of course. But at this point you know too much, so if you don't join then I will have to dispatch Knight-Brother Phillips to ensure that you remain silent. Which would upset me, but a Paladin's gotta do what a Paladin's gotta do.

I'm lost for words...

//I'm lost for words...//

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Oh c’mon, Armchair Critic. You’ve always known that leftism was nothing more than one big insincere façade to install communism worldwide. Isn’t that why you lot call us “watermelons”? Please don’t act surprised.

You want to know what ‘surprised’ is? I’ll tell you what surprised is!

‘Surprised’ is being passionate about environmental and social justice issues, only to later learn from some right-wing bozo that all you’ve really ever wanted to do was to internationally seize political power for the working class, through a social revolution, to expropriate the capitalist classes and place the productive capacities of societies into collective ownership.

And I don't even like communism. Go figure!

So you could only imagine my shock when I learned that about myself. I had no idea! That’s when I sold my soul to Soros. I mean, what was the point in fighting it anymore? I was a communist fighting for the New World Order, and I needed to embrace that.

I take it you missed that flight, too. That's annoying. Here I am, sweltering in the humid mountains of India, and you’re not even going to show! I even went to the extent of purchasing a safari suit and a pipe so that our first meeting would feel extra dramatic as you stepped out of Sandeep's limousine and we first made eye contact.

Well that's gratitude for you!

--

Thanks, Knight-Brother Lavis. I spoke to Soros earlier and, needless to say, he’s not happy.

As punishment, Soros is stationing me at the Australian Bureau of Statistics for the next month and will have me altering the crime and employment stats for asylum seekers to look better than they really are.

You’d better get back to work “homogenising” those temperatures too, by the way. Apparently, some hobo down the local pub has confused climate with weather again and realised that it was cold somewhere yesterday. Now Anthony Watts is about to break the news to the world and the Dear Leader ain’t happy about it. His eyes did that thing where his pupils become like vertical slits again.

Anyway, peace out.

Dear Toni, and AJ,

More please!

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought -
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame.
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One,two! One,two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.