Some of the comments comming out of Davids smacking thread have lead me to think that a discussion on the contents of a parents discipline toolkit could be useful for all parents of children (vs parents of adults).

The tool kit has a number of sections
- The tools to reinforce behaviours we want to encourage - rewards/encouragement
- The tools we use to discourage behaviours we think are harmful or innapropriate
- Crisis management tools - punishment/consequences - a child is having a tantrum somewhere where I can't just let them go for it.
- The list of things to leave alone. The bits that are just part of being a child and which a wise parent enjoys as part of childhood.

To start the ball rolling
RE (rewards/encouragement) - A star chart with special activities resulting from a build up of stars
- Hugs and words of encouragement and pride in behaviour
- Special time with the child, a bike ride in an area they love etc
DB (discourage behaviour) - handwriting practice and other school work type activities
- journalling (try and encourge reflection and think about better strategies)
- tech ban. Computer games, PS, Xbox etc off limits for a while. Can also include favourite DVD's etc.
- Simplified meals - focus on nutrition more than flavor. Treats disappear for a while.
CM (crisis management) - time out
- smack ? Some like it some don't
- restraint - there are safe ways to restrain a child.
- ignore ?
DB (Don't bother) - Music playing with no skill (except when the noise is disturbing others unreasonably)
- Moderately messy room (occasional cleanups needed)

Some of the tools will be useful at certain ages and inappropriate at other ages. My son is 9 so the contents of the toolbox are mostly ones I keep around.

Over to others to expand on the list or raise objectsions to bits that they don't like. To avoid getting bogged down in one issue can we keep the debate on smacks to David's thread please.

R0bert

Great idea, RObert. I reckon the specifics might apply to different age groups, but the general principles probably have applicability across different ages and stages. Look forward to following this thread.

Hello robert , your list is a daunting one , pretty close to exausting
the subject but not much use as to " what to do ....now " type of
situation .
Being in the perfect situation of having been a child and having had to
raise one , it is pretty obvious than one could abord the problem
from the point of view of the parent~situation side .
So here it goes , assuming this is for the parents~carer

-1 Are you in a good mood or in an homicidial desperate streak
if either ...one's reaction are suspect

-2 what is the need for immediate reaction , as a rule children have
no " wrongdoing memory " and a good smack on the spot would be
accepted as fair enought , while a punisment delayed too long
would be seen as " grossly unfair "

-3 proportionnality , the punisments should have roughly a three
levels graduation from here and now , end of the story , to weeks
long deprivation of a cherished activity

-4 smacking a child work only when they are little and decease in
value with age , increasing the violence of the punisment is a
hopeless endeavour bringing diminishing returns

-5 never lecture a child it's a waste of time !

-6 never humiliate or shame a child ,it is totaly destructive
never threaten to withdraw love ,it is evil

-7 boys and girls are differents ,

-8 punishment are reassuring to a child , it give them a sense of
order , children are so straights !

-9 never apologise for punishing them , it mix the signals , a bit
of arbitrary injustice give them a fine sense of society values

-10 love them all the time for their trespasses as much as for their
qualities , and give more cuddles than punisments .
.
.
.

snout thanks, I suspect that not only age but also temperment and as Randwick points out gender will play a part in the relevant tools for the toolkit. Every child is different and we need to stock the toolkit with things that work with the child (and for us).

Randwick that is a great list and an important way of looking at it. We need a good set of tools (I hope that others are able to suggest either alternate tools or variations on them) and some idea on how and when to use them.

R0bert

R0bert,

I appreciate what you are trying to achieve.

I like the idea of a tool-kit from which you can select what you want. However, some parents don't seem to be aware when a smack is inappropriate, if ever.

Also as has been stated maturity means using different tactics, also different kids mature at different rates.

Are there hard and fast rules?

Support, openness, flexibility, unconditional love, firm guidelines (but nothing should be set in concrete - maybe an excursion into a park late at night was to rescue a baby bird - I used to go out and catch insects in the early morning hours - best time).

Just always being there for your child is the most important.

My niece and nephew are easy going by natural inclination - other kids require more intensive interaction. So guess I haven't had to deal with really difficult kids.

Anyway, all this is off the top of my head. Am time poor and brain not working.

Cheers

Another key item that should be in the toolbox is support between significant adults (parents, teachers etc).

We may not always agree with the others initiatives but undermining their efforts at discipline (positive or negative) can be much more destructive than in innapropriate discipline - I'm not talking about abuse here.

Back the teachers, back the other parent. Let your kids know you are looking out for them but don't teach them that you will support them in wrong doing.

As with everything else it needs common sense and thought.

R0bert