Important point, ROb.

I'm not a parent. I work with young men in juvenile justice. I know these aren’t finely honed tools, but here are the principles of what I’ve learned over the last few years:

1. Don’t worry too much about whether a kid likes you. The important thing is whether he/she can trust you. Kids can always find someone to like. Some kids are so damaged by abuse that trust takes a long, long, time to develop. Say “no” when you know this is the right thing to say. In the meantime you can feel content if you know that you have behaved in a trust-worthy manner. Every bit helps.

2. Never humiliate or belittle a kid. Always treat them respect, even – no, especially - when you’re laying down the law. At the same time, don’t overprotect them from feeling healthy shame. This is a tricky distinction.

3. When things are getting tense, don’t raise your voice - do the opposite: the quieter, slower and more carefully you speak, the more it focuses their attention on what you’re saying. Don’t be afraid of the pregnant silence. This only works if you can get and hold their attention in the first place, but try it – you’ll be amazed.

4. Be very clear about your own boundaries. It is part of the job description of an adolescent (or a toddler) to test them. Kids learn their own boundaries by bumping them up against other people’s. When you provide a firm, predictable “counter-boundary” the result is sometimes a tantrum in the short term, but a more secure, confident person in the long term. Focus on the long term.

5. Mimicry is a fundamental mode of learning for all higher animals, especially humans. If your own behavior reflects what you’re trying to teach, you’re halfway there.

I’ve learned this stuff by experience dealing with drug addicted and drug seeking kids as a medical doctor. I have a lot of respect for parents who have to wing it without the support I’ve had

P.S.

6. Have fun.

7. Play.

8. Joke.

9. Enjoy and marvel at the emerging human spirit you have the privilege to share with.

Snout, great stuff. Item 1 on your list has been a struggle for me in dealing with family law issues, ongoing involvement in your kids life can be influenced by that single factor.

Thankfully I've managed to stay involved all the way through but playing favourites has been used as a weapon against me at times. Generally my son and I have a very good relationship but there are times when he fails to see the value in boundaries and consequences.

Your insights as someone dealing with kids who've come out of the growing up part of life with significant issues are valuable to those of us in the middle of the process.

There is an aspect of winging it involved but I'm also feeling that parents have a lot of resources available to them. My sons new school has a responsible thinking classroom(public, the private school he used to go to did not have that), state schools also have guidance officer and other resources, my local council runs parenting programs, book stores are full of books, there are crisis help lines, nutritional advice, TV programs featuring parenting tips and wonder makeovers of kids behaviour, etc, etc, etc. The downside to that is there is always an "expert" opinion that disagrees with the choices we make as parents. There is always somebody holding up an ideal that we fall short on at times.

The bit that may be missing is the aspect of hands on local community involvement, none of my family live real close (no extended family living next door or in the house). I grew up in a rural valley where most of the residents were relatives and there were some good bits to that (and a few negatives).

R0bert

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good one snout , and best of luck !!

something not mentionned yet is a certain humour ,
it's not appropriate for the serious stuff ,
but I've found than to de dramatise the situation help to make
the punisment more matter of fact and less an interpersonnal power play .
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Some terrific points are being made here.

Snout has touched upon something I have been wanting to discuss with his point 5.

We hear a lot of "my way or the highway"

or "do as I say not as I do".

We hear this as adults from other adults who consider themselves in positions of authority. And we hear the sheer hypocrisy of such statements.

So do our kids.

Whatever happened to "lead by example"?

Surely one of the most inspiring things is to see people in authority pitching in as part of the group or team.

Children watch everything we do. And, as Snout said, they will mimic us, just look at the games they play such as War Games.

I think perhaps, that leading by example should be at the top of the list.

What do others think?

I am also curious to know what others think of the term, 'tough love' is it necessary?, what does it mean to them? and does it achieve its objective, which I guess is complete obedience.

Scout, agreed that living by the values we want our children to learn is somewhere near the top of the list (I don't do well at absolute rankings).

Tough Love, I certainly would not consider absolute obedience as a goal, I want my son to learn the skills to think for himself. What I'm giving him are the tools to make that process work.

Tough love is not a term I tend to use but I identify with what I consider to be the goals. The stuff I think it's about are (not ordered in any meaningful manner). Some of these may be very similar
- teaching kids about consequences for actions and choices
- allowing them to stretch themselves even if it does mean some pain for either themselves or their parents (I have some rescuer tendencies so it hurts me to leave my son struggling with a problem rather than solving it for him)
- teaching kids to think ahead enough to make better decisions
- teaching kids to be willing to stretch their perceived limits
- desensitising them to the little hurts, if it's a little hurt then don't treat it as a big deal. That does not mean inflicting gratitous hurt, more about how we deal with the hurts that happen in life.
- its about teaching kids to keep lifes ups and downs in some proportion

As with all of the stuff we are discussing it requires some wisdom and thought to do well and will need to be adjusted for different stages of a childs life. It needs generous applications of affection all the way through so it do does not look like indifference.

R0bert