Squeers,

I concur.

Regarding your preference for books. It's well known amongst my family and friends that my preference is the same.
A book, of course, is more than a material object - it's "nourishment" for the mind and spirit. What better gift then to bestow on those you care about.

Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

With that thought in mind - gift giving to me has always been personal. I've always tried to give something that the person I'm giving the gift to will appreciate. Whether it's a book, or cooking them dinner, ot taking them out for lunch, or to the theatre, or a movie, or baby-sitting to give them time to themselves. Whatever it takes to make them smile. It doesn't have to be expensive but for me at least it has to be personal. I try to find out ahead of time - what their wishes are - and if it's at all possible (and do-able) - I try to comply - so that it's something that they will remember. They're the ones that are important.

And I love giving gifts - always have.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take
But by the moments that take our beaths away."

Ammonite,

I wasn't contradicting anything you said and I can see that cards can mean a lot, especially when they're spontaneous or personalised or obviously thoughtful. Probably more a male thing; I used to receive twenty or so xmas cards every year from female workmates, but like the other blokes would barely glance at them and throw them away thinking, what a pointless gesture and God-awful waste! Similarly, I resent the way kids are encouraged, usually by female teachers, to give cards and candy-canes and chocolate eggs for xmas and Easter too all their class-mates. I don't see that there's anything to be gained from such tawdry practices except making our kids good, and shallow, consumers, while swamping and degrading genuine gestures with tacky ones. We really should be more thoughtful about how we train our kids in the art of gift-giving.
My grandmother used to love to receive a card, but was quick to reprove a hasty or thoughtless one. My aunty used to beautifully wrap and decorate our birthday presents with great big lavish, hand-made ribbons. My daughters make their own cards (though the eldest is too grown up for that now). So yep, lots of exceptions.
I do think women could teach men a lot about the art of the gift; I know most women will agonise over just the right card or gift or sentiment. Men often seem strangely devoid of this capacity. On the other hand, women often seem strangely devoid of a conscience in receiving outrageously expensive gifts.
I think the art, or even the philosophy, of the gift should be meditated thoroughly before one takes the plunge.

Thanks Squeers.

Timing is everything and your perfectly reasonable post directly followed mine.

I don't know about women losing their conscience with extravagant gifts, one can feel 'bought' or 'beholden'. Way back when women did not have independent incomes, maybe, but in the 21st C - sorts the 'women' from the 'trophies', I suspect.

Some men (and women) are crap at gifts, but wonder again if this isn't more indicative of character. Was married to manipulative man who thought a swiftly procured bottle of Chanel made up for all, whereas a simple bunch of carnations from my first new lover (uni student) after I left the aforementioned spouse meant a great deal. This was doubly ironic, because that bunch of carnations was bought for me on the same day my estranged husband sent a huge bouquet of long stemmed roses to my workplace - had a lot of fun giving a rose to all of my work colleagues.

A gift IS all about the thought.

I just dug out a small verse that speaks of the constant renewal involved in the act of giving...dynamic exchange.

This frail vessel thou emptiest again and again, and fillest it ever with fresh life. This little flute of a reed thou hast carried over hills and dales, and hast breathed through it melodies eternally new....Thy infinite gifts come to me only on those very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still thou pourest, and still there is room to fill.

--Rabindranath Tagore, Gitanjali

Dear Poirot,

I have been meaning to contribute to your thread but the opportunity to do so just didn't arise until now.

The notion of a gift drew me back to the recently departed Joe Bageant's Rainbow Pie – A Red Neck Memoir. He wrote of the Appalacians where “When outsiders move into the area, they often comment on what they perceive as the miserliness of the natives. Or the fact that they will not let you do them even a small favour, lest they be obligated in return.” I wonder if that is where Squeers' hails from.

Joe continued;

"It can work the other way around, too. Some people will unexpectedly do something very nice for you, or give you something – may be an antique or whatever.

”Don't let the Southern charm fool you, though,” I said. “In the back of their mind they have marked it down as a favour or a social debt owed. And they expect you to recognise when to pay it back. Maybe volunteer to feed their dog or water their lawn when they are away. At the same time, you should feel somewhat honoured. It's a down payment on developing further friendship. If they hadn't judged you a worthy, reliable, and reciprocating person, dependable in a friendship, they wouldn't even bother to know you at all.”"

I felt it was a perspective I hadn't thought about before, however this is one that has been occupying me for a little while.

I coach junior basketball in a town near where we live. A number of young Sudanese faces are sprinkled around the teams, something we wouldn't have seen even five years ago. I am becoming deeply appreciative of the gift of a new life we and our country have been able to give to some very deserving folk.

And although there is a degree of pride that I am part of a country who has seen fit to extend a hand to these people I am probably a lot more thankful. I think it is something we don't celebrate enough.