Bit of a change of pace for this thread.
I was recently reading a book by Lewis Hyde titled "The Gift" which examined different aspects of gift giving. In consumer society we tend to see gift giving as a two-way proposition. However, many societies practice "gift economy" which necessitates three or more parties so that the gift and its "spirit" can circulate - and that a person or community who bestows their gift, receives one in turn from a different source, a little like pass-the-parcel.

A couple of quote from the book:
"There are several distinct senses of "gift"...., but common to each of them is the notion that a gift is a thing we do not get by our own efforts. We cannot buy it, we cannot acquire it through an act of will. It is bestowed on us....gifts must always move."

"....wherever property circulates as a gift, the increase that accompanies that circulation is simultaneously material, social and spiritual; where wealth moves as a gift, an increase in material wealth is automatically accompanied by increased conviviality of the group and the strengthening of the spirit of the gift."

Also discussed in the book is the creative spirit in man - his gift - and how he is compelled to release it and to have it circulate...."The gift turned inward, unable to be given, becomes a heavy burden...so long as the gift is not withheld, the creative spirit will remain a stranger to the economics of scarcity...On the contrary, it is the talent which is not in use that atrophies, and to bestow one of our creations is the surest way to invoke the next."

Wondering what you all think about gift giving?

Poirio with the gifting comes the kudos, would we give the gift anonymously?

Our expectation is delight from the recipient and kudos for the giver. Personally I am not into gifts that impress. But we had a $20 million lotto this week and as always when I purchased the ticket I started imaging gathering all my friends and family around and handing out cash gifts that start at $250K, now that is gifting and other than my personal financial security to give to those that matter would be my biggest buzz.

My understanding of gift giving is encapsulated in the old saying "there's no such thing as a free lunch".

Poirot, may I recommend a classic essay by one of your fellow Francophones, Marcel Mauss, entitled simply "The Gift"? It should be available in any good library:

"In his classic work The Gift, Mauss argued that gifts are never "free". Rather, human history is full of examples that gifts give rise to reciprocal exchange. The famous question that drove his inquiry into the anthropology of the gift was: "What power resides in the object given that causes its recipient to pay it back?" (1990:3). The answer is simple: the gift is a "total prestation", imbued with "spiritual mechanisms", engaging the honour of both giver and receiver..."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Mauss

Morganzola,

Thank you for that - I would love to read the essay by Mauss.

Lewis Hyde cites this classic essay in his book and drew much from it for his own study. Here's a short quote:

"Mauss noticed, for one thing, that gift economies tend to be marked by three related obligations: the obligation to give, the obligation to accept, and the obligation to reciprocate. He also pointed out that we should understand gift exchange to be a "total social phenomenon" - one whose transactions are at once economic, juridical,moral, aesthetic, religious and mythological...."

I think the "spirit" of the gift is central to its intrinsic social value. I wonder, however, how much our money/profit oriented society has access to the fundamental value of gift exchange.

Sonofgloin,

It's interesting that you gained a good feeling from imagining yourself giving to family and friends. I think most of us have pictured ourselves in similar circumstances and enjoyed the buzz as well.

the 'buzz' of giving a gift
often lasts longer than the feelings of recieving

[that is to say...most gifts..most of the time...]

this might reflect upon the value of the gift..
or the reason...as much as the gift itself.

im reminded of the gift of the white elephant
[that must be fed/groomed/housed...
yet musn't be used..to 'earn its keep;..work]

we know diamonds are a girls best friend
when the friend isnt a true friend
[but friends are worth more than the gift]

im reminded of the wealthy parents poor child...
who's life is filled with every gift imaginable...
yet lacking in parental attention..the true 'gift'

just as gifts are slippery
they also cut down resistance
[im thinking more like grease...helps move the immovable object
yet getting vision guidance...that of bribe gifting,..rather than flower's and chocolate and oysters]

then you got tghat gift of a thing being free...lol
like an ebook for bying insurance..or a free flight..
needing an expensive room rental on a credit card

anyhow
the best gift we each have is freewill
lived by simply the gift of life

thank you lord
for thy creation and nurture

the logic of light
sustaining life
via logic...
into love

a true gift needs no strings
indeed has no further obligation
it must be a gift..[in the true meaning of the word]

ps
never give large gifts
storage soon becomes a problem
if it cant be hidden...[its not a gift]

Poirot your post reminded me of the Kevin Spacey film 'Pay it Forward' whereby the giver of a favour or good turn merely asks for the receiver to pay it forward and do another person in need a good turn.

It is a bit twee, but I love the concept.

Giving is both selfless and selfish sometimes depending on the moment and context. Giving a gift to your child and seeing their face light up is rewarding and in some way the giver is also receiving something in return. I love the idea of something homemade, homecooked or grown even though I rarely do this myself both through lack of talent and opting for expediency which is something I could do better. I love receivnig a gift that is handmade and would prefer a homemade jam, cake, knitted scarf or homegrown pumpkin than a bottle of Chanel No. 5. But then I am happy with a bag of cow manure for the garden. :)

The most selfless gift is probably that which is done anonymously as someone posted above. There are many now who opt for donations to charity in lieu of gifts.

The psychology of giving gifts is probably linked with the human need to maintain relationships and the hedonistic pleasure in giving and receiving. It is an interesting topic.

Thanks Pelican, well said.

It's interesting to compare different instances of gift giving. Those societies that practice gift economy seem to see it as an integral part of the balance within their lives - the circulation or movement of the gift being important, serving as a living link between people.

As for anonymous gifts - we've all heard of spontaneous acts of kindness such as the driver in front at the toll booth paying for the car behind. Even letting someone go ahead of you at the supermarket checkout is a gift that makes both parties feel good.

Just thought I'd mention that as much as I'm enamoured by homegrown pumpkins, I also like Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle - and I'm down to my last three drops from what was a "gift" bottle...so if anyone feels like buying a gift..... :)

In my family, the gift of time has been the biggest gift of all. My parents grew up under economic sanctions in Rhodesia, where there was precious little to give; I was born in that period between the lifting of sanctions and the onset of poverty. We never had much, and we never expected costly gifts. A modest Christmas day picnic, a trip to a park for a birthday ... the important thing was that we were together for a while in body and spirit.

Nowadays, as they approach retirement, my parents have more to spend. The modest picnics are more elaborate, the outings to restaurants rather than parks. In a strange way, it is still a gift from both ends: my parents are able to give more; I am able to give them the opportunity to give. While there were times that the 'fanciest' they could offer was a trip to Maccas for a sundae after dinner, they are now happy that they can offer more. I'm not much of a gourmet, but I'm happy to receive if it makes them happy.

With this in mind, I find some of the gift-giving rituals of my partner's family a little foreign. Little rules like 'spend the same amount of money on everyone' fly in the face of my rule of 'find the gift that will bring the most joy to each person'. If I can get that great gift for $10, why spend $100 on something that will wow the recipient but not make them happy? Sadly (well, sadly for me, anyway) her family doesn't see it that way. Gifts are discussed in terms of dollar values. The lead-ups to birthdays and Christmases are characterised by furious circling of items in catalogues and collaborating, planning and striving to meet expectations. Gift-giving becomes a clinical process rather than a process of the heart. While I accept that it's just the way they do things, to me it is a little disheartening. The joy of gift-giving, for me, is the joy of making somebody happy - not the joy of avoiding disappointment.

To my mind, gift giving involves giving someone an item or service they would really like/love to have, and then not expecting any gift in return other than their happiness.

Even more important is giving a gift to someone who really NEEDS that item or service, but is genuinely unable to purchase that item themselves.
The giving of gifts such as these should involve ensuring that the self esteem of the recipient is uppermost in the mind of the gift-giver.

As a general rule I don't like to 'gift' most charities because I believe most of the money is used anywhere in the organisation other than where it is needed!

Pelican

I identified with everything in your last post, especially the cow manure :D

I remember mum saying she'd rather a container of Osmocote than anything else.

I was often the recipient of gifts from people in my job with the public service, when I was only doing my job - where possible I would share them with the rest of the staff. A big plate of freshly cooked Vietnamese spring rolls were a welcome treat.

I like to surprise people with a gift and as I am physically distant from friends, will write a message on a card and pop it in the mail just whenever.

And yes am guilty of saying to someone that all I ask is that they help someone else.

There was a time, when I was really struggling financially, my butcher gave me a kilo of his home made sausages - I hadn't said much about myself, he just knew. How to repay a butcher?, be a regular customer.

On the dark side, there is nothing worse than a thoughtless gift, one that makes you wonder whether the giver even knows who you are. Gifts can be very fraught.

There may have been a time in some families and cultures when gift-giving was performed with great sincerity, ceremony or deference, but such was never my experience and I struggle to think of any really positive occasions these days for giving gifts or receiving them in the "proper spirit".
It seems to me that beside the fact that the gifts I receive tend to be useless and unwanted, receiving a gift is generally fraught with reciprocal obligations and other implications I'm uncomfortable with. It's exceedingly difficult to give a gift these days without buying into the consumer industry that has colonised all occasions, from weddings to having a baby to birthdays, Christenings and Christmas; they've all been commodified and a range of appropriately twee to obscenely expensive goods are on sale for every occasion. Furthermore, the savvy recipient these days--a cynic unworthy of the name--apropos of Oscar Wilde's prophetic aphorism, "knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing".
I prefer not to receive gifts, or even cards, as by doing so, and feeling obliged to reciprocate, I implicitly support this tasteless and voracious consumerism--which I explicitly do not!
The one gift I do like to give to close family and friends, and very occasionally to receive (if they know me at all well enough for such an intimate gesture), is a book, which I inscribe inside with whatever sentiment seems appropriate--thus making cards redundant.
I give a book to my kids and partner for birthdays, and I often leaf through books given me years ago. This year I've bought my oldest daughter Trollope's "Barchester Towers" in a fine Folio edition (though second-hand and inexpensive); I've also bought her a new uncensored and annotated edition of Wilde's "Picture of Dorian Gray". For my wife I've bought Jane Hitchcock's "Social Crimes"; and for my youngest girl (same birthday as my wife's) I've bought the "Complete Miss Marple Short Stories", also Folio.
I'm confident these gifts will be more edifying and last much longer than the gaudiest cards, and can't wait for their birthdays!

Squeers

While I agree with you, am taking issue about "gaudy" cards, one can buy a lovely card for a dollar and write a quick note to let someone know they are in one's thoughts impulse at Post Office. I also recycle and revamp cards. Think you missed my point about the spontaneity of the unexpected. Such a surprise does not require reciprocity.

Squeers,

I concur.

Regarding your preference for books. It's well known amongst my family and friends that my preference is the same.
A book, of course, is more than a material object - it's "nourishment" for the mind and spirit. What better gift then to bestow on those you care about.

Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

With that thought in mind - gift giving to me has always been personal. I've always tried to give something that the person I'm giving the gift to will appreciate. Whether it's a book, or cooking them dinner, ot taking them out for lunch, or to the theatre, or a movie, or baby-sitting to give them time to themselves. Whatever it takes to make them smile. It doesn't have to be expensive but for me at least it has to be personal. I try to find out ahead of time - what their wishes are - and if it's at all possible (and do-able) - I try to comply - so that it's something that they will remember. They're the ones that are important.

And I love giving gifts - always have.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take
But by the moments that take our beaths away."

Ammonite,

I wasn't contradicting anything you said and I can see that cards can mean a lot, especially when they're spontaneous or personalised or obviously thoughtful. Probably more a male thing; I used to receive twenty or so xmas cards every year from female workmates, but like the other blokes would barely glance at them and throw them away thinking, what a pointless gesture and God-awful waste! Similarly, I resent the way kids are encouraged, usually by female teachers, to give cards and candy-canes and chocolate eggs for xmas and Easter too all their class-mates. I don't see that there's anything to be gained from such tawdry practices except making our kids good, and shallow, consumers, while swamping and degrading genuine gestures with tacky ones. We really should be more thoughtful about how we train our kids in the art of gift-giving.
My grandmother used to love to receive a card, but was quick to reprove a hasty or thoughtless one. My aunty used to beautifully wrap and decorate our birthday presents with great big lavish, hand-made ribbons. My daughters make their own cards (though the eldest is too grown up for that now). So yep, lots of exceptions.
I do think women could teach men a lot about the art of the gift; I know most women will agonise over just the right card or gift or sentiment. Men often seem strangely devoid of this capacity. On the other hand, women often seem strangely devoid of a conscience in receiving outrageously expensive gifts.
I think the art, or even the philosophy, of the gift should be meditated thoroughly before one takes the plunge.

Thanks Squeers.

Timing is everything and your perfectly reasonable post directly followed mine.

I don't know about women losing their conscience with extravagant gifts, one can feel 'bought' or 'beholden'. Way back when women did not have independent incomes, maybe, but in the 21st C - sorts the 'women' from the 'trophies', I suspect.

Some men (and women) are crap at gifts, but wonder again if this isn't more indicative of character. Was married to manipulative man who thought a swiftly procured bottle of Chanel made up for all, whereas a simple bunch of carnations from my first new lover (uni student) after I left the aforementioned spouse meant a great deal. This was doubly ironic, because that bunch of carnations was bought for me on the same day my estranged husband sent a huge bouquet of long stemmed roses to my workplace - had a lot of fun giving a rose to all of my work colleagues.

A gift IS all about the thought.

I just dug out a small verse that speaks of the constant renewal involved in the act of giving...dynamic exchange.

This frail vessel thou emptiest again and again, and fillest it ever with fresh life. This little flute of a reed thou hast carried over hills and dales, and hast breathed through it melodies eternally new....Thy infinite gifts come to me only on those very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still thou pourest, and still there is room to fill.

--Rabindranath Tagore, Gitanjali

Dear Poirot,

I have been meaning to contribute to your thread but the opportunity to do so just didn't arise until now.

The notion of a gift drew me back to the recently departed Joe Bageant's Rainbow Pie – A Red Neck Memoir. He wrote of the Appalacians where “When outsiders move into the area, they often comment on what they perceive as the miserliness of the natives. Or the fact that they will not let you do them even a small favour, lest they be obligated in return.” I wonder if that is where Squeers' hails from.

Joe continued;

"It can work the other way around, too. Some people will unexpectedly do something very nice for you, or give you something – may be an antique or whatever.

”Don't let the Southern charm fool you, though,” I said. “In the back of their mind they have marked it down as a favour or a social debt owed. And they expect you to recognise when to pay it back. Maybe volunteer to feed their dog or water their lawn when they are away. At the same time, you should feel somewhat honoured. It's a down payment on developing further friendship. If they hadn't judged you a worthy, reliable, and reciprocating person, dependable in a friendship, they wouldn't even bother to know you at all.”"

I felt it was a perspective I hadn't thought about before, however this is one that has been occupying me for a little while.

I coach junior basketball in a town near where we live. A number of young Sudanese faces are sprinkled around the teams, something we wouldn't have seen even five years ago. I am becoming deeply appreciative of the gift of a new life we and our country have been able to give to some very deserving folk.

And although there is a degree of pride that I am part of a country who has seen fit to extend a hand to these people I am probably a lot more thankful. I think it is something we don't celebrate enough.

csteele,

Thank you for adding some more thoughts to the idea of gift giving.
Your comments reminded me of my mother and her regular gift giving offerings to her friends and neighbours. She likes to cook, and most days she will find a way to distribute something around her circle of close associates. I've often been fascinated at the gift exchange that goes on amongst them. They are always giving and then receiving something in return. It's a never-ending loop of outgoings and incomings, which seems to strengthen and maintain the bonds of within the circle - a perfect example of a gift economy.

I understood Squeers's point regarding consumer society's usurping of gift-giving culture where it's become simply a money spinner where people are programmed to to give gifts more as part of a consumer ritual than for any meaningful bonding or sense of community.