Thanks Pelican, well said.

It's interesting to compare different instances of gift giving. Those societies that practice gift economy seem to see it as an integral part of the balance within their lives - the circulation or movement of the gift being important, serving as a living link between people.

As for anonymous gifts - we've all heard of spontaneous acts of kindness such as the driver in front at the toll booth paying for the car behind. Even letting someone go ahead of you at the supermarket checkout is a gift that makes both parties feel good.

Just thought I'd mention that as much as I'm enamoured by homegrown pumpkins, I also like Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle - and I'm down to my last three drops from what was a "gift" bottle...so if anyone feels like buying a gift..... :)

In my family, the gift of time has been the biggest gift of all. My parents grew up under economic sanctions in Rhodesia, where there was precious little to give; I was born in that period between the lifting of sanctions and the onset of poverty. We never had much, and we never expected costly gifts. A modest Christmas day picnic, a trip to a park for a birthday ... the important thing was that we were together for a while in body and spirit.

Nowadays, as they approach retirement, my parents have more to spend. The modest picnics are more elaborate, the outings to restaurants rather than parks. In a strange way, it is still a gift from both ends: my parents are able to give more; I am able to give them the opportunity to give. While there were times that the 'fanciest' they could offer was a trip to Maccas for a sundae after dinner, they are now happy that they can offer more. I'm not much of a gourmet, but I'm happy to receive if it makes them happy.

With this in mind, I find some of the gift-giving rituals of my partner's family a little foreign. Little rules like 'spend the same amount of money on everyone' fly in the face of my rule of 'find the gift that will bring the most joy to each person'. If I can get that great gift for $10, why spend $100 on something that will wow the recipient but not make them happy? Sadly (well, sadly for me, anyway) her family doesn't see it that way. Gifts are discussed in terms of dollar values. The lead-ups to birthdays and Christmases are characterised by furious circling of items in catalogues and collaborating, planning and striving to meet expectations. Gift-giving becomes a clinical process rather than a process of the heart. While I accept that it's just the way they do things, to me it is a little disheartening. The joy of gift-giving, for me, is the joy of making somebody happy - not the joy of avoiding disappointment.

To my mind, gift giving involves giving someone an item or service they would really like/love to have, and then not expecting any gift in return other than their happiness.

Even more important is giving a gift to someone who really NEEDS that item or service, but is genuinely unable to purchase that item themselves.
The giving of gifts such as these should involve ensuring that the self esteem of the recipient is uppermost in the mind of the gift-giver.

As a general rule I don't like to 'gift' most charities because I believe most of the money is used anywhere in the organisation other than where it is needed!

Pelican

I identified with everything in your last post, especially the cow manure :D

I remember mum saying she'd rather a container of Osmocote than anything else.

I was often the recipient of gifts from people in my job with the public service, when I was only doing my job - where possible I would share them with the rest of the staff. A big plate of freshly cooked Vietnamese spring rolls were a welcome treat.

I like to surprise people with a gift and as I am physically distant from friends, will write a message on a card and pop it in the mail just whenever.

And yes am guilty of saying to someone that all I ask is that they help someone else.

There was a time, when I was really struggling financially, my butcher gave me a kilo of his home made sausages - I hadn't said much about myself, he just knew. How to repay a butcher?, be a regular customer.

On the dark side, there is nothing worse than a thoughtless gift, one that makes you wonder whether the giver even knows who you are. Gifts can be very fraught.

There may have been a time in some families and cultures when gift-giving was performed with great sincerity, ceremony or deference, but such was never my experience and I struggle to think of any really positive occasions these days for giving gifts or receiving them in the "proper spirit".
It seems to me that beside the fact that the gifts I receive tend to be useless and unwanted, receiving a gift is generally fraught with reciprocal obligations and other implications I'm uncomfortable with. It's exceedingly difficult to give a gift these days without buying into the consumer industry that has colonised all occasions, from weddings to having a baby to birthdays, Christenings and Christmas; they've all been commodified and a range of appropriately twee to obscenely expensive goods are on sale for every occasion. Furthermore, the savvy recipient these days--a cynic unworthy of the name--apropos of Oscar Wilde's prophetic aphorism, "knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing".
I prefer not to receive gifts, or even cards, as by doing so, and feeling obliged to reciprocate, I implicitly support this tasteless and voracious consumerism--which I explicitly do not!
The one gift I do like to give to close family and friends, and very occasionally to receive (if they know me at all well enough for such an intimate gesture), is a book, which I inscribe inside with whatever sentiment seems appropriate--thus making cards redundant.
I give a book to my kids and partner for birthdays, and I often leaf through books given me years ago. This year I've bought my oldest daughter Trollope's "Barchester Towers" in a fine Folio edition (though second-hand and inexpensive); I've also bought her a new uncensored and annotated edition of Wilde's "Picture of Dorian Gray". For my wife I've bought Jane Hitchcock's "Social Crimes"; and for my youngest girl (same birthday as my wife's) I've bought the "Complete Miss Marple Short Stories", also Folio.
I'm confident these gifts will be more edifying and last much longer than the gaudiest cards, and can't wait for their birthdays!

Squeers

While I agree with you, am taking issue about "gaudy" cards, one can buy a lovely card for a dollar and write a quick note to let someone know they are in one's thoughts impulse at Post Office. I also recycle and revamp cards. Think you missed my point about the spontaneity of the unexpected. Such a surprise does not require reciprocity.