examinator wrote: We all should strive for perfection even though we all know that is functionally impossible.

I think that idea is the source of much guilt and suffering. To strive for an unreachable goal brings in its train dissatisfaction and guilt. We can never reach perfection so we are dissatisfied with whatever we achieve if we set perfection as a goal. Then we can castigate ourselves and others for being less than perfect. Doing the best we can with what we have is a healthier goal. I had a father who frequently bemoaned his inadequacies. He was a very good man but set unreachable goals for himself. It made it more difficult for those around him.

There's a Hasidic anecdote to illustrate that point. Reb Zosya said, "When I'm called before the Almighty he won't ask me, "Why are you not like Moses?" He will ask me, "Why are you not like Zosya?"

"Doing the best we can with what we have is a healthier goal."

david f,

I agree completely. I had a father who often silently worried about what he was going to do on day-to-day matters. It resulted in him being quite stern and stubborn with the rest of the family. It was obvious in hindsight that he was conflicted between keeping up with the external world and living his life at his own level.

In my opinion, it's the unrealistic expectations that are directly and indirectly placed on people that cause so many problems. For many, it is difficult to segue from where they are to where society expects them to be and so they react negatively. This can range between withdrawal at one end of the spectrum to freaking out at the other.

For the benefit of their health, such people should be able to opt out of the mainstream if they so desire without being turned into some kind of pariah.

It's all about people, people.

I know people who - without the slightest external pressure - will strive for perfection in everything. They understand that - however impossible - perfection should always be the goal.

They are also entirely comfortable with their efforts to achieve it. They constantly regard any shortfall as a learning experience. Which they then use to improve in future.

I like these people. They like themselves. I employ them whenever I can

I know people who - without any external pressure - will target perfection, but cannot handle what they regard as "failure", no matter how close they get. They brood about this shortfall until it takes over their lives. They may have even got closer than the first category, but destroy themselves with their inability to understand that perfection is merely a goal, not a requirement.

I try to spot these people and counsel them, but because the pressure comes from within - memories of a domineering parent, perhaps - there's not much you can do for them. They are very difficult people to fire, but very easy to persuade that "you might be more comfortable working somewhere more closely suited to your talents".

I know people who require external pressure to strive for perfection. Some react well to it, take it in their stride, accept that they will never be self-motivated but nonetheless will still put in to the best of their ability, go home at 5.30 and sleep well at night.

There are however also those who need to be set challenging goals, but react badly to that pressure. They think that meeting other people's expectations is somehow vital to their self-esteem, which is also probably a childhood-related problem.

But these people just happen to be the biggest whingers and moaners on earth, when things don't turn out for them.

And usually, they see it as someone else's fault.

I also know people who wouldn't know perfection if it whacked them over the head with a piece of two-by-four. These people are generally very happy people.

There's no one-size-fits-all in life.

Thank goodness

Davidf,
You are right of course as is Pericles.
I can only explain the clarity of my stance in terms of my past. NOT in any attempt to impress or superimpose this view on others

I hope and work for the best, expect the worst and therefore sanguine about what comes. Where I have done my best but the outcome wasn’t that flash then I take feedback/criticism on board discard the dross and try to learn from the experience.

If I hadn’t had that attitude I wouldn’t have survived a number of years as a volunteer crisis intervention councillor on the “suicide shift” (the average was a few months.) Was I special …nah I just had the required coping skills and a modicum of skill and a desire to help.

You had to be able to be objective but at the same time emphasise (give of your self) with the caller. Each call could be ‘the biggy’ and you maybe dealing with life or death. Thankfully those calls were in the minority but most councillors feared ‘that’ call.

You rarely got to find out if you were successful/or failed miserably. Sometimes you might read a sad outcome in the newspaper that seemed familiar.

A councillor’s job was to simply listen and help release the pressure. If appropriate try and encourage them to seek more intensive help. Even if they came in to in house social workers you rarely heard about it client confidentiality etc. In job satisfaction terms you didn’t have a real result.

If you went in with the objective "I’ll do my best" and it went bad you would have doubts the next morning and beyond."was my best enough? what if?..." If you were unable the result you wouldn’t last. I can assure you neither training (as it was) nor confidence on their own will carry you.

I guess the circumstance has coloured my view.

I fully accept that this may not apply to others

My parents believed that through
education was the only way to achieve anything.
They lost everything as a result
of World War II. Their country, their wealth, their
social position, their family. So push me they did.
And everything has to be perfect, or so I thought.

I ended up doing the same thing to my children
without realizing it. I've told this story on another
thread but I remember well the evening my younger son
came walking in with an outfit that gave new meaning
to the word "colourful." We were about to have dinner
with friends, and his outfit was not exactly what I had
in mind. I asked him to change into something else. He
was not enthusiastic. After a few minutes of getting
nowhere, his older brother, passed by and asked,
"Mum, why does everything always have to be perfect?"

In a very real way, that question was a turning point in my
life as a parent, and the ripples of that moment still
affect me. Obviously, everything does not have to be perfect.
Like many parents, I had been caught up in the external,
the trivial. I was making a major flap about a shirt and a
pair of trousers.

These day it's not surprising to find my children wearing odd
clothes, but I'm no longer concerned. I've come to realize
when my children reach old age, it probably won't matter what
they wore of how fabulous their birthday parties were.

What will be important is the content of our children's
hearts and minds, or what is often described as character.
When we say, "It's what's inside that counts," we speak a simple
but profound truth.

What should we strive for? Not perfection I now know.
For me personally it's wisdom. But the more I learn from
life, the more I realize how much I've still to learn.

Solomon ben Judah ibn Gabirol said:

"Man is only wise during the time that he searches for wisdom;
when he imagines he has completely attained it, he is a fool."

As I see it, there are those who grow old feeling happy and satisfied with life and then there are those who are the 'bitter and twisted' types. I will be satisfied as I am taking life by the horns.

The difference ia in being able to make and achieve goals. I believe in goal setting and also giving inner passions a go. You only have one shot at this life and if you don't give every thing inside that stirs a go, that 'nagging' in you that wants to come out, well, it is only yourself and your own life you are cheating.

There are those who creat their future and use goal setting and then there are those who just let life happen to them and blame the world for their misery; they don't control life at all.

By controling your life, it isn't being perfectionistic or having power over others, it is merely doing what you as a very unique individual have inside that is YOU that is yearning to be expressed and make a difference out there.

There is this line. Right. Above the line is the VICTOR. Victors take ownership, accountability and responsibility for their lives.
They make that choice.

Below the line are the VICTIMS. They blame, make excuses and deny.

My family live by this diagram, whether we are living above or below the line.

WHICH ARE YOU? I chose to be a victor and strive at this life of mine. I was never always this way but I made a better CHOICE.

We all CHOOSE.