Thank you Kathryn for showing that it is possible for healing to occur. You were fortunate that you did not keep your abuse secret and you had a good mother who validated and helped you, plus received therapy immediately. For those of us who are many years later (in my case 53 laters from the first rape (when I was 8))finally breaking the silence and speaking out, and especially for you Michael, I would recommend making contact with MAYUMARRI, a safe place where victims of childhood abuse, who have lived through it, so must be congratulated on their courage to survive this far, can continue on their healing journey. Mayumarri holds week long healing weeks in several States. It is affordable for anyone who needs it. Their website shows all details.
Michael, I spent many years working with Dept. Community Services in NSW. I WAS PRIVVY TO DETAILS OF OCCASIONS OF ABUSE BY STAFF OF CHILDREN IN THE GOVERNMENT INSTITUTIONS. AND ALSO BY FOSTER PARENTS WHO RESCUED ABUSED CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES OF ORIGIN WHERE THEY WERE initially ABUSED.
MAYUMARRI will help you in advocacy issues for achieving justice for yourself too. Please try the site, at the very least. I attended two healing weeks last year. I AM GLAD THAT I HAVE BROKEN MY SILENCE AND I LOOK BACK ON A BLIGHTED LIFE BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD MOTHER AND THE SUPPORT THAT KATHRYN GOT FROM AN EARLY AGE.
CHILDHOOD ABUSE IS THE NO. 1 KILLER OF AUSTRALIANS AND WHEN VICTIMS ARE UNTREATED AT THE OUTSET, THEY CANNOT ACHIEVE THEIR POTENTIAL. MANY ACTUALLY VICTIMISE OTHERS. CONTINUE TO BREAK THE SILENCE!
Patricia O'Keeffe

donald blake did you completely miss her point?

Firstly, you put words in her mouth by inferring that she suggested that Victimhood would interest women who had been raped. She never said anything like this let alone belittled them. Hers was an attack on social misconceptions that can't recognise that victims of rape are more than one dimensional- she certainly does not see them as such.

"In your particular case, you will always be a victim of someone else’s shameful actions"- This is the attitude that she is seeking to argue against. Yes, she can never take back what happened but I wouldn't imagine anyone would forever want to identify themselves as a victim of someone else.

"the article reminds me of the pull-your-socks-up diatribe pushed onto the mentally ill"- did you miss her paragraph of:

"I do not take away that sex crimes, incest and child abuse are abhorrent, but merely suggesting that childhood trauma doesn’t determine personality. My mother endured my maladjustment. She tolerated my violent outbursts and held me through my tears. I mention this as I do not want to be seen to be trivialising these events. I do not want anyone to think that any sort of reaction is over the top or that I can sit here and write that victimhood is a “choice” and it is that simple" ?

You said: "Not being able to cope very well is not a crime"- I think she made it pretty clear that she went through suffering and trauma and doesn't seem to feel bad about that or that she should be ashamed of it, shouldn’t we be happy for her that she is no longer suffering?

It's like you are angry at her for not fitting the perception that you think she should fit. Really what the point of her article was trying to change I think

Well done Kathryn.
My story is similar in some respects, but I kept it well hidden for many years and was under pressure from all members of the family to keep it hidden. When I finally could bear it no longer and told, I was ostracised permanently by the family. Like you I also fought against the 'victim' status that seemed to flow from the assaults. I joined a group called 'ASCA' to try to deal with the effects but found them continually dragging me down to the status of victim, combined with a dose of 'putting it all in the hands of the Lord'. None of this was helpful in trying to break away from victimhood; in fact I thought it only helped in wallowing. I am aware of the good intentions that such a group has, but the psycho-social basis seemed to me out of kilter. I left, and have been dealing with it on my own, to varying degrees of success. But like you, I found when I did tell anybody, the whole dynamics of relationships changed, and again, I was placed in a victim category. The need is for more than this. And would require a whole article more!

Bravo Kathryn.
Your story is powerful, personal and honest.
The courage to speak out and refuse to be shamed into silence is a powerful weapon against those who use silence as a cover for their behaviour.
It is interesting how those who have their personal power taken away from them - via abuse or social stigma or violence or crime - are often overcome by shame, yet the perpetrators, at least until they are caught, if they feel anything, probably feel a sense of power and control. The practice of wholesale rape in war and the pervasive silence that almost always accompanies it comes to mind as I write this. Only now are we hearing about the wholesale rape of the women of Berlin at the end of WW2, for example. That's one hell of a long silence.
Shame is corrosive, it destroys lives and hopes and potential - sometimes for generations. Through your story you model how shame can be both rejected and healed, please keep telling it.

Kathyrn: Thanks for your response.

Micheal: Look after yourself - don't let what they did change how you feel about yourself. You are very brave to come forward - it all helps. Kathryn's words were especially sensible.

Scorpion: I pretty well hold to my posts. I thought that, if you'd read my posts properly, you'd understand that, for me, the word victim doesn't hold the usual connnotations - or, if like, stigma -that most people attach to it.

A victim is a person who has been wronged - I agree with Kathryn that it is not, or should not, become their main identity. However, it will always be an aspect of their make up.

I want the stigma moved back to the wrong doer. That's all.

Articdog says: "But like you (Kathryn), I found when I did tell anybody, the whole dynamics of relationships changed, and again, I was placed in a victim category…”

Why did the whole dynamic change? And what's wrong with acknowledging something bad has happened to you? I don't get people who reject others because someone has harmed that person. Being a victim is no crime, turning your back on a victim is callous and ironically only contributes to the victim’s victim status.

Victim (with all it's connotations) is where someone becomes bound almost crippled by self-pity, resentment, depression, low self-esteem, passivity, rage, live in a memory, etc. I don't think that is a crime just an unfortunate consequence of a crime. However, for some reason society seems to want to hold the victim in that state. If the victim works through and doesn't behave as expected, society seems to think that he or she loses their victim status but only because they haven't really been harmed. This is wrong.

How does the victim, and the supportive friend, acknowledge and show the severity of the crime without being given victim status. All you can do is be authentic and honour your pain. It is not the victims fault but other people seeking some solace from the idea that things aren't that bad? I don't think that it is only coincidence that this attitude seems more so in sexual assault cases.

Part of the reason is also because people place the shame on the wrong person's shoulders in the first place. Articdog said that people placed her in the victim category when she told them of her troubles. The usual reaction to situation like this can be "you poor girl" rather than " how dare he harm you like that". The second reaction would suggest to me at least that we are placing the shame where it belongs and thus helping cut victimhood out of the dynamic.

Scorpion I haven’t put words into Kathryn’s mouth and she isn’t a victim who needs you to save her. You need to practice what you preach.