Kathryn, best wishes for success in all you attempt. Your story tells me you are competent, caring and courageous so more strength to your arm.

Thanks for the story. It is good to hear from someone who refuses to suffer life-long consequences because they were a victim of crime. We often see the idea that children who suffer sexual abuse are scarred for life. Maybe it is the reaction of adults around the 'victim' that contribute the most to 'ongoing suffering'.

Sounds like you're pretty grounded to me. Yep, some people like to label people 'victims' because they're insecure themselves and they need someone to 'stand upon'.

I reckon we've all met people who have metaphorically tattooed the word VICTIM on their foreheads. It's a sad way to live a life, being constantly trapped in yesteryear.

I smiled in recognition at your description of the ploys various psychological 'boys' use in the dating game and basically they're power plays. Lovers and friends don't act like that.

You'll meet various mutations of that sort of immaturity and dysfunctionality as you move up the corporate ladder - if that's what you want to do - but I think you've already 'sussed' them out.

You sound like no ones fool. Best wishes.

Kathryn

You should think about becoming a writer.

IM SORRY YOUR FAIMLY MEMBER DID THIS AND YOU CAN HANDLE WHAT HAPPEND , ONLY IF IT WAS SO EASY , PEOPLE DO NOT SEEM TO UNDER STAND THAT WHEN I PLACE MY STORY OUT THEIR IT IS TO GET US VICTIMS HELP AND THE TRUTH FROM THE GOVERMENT OF WHAT WE SUFFERED , AS CHILDREN WHILE WE WERE IN THE HANDS OF THE STATE . I WAS IN THIS BOYS HOME FROM DOING WRONG BY THE LAW . YES PUNISH ME , BUT I WAS MORE THAN PUNISHED I WAS RAPED AND SODIMISSED BY TWO [2] PEDOPHILES THAT WORKED AT DARUK BOYS HOME WINDSOR NOW TH JOHN MORONEY CORRECTIONAL CENTRE , WAS THIS THE PUNISHMENT THE COURT ORDERED ME TO SUFFER I DON;T THINK SO , IT WAS JUST THAT THE GOVERMENT HAD THESE SICK PEDOPHILES UNDER THEIR NOSES AND DID NOTHING AS THEY EITHER TURNED THEIR BACK OR WERE NOT AWARE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING KINDS REGARDS MICHEAL BROWN , I HOPE WELL FOR YOU ,AS I DO EVERY DAY PRAY THAT I AM STILL LIVING WHEN I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING

Kathryn: why would victimhood interest any raped woman? What a belittling statement. Who says being raped shames the person raped? Your, albeit female, perspective shows how entrenched male thinking is on this matter?

I think it comes down to a tendency in people to view others as one dimensional. I include you in here because, for you, the crime recreate's the victim's identity: their victim status becomes their only status. You also see consolers of victims as people incapable of seeing that the sum of a person’s make up is much more than that of victim. You portray victims as the sum of one aspect rather than the sum of many aspects that make up their personhood.

The thing is you and people like you are and have been a victim. In your particular case, you will always be a victim of someone else’s shameful actions. No shame on your part. Being a victim is not a crime. Why should the victim of a rape feel any shame or be shamed?

This thinking which sees the rape victim as being shamed needs to be overturned and seen for the fallacious dregs of a male-dominated society that it is – as does the tendency to foreground this “victim”, or more precisely, the “shamed” aspect in a harmed person’s character. The thinking that casts a rape victim as shamed rather than the perpetrator is just plain wrong. This subtle misogynistic thinking is where the stigma stems from and it needs to be challenged.

Yes the various anti-feminist groups have come out with their excusatory propaganda that seeks to blame the victim and this has resulted, in part, in the stigmatising of rape victims. Thank goodness for feminists who are challenging this boys-club mentality. The long-term “ victim status” attributed to the victims of rape stems from certain men throughout history subtly reinforcing their power over women. The stigma needs to be attached to the rapists and their excusers.

Being a victim should never be anyone's whole identity.

Sometimes falling into victimhood is a result of an inability to cope rather than the victim trying for sympathy, empathy or pushing some agenda. For instance: it may be a way of coping with the fear of facing that very stigma that Kathryn is fighting.

In politics victim status is said to accrue many dividends, such as immunity to criticism - but rape is personal, emotional and undermines faith in others. Every person is different in how they cope and Kathryn’s article may add to the stigma of those who have more difficulty accepting such an injustice –especially if the assailant has escaped prosecution.

Claiming victimhood offers no reward – it is, most likely, simply the result of a victim not coping. I’m not sure why Kathryn is trying to present it as a weakness. The weakness is with the rapist. We must empathise with victims who cannot cope - not further entrench their powerlessness and thus empower lecherous males.

A person who has a crime committed against them is a victim of that particular crime. We mustn't deny this. Tears and emotions are often part of the coping mechanism and grieving for oneself is a sensible and understandable response.

It’s a complex problem and - while I agree that victims must not accept the idea that being raped makes a person a victim whose individual power as a lovable, respected female is forever lost to the perpetrator of a harmful injustice -- the article reminds me of the pull-your-socks-up diatribe pushed onto the mentally ill.

Let’s start by re- adjusting our thinking and cultural mores and start placing the stigma, responsibility and shame totally on the perpetrators of the crime and burying that old macho idea that victim status implies weakness or is just hysterical-girl behaviour. Let’s identify and foreground the actual cause of problems forced onto victims-rather than blaming those victims who cannot cope. Being a victim of rape is not a crime. Not being able to cope very well is not a crime. Let's attack rapists and their apologists who claim victimhood to excuse their shameful behaviour.

WE AS VICTIMS ALL DEAL WITH THIS IN A DIFFRENT WAY DONALD AND LET ME ASURE YOU ,AS FOR BEING A MALE NOW IN MY LATE FORIES , I DOUBT YOU WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE THIS SICK PERVERTED ACTS THAT WERE ENDURED UPON I AND OTHER YOUNG BOYSTHAT WERE AT THIS INSTITUTION DARUK BOYS HOME , JUST TYPE IT IN ON YOUR COMPUTOR AND SEE WHAT TYPE OF HITS YOU GET , ONLY WHAT THE GOVERMENT WANTS THE PUBLIC TO KNOW THIS WAS A RUN ISTITUTION FOR BOYS WICH OPEN IN 1960,AND CLOSED IN 1980, THE ONLY PICTURES ON THE NET ARE THAT OF THOSE IN THE STATE SYDNEY STATE LIBARY OF WHICH I KNOW PERSONALLY THAT I A CHILD RAPED AT THIS BOYS HOME BY THE TWO [2] STAFF MEMBERS THAT WORKED FOR THE STATE OF NEW SOUTH WALES ,HAS EXPOLXED MYSELF IN STAES HISTORY THE BOY IN ONE OF THOSE PHOTOS IS I , AND THE GOVERMENT DOE;S NOT CARE THAT IS WHY IT IS COVERED UP ,, SO WHY DON;T YOU START SPREADING THE DARUK BOYS HOME STORY TO OTHER SIGHTS YOU GO IN TO AS IM NO COMPUTOR WHIZZ OR IT WOULD BE PLASTED EVER WHERE POSSABLE KIND REGARDS MICHEAL BROWN

(AUTHOR’S RESPONSE)
Donald Blake:

I actually agree with you completely. I didn't write the article with the aim of attempting to change the mentality or coping strategies of those of who have had similar experiences to my own.
To the contrary; knowing many such people I find that when I speak to them about societal perceptions, a common theme is that we have often found that the most difficult thing to deal with in later years is the inability to speak about our experiences without feeling like an outsider or making others uncomfortable.
My article is based upon the rationale that if the public become more aware of this, then in turn the victims will gain a greater sense of empowerment by being able to discuss their life events without feeling socially alienated.
I speak of 'victimhood' as a social construction: in that yes, one is a victim of a horrendous crime, and empathy is a must, but that as time passes, we need an ear of understanding- not sympathy- to avoid feeling as though the perpetrator still has a level of control over our emotions.
Never would I suggest that anger, tears or anything else is inappropriate or unwarranted- I have been there, and was there for a very long time. At no point would I attempt to detract from this. Recovery is an extraordinarily long process and unique to each person and for most, comes in waves. I certainly didn’t get to the point of feeling comfortable placing a name and a photo to such an article overnight, but I hope that by doing so, I am offering a degree of insight into an issue with which the public are often too cautious to confront. My intention is that if people feel more comfortable and informed then we (who have exoerienced such crimes) can too.

I hope this offers some clarity.

Regards,
Kathryn Daley

To Micheal, I truly hope that one day you feel some sense of justice, your story is not one that is easily shared and I appreciate that you have. Best wishes, Kat.

In William Ryan’s critique of the "Blaming the victim" ideology he states that such approaches in practice -

"...attributes defect and inadequacy to the malignant nature of poverty, injustice, slum life, and racial difficulties. The stigma that marks the victim and accounts for his victimization as an acquired stigma, a stigma of social, rather than genetic in origin. But the stigma, the defect, the fatal differences - though derived in the past from environmental forces - is still located within the victim...It is a brilliant ideology for justifying a perverse form of social action designed to change, not society, as one might expect, but rather society's victim."

o Ryan, William. Blaming the Victim. Vintage, 1976

It's one thing having been a victim, and suffering any distress or struggle in over coming such an experience. It's quite another to have had no experience but, communicate, to act out the perception of a victim. For the actual victim of crime it is experience not identity. For the other it is identity not experience. We shouldn't confuse the conditions, nor encourage the concept as being justified or equal to the event.

It's interesting that you chose to relate your story here, so soon after the stories that Bernie has related; those victims of abuse being subjected to criticism from some for the 'victim mentality'.

I have to say that like Kevin I have the utmost respect for the way you both have coped and handled your appalling traumas. I have done much the same.

It does not however, reduce the immense compassion I have for those who have not recovered from their abuse. I WISH they could do what we have been able to do. I wish this because to me the abuser continues to abuse by virtue of the memories.

I will NEVER allow that. Neither have you Kathryn; neither has Kevin. We are the lucky ones.

I suspect a lot of the intolerance towards 'victim mentality' is caused by the 'band-wagon' effect. EVERYONE has become a victim; counselling is now offered, and; FAR more importantly is pushed as absolutely necessary for situations that though temporarily traumatic should have no reason to cause an extended period of of emotional damage.

It seems to me that in many situations this is feeding the trauma, rather than alleviating it. Still, I accept that the counselling profession has to make a living......

I KNOW this hinges on where one draws the line. 'One man's trauma is another man's......etc.," But counselling is becoming necessary nowadays for a broken fingernail!

Is this the reason we are less tolerant of those who are unable to transcend some awful experiences as children?

I don't know, but I suspect it is.

Thank you Kathryn for showing that it is possible for healing to occur. You were fortunate that you did not keep your abuse secret and you had a good mother who validated and helped you, plus received therapy immediately. For those of us who are many years later (in my case 53 laters from the first rape (when I was 8))finally breaking the silence and speaking out, and especially for you Michael, I would recommend making contact with MAYUMARRI, a safe place where victims of childhood abuse, who have lived through it, so must be congratulated on their courage to survive this far, can continue on their healing journey. Mayumarri holds week long healing weeks in several States. It is affordable for anyone who needs it. Their website shows all details.
Michael, I spent many years working with Dept. Community Services in NSW. I WAS PRIVVY TO DETAILS OF OCCASIONS OF ABUSE BY STAFF OF CHILDREN IN THE GOVERNMENT INSTITUTIONS. AND ALSO BY FOSTER PARENTS WHO RESCUED ABUSED CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES OF ORIGIN WHERE THEY WERE initially ABUSED.
MAYUMARRI will help you in advocacy issues for achieving justice for yourself too. Please try the site, at the very least. I attended two healing weeks last year. I AM GLAD THAT I HAVE BROKEN MY SILENCE AND I LOOK BACK ON A BLIGHTED LIFE BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD MOTHER AND THE SUPPORT THAT KATHRYN GOT FROM AN EARLY AGE.
CHILDHOOD ABUSE IS THE NO. 1 KILLER OF AUSTRALIANS AND WHEN VICTIMS ARE UNTREATED AT THE OUTSET, THEY CANNOT ACHIEVE THEIR POTENTIAL. MANY ACTUALLY VICTIMISE OTHERS. CONTINUE TO BREAK THE SILENCE!
Patricia O'Keeffe

donald blake did you completely miss her point?

Firstly, you put words in her mouth by inferring that she suggested that Victimhood would interest women who had been raped. She never said anything like this let alone belittled them. Hers was an attack on social misconceptions that can't recognise that victims of rape are more than one dimensional- she certainly does not see them as such.

"In your particular case, you will always be a victim of someone else’s shameful actions"- This is the attitude that she is seeking to argue against. Yes, she can never take back what happened but I wouldn't imagine anyone would forever want to identify themselves as a victim of someone else.

"the article reminds me of the pull-your-socks-up diatribe pushed onto the mentally ill"- did you miss her paragraph of:

"I do not take away that sex crimes, incest and child abuse are abhorrent, but merely suggesting that childhood trauma doesn’t determine personality. My mother endured my maladjustment. She tolerated my violent outbursts and held me through my tears. I mention this as I do not want to be seen to be trivialising these events. I do not want anyone to think that any sort of reaction is over the top or that I can sit here and write that victimhood is a “choice” and it is that simple" ?

You said: "Not being able to cope very well is not a crime"- I think she made it pretty clear that she went through suffering and trauma and doesn't seem to feel bad about that or that she should be ashamed of it, shouldn’t we be happy for her that she is no longer suffering?

It's like you are angry at her for not fitting the perception that you think she should fit. Really what the point of her article was trying to change I think

Well done Kathryn.
My story is similar in some respects, but I kept it well hidden for many years and was under pressure from all members of the family to keep it hidden. When I finally could bear it no longer and told, I was ostracised permanently by the family. Like you I also fought against the 'victim' status that seemed to flow from the assaults. I joined a group called 'ASCA' to try to deal with the effects but found them continually dragging me down to the status of victim, combined with a dose of 'putting it all in the hands of the Lord'. None of this was helpful in trying to break away from victimhood; in fact I thought it only helped in wallowing. I am aware of the good intentions that such a group has, but the psycho-social basis seemed to me out of kilter. I left, and have been dealing with it on my own, to varying degrees of success. But like you, I found when I did tell anybody, the whole dynamics of relationships changed, and again, I was placed in a victim category. The need is for more than this. And would require a whole article more!

Bravo Kathryn.
Your story is powerful, personal and honest.
The courage to speak out and refuse to be shamed into silence is a powerful weapon against those who use silence as a cover for their behaviour.
It is interesting how those who have their personal power taken away from them - via abuse or social stigma or violence or crime - are often overcome by shame, yet the perpetrators, at least until they are caught, if they feel anything, probably feel a sense of power and control. The practice of wholesale rape in war and the pervasive silence that almost always accompanies it comes to mind as I write this. Only now are we hearing about the wholesale rape of the women of Berlin at the end of WW2, for example. That's one hell of a long silence.
Shame is corrosive, it destroys lives and hopes and potential - sometimes for generations. Through your story you model how shame can be both rejected and healed, please keep telling it.

Kathyrn: Thanks for your response.

Micheal: Look after yourself - don't let what they did change how you feel about yourself. You are very brave to come forward - it all helps. Kathryn's words were especially sensible.

Scorpion: I pretty well hold to my posts. I thought that, if you'd read my posts properly, you'd understand that, for me, the word victim doesn't hold the usual connnotations - or, if like, stigma -that most people attach to it.

A victim is a person who has been wronged - I agree with Kathryn that it is not, or should not, become their main identity. However, it will always be an aspect of their make up.

I want the stigma moved back to the wrong doer. That's all.

Articdog says: "But like you (Kathryn), I found when I did tell anybody, the whole dynamics of relationships changed, and again, I was placed in a victim category…”

Why did the whole dynamic change? And what's wrong with acknowledging something bad has happened to you? I don't get people who reject others because someone has harmed that person. Being a victim is no crime, turning your back on a victim is callous and ironically only contributes to the victim’s victim status.

Victim (with all it's connotations) is where someone becomes bound almost crippled by self-pity, resentment, depression, low self-esteem, passivity, rage, live in a memory, etc. I don't think that is a crime just an unfortunate consequence of a crime. However, for some reason society seems to want to hold the victim in that state. If the victim works through and doesn't behave as expected, society seems to think that he or she loses their victim status but only because they haven't really been harmed. This is wrong.

How does the victim, and the supportive friend, acknowledge and show the severity of the crime without being given victim status. All you can do is be authentic and honour your pain. It is not the victims fault but other people seeking some solace from the idea that things aren't that bad? I don't think that it is only coincidence that this attitude seems more so in sexual assault cases.

Part of the reason is also because people place the shame on the wrong person's shoulders in the first place. Articdog said that people placed her in the victim category when she told them of her troubles. The usual reaction to situation like this can be "you poor girl" rather than " how dare he harm you like that". The second reaction would suggest to me at least that we are placing the shame where it belongs and thus helping cut victimhood out of the dynamic.

Scorpion I haven’t put words into Kathryn’s mouth and she isn’t a victim who needs you to save her. You need to practice what you preach.