Dear Pelly,

I agree that we do have to take personal
responsibility for our private lives -
but what about people who for a
variety of reasons aren't able to do that -
much as they might want to?

When we returned from living in Los Angeles - we
moved in with my husband's parents. Life for
me became hell. When things went wrong it was
always, my fault. "You shouldn't use tissues
like that," they'd reprimand me. "They cost
money!" And when the toilet was blocked, it
wasn't because of the old plumbing, it was
because I used too much toilet paper.
"You shouldn't throw out bottles that aren't
quite empty!" they'd scold me, making me realize
that they checked my garbage.

And it got worse, and worse, and worse.
I had been used to doing things
my way, living in Los Angeles. I'd lived in a
progressive, exciting, and stimulating world.
Moving in with my in-laws, I suddenly found myself
in a blinkered, narrow environment, where things were
done only one way - theirs!

They saw the world in terms of black and white
with no shades of grey (or any other colour).
Both of my in-laws were simple,
extremely religious, narrow minded people. They
regarded me as being at the very least, extravagant,
and at the most, a corrupt influence on their only
child, their son.

My father in-law kept a book of "accounts." A little black
book in which he would record all of my "transgressions."

I had never experienced a dictatorial patriarch like
my father-in-law. My own father had been a quiet,
gentle man, an academic. Those years with my in-laws
nearly drove me around the bend. I still have some
of the scars today. Still, as the years flew by, and
after moving out of their home, my relationship with
my in-laws mellowed. I cried like a baby at my
father-in-law's funeral. And today, I look after
my mother-in-law with much love.

The point that I'm making - is that actions,
like constant put-downs, and criticisms, can have
an effect on a person's psyche.

I too believe that such a law would be very hard to police or prove, unless one had a recording of the verbal form of psychological abuse I suppose. These sort of recordings have apparently been brought up in court proceedings -eg from phone calls, or recording conversations in the home/office etc.

Perhaps an community service announcement or information segment on television or internet, as well as written information telling everyone exactly what constitutes psychological violence will assist people to seek help or leave the situation.

Both men and women are guilty of this psychological harm on each other and/or on children. A more extensive psychological violence awareness campaign may be the most logical first step to try before getting into the difficult policing of such behaviour.

My understanding of psychological violence would include behaviours such as:
name-calling or putdowns on a regular basis
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
threatened physical harm
stalking
intimidation.

I agree Foxy - psychological abuse would have an effect. Your father-in-law sounds like a control freak.

In my earlier statement I argued that where there are constraints on people taking charge of their lives for whatever reason supports could be put in place to aid that person becoming independent.

Some of the constraints could be cultural, religious (particularly cult communities), geographical isolation or economic ones.

Generally though, it is up to the individual to sort out what they are willing to bear and takes steps either inwardly (self-awareness or coping strategies) or pragmatically by leaving the situation.

It gets much harder if there are children involved of course, giving a reason for the abuser to remain in contact.