I understand and agree with many feminist grievances around domestic labour, emotional labour, safety, power, and the historical undervaluing of women’s work. The “mental load” is real: planning, remembering, organising, anticipating needs, maintaining family rhythms, and managing social expectations are genuine burdens.

But I think the public conversation is often too one-sided. Women’s invisible labour is framed as oppression, while men’s invisible labour is often treated as duty, privilege, or simply “being an adult.” Many men carry background stress around money, financial security, cars, repairs, insurance, physical risk, confrontation, pests, household safety, and being expected to stay calm or competent when others panic. These burdens are also gendered, but they are rarely included in the accepted language of “mental load.”

I also think some domestic and social standards are not purely necessary. Some are inherited expectations, fear of judgment, perfectionism, identity protection, or competition between women. Women may genuinely be burdened by these standards while also protecting that territory because it gives competence, identity, authority, and social power. Men can then be criticised for not “helping,” while also being placed in the role of helper rather than equal owner.

This matters because one-sided gender narratives can hurt sensitive young men. If boys mainly hear that men are dangerous, selfish, emotionally defective, or responsible for women’s suffering, they may absorb the message that maleness itself is suspect. Girls are told they can do anything; boys are often told what is wrong with them.

Is it any wonder misogynistic influencers gain traction by telling boys they are not inherently evil? They offer one true thing inside a nest of lies. The true thing is that boys deserve dignity. The lie is that dignity comes through contempt, dominance, or resentment.

Yet this phenomenon is so often called “toxic masculinity,” not feminist overreach.

A better conversation would recognise both women’s and men’s invisible burdens without turning either sex into the villain. The real question should not be “why don’t men help more?” but: what loads are each of us carrying that the other person does not count?