Could there be a connection between the secrecy about the anguish of miscarriage and abortion? Of course miscarriage and abortion are very different things – the former an unintended loss of a young child and the latter an intentional ending of an unborn child’s life.

But because there is enormous pressure in our society to regard abortion as no big deal, maybe that in turn places great pressure on women who spontaneously miscarry to try and downplay their anguish.

After all, if women are allowed to openly and fully grieve about the baby they have lost through miscarriage, what does that say to women who have deliberately ended their unborn child’s life? The woman who has an abortion cannot grieve for her baby because she freely used her “right to choose” to get rid of her “products of conception.”

So in order to try and maintain the illusion that no child’s life is lost when abortions are done, no one, including women who lose a wanted baby by miscarriage, can be allowed to openly express their grief.

Monica,
miscarriage is a dreadful experience.
If it helps, I gave my daughter and future son-in-law the advice to tell whoever they wanted when they found out they were pregnant the first time.
Some people voiced their opinion, as they are inclined to, about the good/bad idea of getting pregnant at that time in their lives etc...

But when that pregnancy ended the the devestation of miscarriage, they had the support of his employers when he needed time off to cope with his and her grief. Friends were able to give support at their loss immediately. I believe that they were pleased that they had shared their news early. (they now have 3 healthy boys).

Secondly, miscarriage is a spiritual time. One cannot ignore the loss of the growing foetus. They as a couple had a farewelling ceremony for thier lost child to be.

I do believe that misscarriage is unfortunately a hidden topic. Thank you for raising the topic and sharing your story of loss.

To the first poster, save your barrow pushing for an appropriate time and forum.
Aka (Grandmother)

Dear Monica,

I can't see how it would be an advance in our individual or collective lives for miscarriages to be "publicly discussed". This is certainly not because I think that miscarriages are "shameful, discomforting and best spoken of in euphemism". It is rather because for me, and other women I know, miscarriage is an intimate and personal matter that I would prefer not to share with the world on the same terms as Paris Hilton's shenanigans in the Sydney Morning Herald. You seem to have confused intimate with secret and secret with shameful.

It is true that reports of miscarriages do not regularly find a place on the front page of the SMH, but that does not mean that women are "silent" about their miscarriages. It does mean that I might only wish to share my sadness with my intimate companions, and I do not wish to have my grieving on display to the world (or at least that part of the world that reads the SMH).

I cannot imagine how you can argue that "our collective desire for silence may have actually increased over the past two or three decades" in this, or any other, matter. Quite the contrary, alas. I think it would actually be an advance if our collective respect for public silence had increased, as it might create a space within which we could grieve and cry in dignity. Think about the incivility of the press pursuing people who have had a family member die, with journalists at funerals demanding that people "break their silence", by telling how they feel about the death. This whole trope of "breaking the silence" is really old hat, but that's another question.

I don't tell the world (the press) my intimate feelings, but I have them and I talk about them. Public silence is not synonymous with silence as such.

Isabel, people do write and speak publicly about their losses and misfortunes all the time, and it is rarely regarded as undignified to do so. There’s a huge difference between being hounded by the press and deciding, for your own reasons, to speak publicly about a tragedy. There’s absolutely no reason why the latter should involve any loss of dignity, and the fact that you find the idea of speaking about miscarriage so confronting suggests that Dux is onto something.

I think GP has nailed the dilemma. The mainstream media has embraced the notion that procured abortion is morally acceptable, and generally for any reason and at any time of gestation. It’s difficult to rationally reconcile that position with the idea that miscarriage is a traumatic experience. Although I think Oprah, the Queen of “it’s all about your feelings” has managed to do so.

To aka, you need to learn not to be so sensitive.

Collette,
Do not mistake my compassion for a woman sharing the issues around her miscarriage as implying I am in need of toughening up. I must say that you are probably the first person to have said that to me, usually people assume that I am a tough old bird who would argue with the devil himself...

I would be more than comfortable discussing the issues you raise in relation to how a feotus is classified according the fate others have in store for it. I suspect that we would agree on many of these issues and if and when an article is presented discussing the discrepancies relating to the unborn child i look forward to it.

The issue raised in this article that most stood out for me was that Monica did not feel that she could openly grieve for her loss. I suspect that if she had wanted to draw the connection between miscarriage and abortion, she has demonstrated that she is more than capable of doing so.

Collette, rather than suggesting that I should not be so sensitive, I suggest that you try to learn to think of others feelings.

I look forward to reading your article on OLO outlining the links between miscarriage and abortion and how that plays out in people's lives