Helen,
Interesting article, but I was wondering how you would explain it to a child that is wrong to lie. This seems to be the main point of your article, yet you never actually address WHY it is wrong to lie?

Thank you for the comments on my article! I wanted to try to answer Grey’s question, but this is 350 words. First, I would try to show that you value truth, so don’t tell lies to a child or others. I was aiming to get at the importance of cultivating honesty (not just punishing lying), and to put that in the context of nurturing a certain type of character, rather than seeing it as a problem about following a list of rules. So eg a child needs to develop courage and strength to bear the consequences of telling the truth (think of George Washington & the cherry tree). And children need to develop courtesy and gentleness of character so that they can tell the truth without being boorish (eg in answer to "Does my bum look big in this?", maybe they could think of saying "Well I think it does, and I think you look more beautiful in the other dress" instead of, "Yeah, huge".) I wouldn't test children by asking them questions that you know the answer to and that you are fairly sure that the child will answer dishonestly -- when you do that, a child gets into early practice and habit of lying. Talking to the child about honesty (and other virtues) and what it involves is important. My son used to be worried about whether a joke is a form of lying, and there is a way in which talking about virtue makes a child more careful of what they do. And I would discuss what lying does to him or her. So I would say to the child that it is wrong to lie because it shows contempt to the person lied to, BUT more because it shows disrespect to yourself and who you are. If that sounds too hifalutin for a child, read them a story about someone who shows courage and honesty in difficulty, and then discuss that (the book Catkin is lovely for very young children). The parents in Supernanny almost never read to their children…. Does this scratch the surface?

I came across a SuperNanny booklet recently, which contained 67 tips for “taming your child”. Unfortunately if someone reads the whole booklet, they will probably be none the wiser, because so many of the tips are the opposite to each other.

Eg this method of child discipline:-
“When the child behaves badly, remove her from the room. If she comes back into the room, don’t pay her any attention”

Now this is somewhat contrary to the following method of child discipline:-
“Hold your child by the arms so he can’t run away or interrupt eye contact. Say, “Look at me, please” if he tries to run away.”

Overall, I think Jo Frost more of a TV celebrity, than an authority on child-raising.

It is perhaps a little sad that we (collectively in this forum) cannot enjoy the simple observations in a piece such as this without turning it into some celestial battle between the forces of good and evil.

Listen to yourselves:

"Does omitting part of the truth give me an unfair advantage over the other person?"

"If I believe my delusions and denials do they become my reality and therefore truth?"

"Postmodernism claims there is no fundamental truth, and reality differs for each one of us, so form takes precedence over substance. Yet deep down many of us we still want to know what the real truth is"

Surely, what we are talking about here is not rocket science? Children tell lies when it suits them to do so, most often when there is a prospect of punishment if the truth were to come out. It is one of the basic responsibilities of parents to instil in their kids an awareness that this is wrong, and unacceptable behaviour in both children and adults.

Of course they will try it on. Of course they will begin to notice that politicians lie. And of course, from time to time they might catch their parents in a lie. There should surely be as little excuse for lying to your children as there is for them lying to you - so face up to it, and take the punishment. Nothing destroys trust more quickly than hypocrisy, and in order to instil values you need to nurture trust.

Let's face it, as far as a child is concerned, you start off with their complete trust, and an aura of absolute infallibility. That's what gives you the means of persuasion on moral and ethical issues.

Pericles, I'm not quite sure what you are getting at. It seems as if you don't think the discussion is relevant. Am I misreading your post?

Part of the discussion is about the concept of truth vs lying/dishonesty. This seems fairly relevant to the article.

How do we go about instilling a love of truth in kids that will be useful to them when our absolute word is no longer good enough?

How do we teach kids balance so that they don't feel compelled to blurt everything just because someone asks? I still struggle with this a bit.

How do I help my son deal with the reality of his life in that he has two parents no longer together who need some privacy from each other? I can do my best to ensure he does not know things I don't want his mother not to know and I can avoid asking questions he should not have to answer. Sometimes that still leaves him in places he should not have to be.

Helen's article has promoted some interesting discussion. So far it has been a fairly friendly discussion. It has not polarised into us and them groups but rather a pleasant change of thinking. If only more of the threads worked like that.

R0bert

Thanks for another interesting article Helen. I think "supernanny" is using her own version of behaviour mofication. From my experience behaviour mod does not teach understanding about the consequences of behaviour. Surely we want our children to understand the reasons behind our challenges? Surely we don't want to rear little robots?
Cheers Kay