What a superbly reasoned suggestion, Michael.
We have it in our owns hands to control this societal scourge by forming the Department of Sexual Relations, perhaps headed by Fred Nile.
The nation could soon return to a state of high economic growth by removing the myriad of negative medical outcomes which you list.
A more rigid approach to sex is definitely called for.

I'd be wary about posting satirical articles like this around here, Dr. Keane. Some of our nuttier Tories are likely to take this suggestion seriously.

The author obviously has problems with public health authorities. His resentment must be due to issues he has at work. This kind of sarcasm is not the way to fix his problem.

There is a lot that can be said in support of this issue. Too much energy is expended for no socially productive purpose as it is.

Perhaps, on marriage, all partners should be micro-chipped. The question is: where to put the chips.

Just trying to help.

Joe

Wild wild women? That's just a figment of an overactive imagination? There is no such animal!?

Men who respond to erotic stimuli as just a natural reflex have no actual control of their natural reflexes; and the best marriage is one where the"natural" sexual appetite is the same or stronger in the female!?

Just not to the point which has him climbing up a ladder and on to the roof then pulling it up after him?

A different take on not tonight Josephine, I'm the one with all the headaches!?

That said there's a couple of inherently serious sayings I should share. The irish say a woman happy in bed is a woman happily wed.

The Chinese say happy wife equals a happy life.

A good healthy sex life is fundamental and prerequisite to a successful relationship, so is fidelity.

Even so, to coin a phrase, if the laundry isn't done at home it needs to be taken out.

Intercourse needs more regulation?

Well we don't need it shoved in our faces at the usual street corner!?

Perhaps it could be regulated into existence for those not getting any?

Good sex is a beautiful thing but not as half as nice as the natural affection that goes with it!?

Birth control?

Try buying a TV and leaving the lights on!

It works a treat when he/she has a face only a mother could love or like the north end of a south bound camel!

Or a body like a blimp/zeppelin?

And slam bam thankyou mam, is only exceeded by buzz whir thank you sir.

We can get just a bit too serious/precious about the most natural act in? the world!

I think over regulation needs to be replaced by a bit more of, say what you mean, mean what you say!?

Oh how we danced on the night we were wed,
we danced and we danced, because there was no bed. Rhrosty.

While I do realise that this is satirical, it very closely resembles the legal and social thought in many religiously guided countries that shall not be named...

Unfortunate but true.

It's why womens rights in many of these countries are so medieval.

Yes the scourge that is sex is but one symptom of our sick, twisted, tight, moist society, enamoured with meat quality centrism.

And then there is wrong hole syndrome.

Don't get me started!

Plantagent I

Masturbation is a pleasurable activity which can be enjoyed alone or in company. It relieves tension, is an adjunct to pleasurable fantasies and does not transmit disease as is the case of sexual activity involving contact with others. Art forms such as drawings, photographs, film and literature contribute to the enjoyment of masturbation. Masturbation can inspire these creative art forms. In fact masturbation can be an art form in itself.

Masturbation has its place in philosophy. When scolded for masturbating in public, Diogenes said "I wish it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly." Diogenes was a free spirit who showed his disregard for convention by masturbating in public.

A complete education should include include an appreciation for and an instruction in the techniques of masturbation.

So where is runner? This is right up his alley.

Not satire is it runner. Its your wetdream fantasy isnt it?

Who knows what this author is on about? He could be talking about anything and just using sex as a metaphor.

It does not really matter what his problem is his approach to it is very childish. Using sarcasm is the resort of someone who does not have a good argument or who does not have the courage of his conviction or cannot accept the decision of an umpire. This article is more like a tantrum that a reasoned appeal for understanding.

Using a public forum for this kind of behaviour is an insult to all who come here to discuss real issues of importance. How can we discuss any issues he may genuinely have if we do not even know what they are? If he does not want to spell it out then he is obviously trying to hide it.

It is not satire. Satire at least makes a point and you know what the satirist is really trying to say. I for one have no idea what this author’s problem is.

As this is a subject that holds little interest for me these days - as usual, I ignored the advertisment slap-bang in the middle of this article exhorting me to hook up with "Beautiful Russian Girls" - I decided not to read it. I also found it hard to believe that the Social Democrat could be serious.

So, I read the comments; and I don't know if they were serious either. Particularly the one from David F, although his does seem true to character.

Good contributions have been thin on the ground, lately, and this one does nothing to relieve the situation.

To those blokes willing and able, I would ignore this stuff and investigate the Russian girls.

Phanto: something like a portnoy's complaint?

Which encapsulated goes thusly, a dear old lady living near a busy port, took a policeman to task about all the unusual noise coming from a port busy mostly during the daylight hours; asked, "what is all that terrible noise"?

"They're holding a policeman's ball", replied the ever obliging Bobby.

"Well I wish they would just let it go", replied the old dear, "and maybe a body could get some sleep"!
Rhrosty.

This is so good in so many ways.

Posted by david f, Wednesday, 2 September 2015 10:16:05 AM

" ... A complete education should include include an appreciation for and an instruction in the techniques of masturbation. ... "

..

Dear David,

" ... Wakey, wakey, hands off Snakey! ... "

I am pleased to confirm that at least in the realm of Disability Services in W.A. that there are some clients who fit the profile of needing to be taught how to masturbate. And they are taught. At least, this is what I was told by a social worker who works in the area.

//Masturbation is a pleasurable activity which can be enjoyed alone or in company. It relieves tension, is an adjunct to pleasurable fantasies and does not transmit disease as is the case of sexual activity involving contact with others. Art forms such as drawings, photographs, film and literature contribute to the enjoyment of masturbation.//

Onanism is a fine thing indeed. So is pornography, unless you belong to the religious right in which case it is the work of the devil. Curiously, a certain sub-set of feminists make almost exactly the same argument.

Maybe we should have 'prudist colonies' and 'prudist beaches' as a counterpart to nudist colonies and nudist beaches: places were feminists, religious nuts and other prudes who think that porn is icky can congregate in a smut-free environment.

The best word on this subject comes to us courtesy of Tom Lehrer, in a song that is about 50 years old:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaHDBL7dVgs

'Who needs a hobby like tennis or philately?
I've got a hobby: re-reading Lady Chatterley.'

Sheer genius.

Yes we know its attractive to those sold into slavery to have sex with everything that moves. The Singer type philosophers who are happy for young girls after sleeping with multitple guys topping themselves and for teen pregnacies to increase ( you can just murder the child). MOre promotion of porn, more acceptance of bestiality, more acceptance of child brides, more promotion of homosexuality, yep it sits well with the perverted minds. As long as its not my wife or daughter eh!

//So where is runner?//

There he is: a bit off-cue, but as predictable as ever.

I love our runner. He's as predictable and as consistent as the rising of the sun. When age and infirmity catch up with him and he can't share his thoughts with us any more I'll miss his offensive and objectionable posts. I hope he's like the Phantom, and can achieve a sort of immortality by having his eldest son take the runner oath when he dies: 'I swear to devote my life to the destruction of fun, freedom, and a non-literal interpretation of Genesis, in all their forms, and my sons and their sons, shall follow me'.

David f's treatise on masturbation is like Dali's on farting.

Methinks it a waste of instruction telling someone how to masturbate, like telling them how to suck eggs.

Glad to be able to contribute, now where was I? Ah yes, filling out my application for a masturbation license.

G'day runner

Your advocacy of "MOre promotion of porn, more acceptance of bestiality, more acceptance of child brides, more promotion of homosexuality"

is surprising if not disturbing for my virgin ears.

I say a good man shouldn hold [onto] his piece on such matters.

Poida de la Schlong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpS31FJO8_o

Posted by Luciferase, Wednesday, 2 September 2015 5:40:25 PM

" ... Methinks it a waste of instruction telling someone how to masturbate, like telling them how to suck eggs. ... "

Well, surprising as it may seem, and as I recall, the particular client in question (who was also a sh!t eater - seriously) had a profound intellectual disability. And, his social worker had noted on numerous occasions that his behavior was highly suggestive of a deep seated urge to get his rocks off.

(I'll leave further details to your individual imaginations)

Following authorisation, and now that I think about it the tale a bit more, it may not have been his social worker who provided him instruction, but rather that his social worker arranged for a sex worker to come in as an expert consultant. ;-)

..

Aah, I take off my hat to the depth of commitment and professionalism of the Disability Sevices Team in question.

Hi Runner,

You assert that " .... its attractive to those sold into slavery to have sex with everything that moves .... "

You are aware that being sold into slavery is usually involuntary ? That it's happening every day under ISIS, in THEIR literal interpretation of THEIR Nut-Book ? Barbarism, it seems, can happily co-exist with being ultra-religious, and the current tragedy shows what depths people can sink to in the name of their god.

Hi Toni,

He's still going, you know ! 88 or so: when is his next album ? Lovely bloke !

Joe

88? Fcuk me.

A very favourable auspice if you follow Chinese numerology. But our runner probably thinks Chinese numerology is the work of the devil, bless his little heart.

Hi Toni,

Unless you're a healthy-looking thirty-year-old, no thanks :)

Joe

Up in the belfry the old verger stands,
Pulling....."

Well, I prefer to think this author is serious on the subject of sex and public health.
I remember some time in the past, while living in a housing estate at Mount Druit, a neighbour confided to my wife at the time, how alarmed he'd become at the incest rampant on the housing estate.
He began to relate a very involved story to my wife, one which she found impossible to fathom. She requested the neighbour write out the story for her, so she could study the thread of it slowly in detail.
Coincidently, while cleaning out some old files in the corner of our garage in North Sydney, I came across the missel....

I was married to a widow, who was pretty as can be.This widow, had a grown-up daughter,who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law, and really changed my life.

Now my daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad, and so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For, if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother of the widow's grown up daughter, who was of course, my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run, and he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother, because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.

Now, if my wife is my grandmother, I am her grandchild, and every time I think of it, heh! Nearly drives me wild.

Cause now I have become, the strangest case you ever saw, as husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpaw.

It really did, it happened just that way!

Dear Toni Lavis,

Onanism is not masturbation. Onanism is coitus interruptus. Onan, according to scripture, did not fulfill his obligation to impregnate his brother's widow but withdrew and spilled his seed upon the ground. One can appreciate the significance of the name by noting that Hebrew is written from right to left. Onan becomes Nano, and sperm are tiny.

Well, I for one read this as satire, phanto.

>>It is not satire. Satire at least makes a point and you know what the satirist is really trying to say. I for one have no idea what this author’s problem is.<<

The point that I imagined was being made, was that you could substitute "sex" with, for example, alcohol or smoking, and the treatise as a whole would be representative of every bureaucratic interference that we happy citizens suffer, every time the Department of Fun decides we are enjoying ourselves too much.

Every justification used in the article is entirely recognizable as one employed by the interfering busybodies who so lack a life of their own, they feel the need to prevent as many others as possible from any enjoyment whatsoever.

And the article has so little to do with sex itself, that many of the comments it has elicited are themselves just a little hilarious.

Hi Pericles,

Watching 'Utopia' last night, it struck me that what is desperately needed - before it is too late - is some sort of Organising Authority for Sexual Monitoring.

The tide of filth is washing around us - wherever one looks, one sees its influence. Even in our greatest monuments - what is the Sydney Harbour Bridge if not the covert depiction of a young woman's breast, recumbent ? The Sydney Tower ? That needs no lurid explanation. And as for the Opera House, the mind boggles.

And it's not confined to art or architecture - plumbers regularly talk disgustingly of male and female parts, and of nipples. Significant elements in maths include the sine and cosine curves, and bell curves, clearly designed to pervert young minds. Even fruit is grown, bananas, zucchinis and peaches for example, which have been secretly designed to resemble body parts. When will this depravity end ? When will decency raise its head ? How can we separate the twin smooth pillars of perversion and feverish delight ?

I'm not the only one. Already, in Hughenden, an Assembly for Restraint and Decorum has been holding preparatory meetings for some sort of national action, to protect our younger people from lives of pleasure and depravity.

I'm proposing to initiate People United against Sexual Harm - which all this is obviously doing - to help set up such an Organising Authority. Our combined slogan will be "PUSH HARD for OrgASM". I certainly hope that gets up and is spoken of enthusiastically in every bedroom in the country.

Pericles:

Perhaps you are right and it is satire but what is the point? What are we meant to discuss? What is the target of his ire?

There is already many posts seriously discussing sex policy but what if he is actually talking about drugs policy which would be in keeping with his bio? Surely, if you have an axe to grind and it was important enough to spend time writing an article you would make it clear what your problem was . Everyone seems to be trying to be constructive in their arguments but may be way off subject. Confusing your readers and wasting their time will not really endear them to your subject whatever it is.

If he is just having a whinge about the incompetence of bureaucracy in general then what does that achieve and what is he telling us that we do not already know?

Hi Joe Loudmouth

For a moment there I thought you were proposing People Undermine Sexual Satisfaction and Yodelling

But I'm glad you did not plunge in.

Hi Pete,

I've always enjoyed yodelling, especially with someone who plays the flute, they go well together, so I think I would love getting into PUSSY.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Joe
Hughenden QLD

The piece was published under the OLO heading of Humour and Satire, phanto.

>>Pericles: Perhaps you are right and it is satire but what is the point? What are we meant to discuss? What is the target of his ire?<<

The "point" of satire is... satire.The discussion, if there is any, would be whether it hits its mark or not.

I think it does. You think it doesn't. That's fine, too.

The problem arises, pericles, when the message of the satire so closely resembles an actual viewpoint that it is mistaken as being serious.

This often happens when the commentator has no idea how extreme and screwed up many of their audience's opinions actually are.

Most of it could have been written by someone from the American religious far right, and I am pretty sure they wouldn't be joking.

The number of comments on this thread suggests to me that there are many worried people out there who are looking for light relief.

As the financial and political world collapses around our ears why not have a laugh?

Of course, humans copulating is not really funny. Indeed, it is rather bizarre and messy when viewed unemotionally.

Anyway, bonk all you like because eventually it becomes rather boring especially for women. They yawn and claim headaches or say your snoring is driving them crazy and move to another bedroom.

Regulation is not the answer. The gays may have the answer temporarily!

Oh Davy G

Have faith mate. There are horny gals out there. Just gotta drive ya Ferrari to a hot night club, tell um about ya big detached 4 bedrom house and costly hobbies

and wave ya wad

of cash.

After 50 (or long before?) most women are as materialist (umm "financial security minded") as the rest of us :)

Well explained Pericles, although it is embarrassing that you had to.
Quite a well thought out satire and I don’t think there would be any American Evangelicals who might mistakenly take it seriously.
I liked the availability hypothesis most.

I wish I could end off with some witty pun but I would be shamed by the best ones that came before me. (no, that’s not a pun)

Well, it should be observed from history, that the control and oppression of female sexuality results in very unhappy socities.

Look at all the human displacement and misery in the world caused by the obscene
7billion people on earth. Caused by men controlling female bodies and dictating the number of children in families. 14 children in Lebanon families seen in the last Israel conflict. a Syrian wanting to get into Europe with his 7children. Incidentally the revolt against Assuad was at its core,
motivated by the desperate economic plight of these big Muslim families.
A muslim woman in a documentary about the conflict in Syria told the reporter of the desperate struggle of their family to obtain basic needs
Hell a family in Europe orAustralia with 7children, let alone 14 children would really struggle financially. When are these male leaders going to wake up that it is their
Sexual control over female bodies that is causing their problems. They have the
Complete arrogance and ignorance to think Europe should be obligated to save them from this poverty of their own making.

As you may realise from what I say here, that I do not agree with any control over female sexuality or wombs or any repression or covering over of women.

Their needs to be a curfew where men must be forced to stay indoors whilst women go out and do their shopping etc. without being accosted by the sexually rapid twits.
Instead of women being forced to wear black sheets.

Why do I keep getting those infernal ads in the side-bar for beautiful young women ? And constant emails selling Viagra ?

Not before time, the organs for decency are being lubricated; at last people are standing erect for restraint: at a meeting on Friday, a prelude to enthusiastic entry into the struggle against smut and depravity, the various organs have come together to form one single body, united in passion for the cause: a single-minded PUSH-HARD for PUSSY-OrgASM. The dozens present felt instant relief after the successful climax of our coming, together.

The evening was successfully brought to a close by a demonstration of yodelling in unison by three enthusiastic couples. Many in the audience felt aroused enough to join in.

Joe

Just gotta rise to the occasion Joe

And don't go out with Maria Sharapova - all that noise and might be a crushing experience https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_PA0w6ca-g

:)

To Cherful,

I do appreciate what you say, but you do realise that the whole article was a SATIRE...... a joke to describe how ridiculous the arguments are that the public health activists use. Like the availability hypothesis.

No one is seriously suggesting that women's availability be restricted with curfews and burqas. It is SATIRE to show how irrational the availability argument is.

Good question, Loudmouth.

>>Why do I keep getting those infernal ads in the side-bar for beautiful young women ? And constant emails selling Viagra?<<

Ads these days are pretty much context-sensitive, in that they analyze your online activity, and serve up advertisements that they believe will interest you.

Does that make sense now?

Hi Pericles,

Like that pretty Chinese girl just above your post ? And, for some reason, a Russian girl in the side-bar ? And a different one yesterday ?

I think my email is getting hacked ! I'll have to complain to someone, in due course.

Thanks for the heads-up, so to speak,

Joe

When young off to Niagara.
When old take to Viagra
When very old no manna
Enjoy view of poinciana