So I was outside the building in which I work, enjoying a smooth, satisfying smoke when I was approached by an early thirties female displaying generous cleavage and an imposing clipboard. She politely asked if I would like to answer a ‘couple of quick questions?’ Naturally I responded how any self respecting male who should be working would: ‘Ok’.

Mistake. What followed was the most nauseating, moronic list of questions I’ve ever had the displeasure of not answering. First up:

‘Are you single?’

By itself, not such a difficult question, but clearly a disturbing indication of what may follow. The survey was apparently for a new dating agency, and I assume they were gathering statistics which would later be used to apply to personality types to create matches. However, I remain baffled as to what valuable information about my innermost feelings, desires, tastes and fears can be ascertained by asking:

‘What celebrity would you go on a first date with?’
‘On a first date, how long is it before you know if you are interested in the person? Straight away, 15 minutes, or the whole night?’
‘Are you more or less productive at work when you are in a relationship?’

This was my personal favourite:
‘Who talks more about themselves on a first date, men or women?’

By the way, my consecutive answers to these four questions went along the lines of:

‘...’
‘....’
‘Exactly the same.’
‘...’

Are we, as a society, so soulless, so shallow, so socially destitute, so hopelessly self conscious and egocentric that this is how we are supposed to view and operate within our social world? Asking and answering questions like these are supposed to reveal defining features of who we are? If so, I’m sticking with my bohemian network of friends with whom I share varying degrees of openness and closeness – it’s not a lifestyle for everyone, but at least we are in touch with that which makes us human.

And if I ever find myself on a 'date', remind me to kill myself.

Are you sure it was for a dating agency? It sounds like a Cleo article in the making to me.

If it is, my guess is stop reading Cleo and you'll be OK.

Come you jest! I came for a look thinking you would kick me for being amung those who run the place and the world not so.
But what a great chance you had! at such times my answers are crafted to totaly confuse the questioner.
Did you ask her for a date at the mud westling festival?
Or inquire if she thought threesomes are better than foursomes?
Pollsters have the total opersite answers to the ones I think after leaveing me! great fun.

The questions sound like the ones on Kyle & Jackie O on 2DayFM this morning (1/2/07)

NOt that I listen to it...

“And if I ever find myself on a 'date', remind me to kill myself.”

Aaaaaahaaaahahahahahaaaaaa. I love it !!

I got past the urge to do that sort of thing several years ago and have been very happily completely single ever since.

Maximised freedom mate… and minimized complications. You just can’t beat it!

Now I’m about to take the next step out of mainstream society, having just sold my house…. and soon to have no abode! I’m just gunna be a vagrant for a while…maybe quite a while. And because I’ve only got me to look after, I can do it with no problems.

This mainstream society stuff has got knobs on it. The pressure to compete with your neighbours or be seen to be keeping up with fashions or the latest gadgetry….STUFF THAT !! !!

I’ll continue to go bush as much as I can, study my plants, rocks and birds, lobby for environmental commonsense, and just stay the hell away from the soulless, shallow, egocentric (and I should add overweight, overconsumerist and underparticipatory in social, environmental and political issues) majority.

Cheers spendocrat

I think people who ask absurd questions like that deserve absurd answers.

Are you single?
I was born that way and I will die that way. (the real answer is no, but this is fun).

When was your last date?
Christmas day, it was in the cake.

Do you fantasize over famous people?
I am famous. They fantasize over me.

How much time do you spend with them?
I charge by the hour. Give me your address and I will send you a bill for the time. That will be $400 dollars per 15 minutes for a stud like me.

Are you joking?
I take Visa of Mastercard. My pimp is that man across the road.

Watch the cleavage and the clipboard run like the wind to the next mug. I'm not mainstream but I refuse to be treated like a poor old desperado.

I may not wear Prada, but I'm no handbag either.

Yeah, there's lots of hilarious things you think to say AFTER the fact, but at the time my mind fell entirely blank (which you would think would bring me down to the right level).

Yeah, the brilliant replies tend to come, on average, 7.5 minutes after they would have been considered a snappy retort.
Makes blogging seem more attractive.
A delay makes you wise and thoughtful, rather than slow off the mark.

That's why it's good to have a set of stupid answers to inane questions that you can drop off the top of a hat to a wide range of questions, with minimum modification.

To any weather query, you can respond with something like:

"Yeah, it has been hot lately. Mostly, I suspect it's those damn Chinese weather-satellites beaming our thoughts to high command. I think they have, like, an effect on cloud patterns or something."

To any given telemarketer:

"Tell you what - I'll buy one, but only if you shave my left testicle first. Just the left one though, my right one's kinda tender. I'm sure you understand."

To any given denomination that comes doorknocking wishing to proselytise:

"Well, if you file a request with god I'm sure I'll get around to considering it in 4-7 weeks. While you're at it, ask him to mow my lawn and fix the middle east."

(This also works admirably if you've ever worked in administration or customer service).

Written surveys are great, because you can take a little time and really mess with statistics. I suspect that's why according to recent censuses the Jedi Knight congregation in Australia has grown immeasurably. Either that or yoda's one badass preacher.

Yep, go for the Jedi - if enough people write it, they have to accept it as a legitimate religion.

The census definately is a whole bunch of fun.

spendocrat, welcome to the whitlam legacy modern australia.

I too have listed 'Jedi' as my religion in the Census.

May the Force be with us :)

The cleavage Yoda the answer he take not. The date for Vader a warrior we must not. Power detract his hand you must. Which was the dark side Luke? I forgot.

Yair! but how do you cope with those mainly Indian telephone callers who interrupt your evenings with their unwanted calls?
They are a bit hard to understand and by the time you have sorted out who they are ,they have [literally speaking] one foot in the door.
Is it permitted to declare open season on them?

Just repeat "I can't hear you". Hang up. Then put the answering machine on.

Interesting that American companies are ending their contracts with India and chosing Australian calling centres now. Too many complaints with Americans who can't tolerate their accents or their pushy ways.

So Australian companies, including Telstra move business to India. American companies have been there, done that, and are moving theirs to Australia as it is cheaper here than it is in the US.

Capitalism.

Yeah, I stay away from the mainstream too, its crazy.

I stay away from mainstream society because selfish, self-absorbed fools keep fouling the air I'm trying to breathe.

I think it is a shame that bohemia is being pushed out of Sydney by mainstream "first home buyers" moving whole families in new apartment complexes.

The rents have gone up by at least $15 in the last few months, and creative people, those on the fringe, those who are reclusive, have to find another paradise. Who far west do they have to go?

I thought of the following from the musical "rents". Its not the irritating theme song, I hate that one too...

La Vie Boheme A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4__iHlF4nI&mode=related&search=

What's wrong with being mainstream?? And what’s mainstream anyway, we all have different views on a wide range of issues, and probably like different things in life. The creation of mainstream culture is simply because lots of people react similarly to the same thing or have the same values. You are free to stay out of it, but there is nothing wrong with anyone finding the mainstream appealing.

People normally see things on their merit, and given most of you here appear to be socially conscious, how do you exactly effect change if you stay out of the mainstream all the time and disengage with the masses?

Saintfletcher your allusion to Indian call centers sound a little off the topic, which is on the supposed moral/intellectual vacuum that exists in the “mainstream” culture. The female interviewer was not described as having an Indian accent, and she is simply doing the interview for the $5 bucks she gets per interview. Don’t be so harsh…

“Are we, as a society, so soulless, so shallow, so socially destitute, so hopelessly self conscious and egocentric that this is how we are supposed to view and operate within our social world”

All this from someone bothering to ask for his opinion?

My life is neither soulless, shallow, socially destitute, hopelessly self conscious or egocentric. If someone were to ask me to participate in a survey I might, unless it is someone on the phone with an Indian accent trying to find out if I want an invite to a timeshare presentation.

I wonder, if you feel liable to kill yourself should you be in a date, how might your “date partner” feel about the event?

As for the mainstream. Hell, we don’t need you out here. The elitists only think they are better than everyone else, whereas what they really do is simply interbreed to keep the gene-pool of the mainstream unpolluted.

Col. Bit of fun. Chill.

GOKU.. mainstream ? :) myyyyy my.. I travel on the mainstream Monash freeway once a year during peak period to remind myself of my own sanity and the insanity of the 'mainstream' who endure that torture twice every day. Then I drive past the little boxes made of ticky tacky which all look the same.. and express a sigh of relief that I'm not in one of them.

But.. if rushing here and there and living at a frenetic pace floats one's boat.. hey.. up to the person :)

I'd invite Spendo to come and share my freedom but he has to lose the smokes first :)

SPENDO.. you reading there boy ? :)

Not at 7.30 in the morning, Boaz, geez...hardly any point going to sleep in the first place..

I'm often amused when trying to pin down precisely what 'mainstream' means.

I reckon everyone considers themselves to be outside of the mainstream.

I once encountered this guy who utterly embraced the mainstream. I asked him, "why would you?" to which he replied. "Because nobody else is."

That's either exceedingly inane or pleasantly ironic. You be the judge.

Good point - what is mainstream anyway. I guess it was a poor choice of word really. I certainly know what I identify with the term, but its down to your own perceptions as to how you interpret it.

All I know is that I share little of the cultural values that most people my age (the 20 to 30 demographic) indulge in. I have zero interest in the following:

reality television
celebrity gossip
the latest in mobile phone technology
'standup' pubs where drinks cost $86 each and you can't talk cause its so noisy (nothing better in the world than an empty pub)
credit card debt
acting wealthier than you actually are
crap music
ridiculous fashion
constant fascination with how men and women differ (wow, different. get over it)
cars
sport
pretensions
political apathy
self consiousness (which leads to a juvenile view of sex)
ego (which means more energy devoted to fitting in than enjoying life)
snobbery
self actualised relationship difficulties caused by the difference between *perceived* and *actual* parallels between idolised fiction and the real world
accepting a value system based on commercial culture as gospel
lack of desire to push the boundaries and test your limitations intellectually, physically and spiritually
created wants
measuring success in terms of wealth

...um, I could go on, because I enjoy complaining, but anyway. These are some of the characteristics I perceive to be part of the mainstream society in my age group. Nightmare, really.

"self actualised relationship difficulties caused by the difference between *perceived* and *actual* parallels between idolised fiction and the real world"

Ah. This explains why my attempts at donning a spandex outfit and fighting crime by night have failed so miserably.

Thwarted by reality. Dang.

Actually, the things that piss me off mostly about what I see as mainstream are some of the ones you describe (reality TV especially), but mostly an attitude that discussing anything remotely challenging isn't entertaining, unlike vapid matters (such as the aforementioned reality TV).

You could have summed up most of those things with one word spendo: STATUS

From which comes STATUS ANXIETY, which is the root cause of most of the symptoms displayed in consumer culture.

Like it or not, the obsession with status is fundamental in understanding most of our behaviour and has been with us since before humans became humans. While you may not buy into the "mainstream", consumer culture status displays, I am sure you have some of your own amongst your own group of friends. I am sure of this because you are obviously not a monk that has vowed to forsake all worldly possessions.

Hey, this thread could actually end up being interesting.

Tell me about it. You don't know depressing it was for me after failing to live my dream of becoming a pirate ninja pimp daddy robot astronaut millionaire.

And yeah, I agree with you on the other thing as well.

Funnily enough, research has shown that gossip and idle chit-chat is actually important in social networks. While you may think it meaningless to talk about "reality television" the very nature of the unscripted interactions makes it more appealing to a younger demographic who want to find out about how others perceive the same social cues and interactions. Discussions of this type are actually important in predicting the probable reactions of ones friends and associates to various situations. In the past, it was an important survival trait. In the present its vacuous nonsense to people who think that they have more important things to discuss.

(previous post was for turnrightthenleft, this is for bugsy)

Yep, you're about right I'd say. We all try to find our status in society, even if it is just amongst our own friends.

Those who follow the majority do so because it is the easy and safe option: you'll never find yourself on your own, and hey, if everyone else is doing it, it should get me by. And the best part: dont have to think too hard.

But there are also advantages to walking the road less taken (is that the expression? sounds wrong): you form closer bonds with the minority who share your perceptions, and you can create yourself a stronger identity through deeper analysis and critical thinking. The very fact that you aren't fitting in means you will find yourself asking more questions about the world around you, and in the process, hopefully finding more answers.

Yeah, but can you wear the latest fashions of Paris Hilton?

(I can't. I'm not quite open anti-mainstream enough to indulge in cross dressing. Besides, those damn hair extensions would look terrible on me.)

Bugsy - I see your point about discussing the trivial matters. Yes, of course, the trivial things in life tend to be among the most amusing. Of course, they have a place in everyday discussion - it is when it becomes nought but trivial that the rot sets in.

All things in moderation. Including trivial commentary.

But not reality TV. That's where I draw the line... okay, you can keep the Amazing Race, but only because it has interesting places. Aside from that, zip.