Jenny Craig has just posted the results of a survey of 400 people which, according to the press release comes to the conclusion that your partner can make you fat.

Apparently one in 10 women blame the bad eating habits of their partners for their weight gain, and 7% say their partner made them fat (not a lot of difference between the two figures).

Sounds like a bit of a cop-out to me, although I have had food problems in relationships. When I was married I weighed a couple of stone more than I do now. Part of the reason was that my ex sent me to work with a lunch that was about as large as dinner. But, when weight became a health issue (don't ask I still had a health BMI) I took control of my diet, and the weight dropped off.

Perhaps a little bizarrely, another relationship ran into problems because I insisted on eating too healthily, as a result of my previous experience. Mr partner had trouble adding her salt after the cooking, because salt in the cooking can promote hypertension! In this case I suspect I was making her thin rather than fat.

So I wondered how much a part food does play in the negotiations that occur in all relationships. Perhaps I just fall for food instransigents!

Why is the surname of "Mr partner" spelled with a lower case 'p' in the topic title Graham?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to fix such little irritations, as a poster? Others think so too. See: http://forum.onlineopinion.com.au/thread.asp?discussion=1954#40925

The seeming absence of feedback has been remarked upon in that Technical Support thread, "Suggestions for OLO". A summary of suggestions is contained in this post, for your convenience: http://forum.onlineopinion.com.au/thread.asp?discussion=1954#43279

Ditto for the current TS topic, "THE “What We Have Here, is a Failure to Communicate” POLL".

And what are "food instransigents" BTW?

Thanks Forrest, I've fixed the heading. And also thanks for the suggestions on your thread. Unfortunately, we're always battling to keep our head above water, so while I'll have a good look at your suggested improvements, I am not sure how many of them we will have the resources to do.

And perhaps we should correct headlines for everyone. But as I wrote the one above and didn't notice the misspelling, it's a good bet that is what generally happens.

I, too, claim that adapting my eating habits to fit in with my partner has made me fat. In my case my partner is vegetarian - and I eat their vegetarian food to fit in but I eat more to compensate for the missing protein.

Dear Graham,

It's just too easy I suppose, to blame
someone else for your eating habits.
Afterall, if you can't control your
eating habits in an attempt to "please"
your partner, what about balancing
the food you eat with adequate exercise
(even walking helps), and avoiding high
carb. foods in snacking.

Coming from a European background, I know
what it means to have a diet filled with
rich food. I had a mother who would feed
us until our eyes bulged, and her mantra
seemed to be, "Eat, eat, eat!"
"What do you mean you've had enough?"

Obesity, today, is regarded as an illness
for some people, as anorexia is for others.
The first step in getting over either, is
admitting that you're the one with the
problem.

"My partner made me fat?" Perhaps, but only
because you allowed it.

I think there's an element of truth to this blaming of the partner! Self discipline is a necessary driver to eating well and maintaining a lean body weight, and it's much harder to stay disciplined when your partner doesn't have the same commitment.

I don't have a lot of trouble when we're home, but I do find it an issue when we're out and particularly when we're on holidays. His natural preference is to order deep-fry or to buy some pastry-filled goodies from a bakery. It's not easy to stick to ordering grilled fish and buying salad wraps when his preferred, and enticing if not healthy, food aromas are constantly wafting around your head! As a result, I invariably come back from holidays having stacked on a few extra pounds!

I can't change him (and I don't want to) but I often wish he was as interested as I am in eating frugally. Fortunately, he does go along with what I buy and dish up to him at home, and his weight is probably better than it otherwise might have been as a result.

So, yes, I think partners do have an effect on how we eat.

My partner takes it as a personal affront if I eat less than her. She says it's like I'm saying she's a big fat pig. She even sometimes begs me to have a dessert so she can justify having one herself.

Surely this is a no-brainer. People pay extra attention to their appearance when they want to attract a mate, and often let themselves go when a relationship becomes stable.

Blaming one's partner is a bit rich, though.

The heading of this topic sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.

For 45 years I ate as much as I liked, of anything I felt like, & never gained a pound.

Now, as a clapped out old bugger, half a meal a day is too much, to keep the weight off.

I don't think any partner had, or has, much to do with it.

Too easy to blame someone else for what we stick in our own mouths.

I am in the same state as Hasbeen, for years and years I too was as thin as a rake but since hitting the big 50, have packed some on.

Too much going in relative to that used to get from place to place...

the excess has gotta go somewhere....

I put on a lot of weight when I was working on a field crew in the bush for three years. Three rich meals a day was too much for me as I was doing computer work, but I got caught in the rut of having all meals to fit in socially with the rest of the crew. (As they were mostly doing 10-12 hours per day manual work, the calorie intake was right for them).

So I can understand how people's environments can have an effect on their weight. After all, living with a partner is just another environment, with its own particular trade-offs, that needs to be negotiated.

Happily, there's been an amicable agreement in our household for decades. It's an agreement to mitigate our penchant for comfort food - don't buy it!

This very worthy agreement is because we completely lack any willpower! How on earth can one "save" some sticky date pudding for the next day!?

Now we are happy to satisfy our cravings with generous amounts of fresh or stewed fruits and occasionally, we use homemade stewed fruits as a conserve.

And coupled with healthy cooking methods the results: All healthy weights - I, a mere 53kgs.

However, friends have long been aware that when they "pop in" they will receive no more than a tea, coffee or drink. If we specifically invite them over, the household rule is temporarily breached and we gleefully "pig out."

The agreement is also breached if we eat at restaurants of course - we're not that stoic!

*She even sometimes begs me to have a dessert so she can justify having one herself.*

Hehe, I love it :)

.

Primarily we are of course all responsible for our own weight or what we put in our mouths. However, I guess I can see it could be more difficult, but not impossible, in a house where there was a great variance in food preferences. It would just need a greater resolve and extra planning.

My experience is that if you cook healthy scrumptious food the boring old fatty takeaway loses its gleam even for the most hardened fried food addict.

It's called anything in moderation. Also of course, don't stock your cupboards with the unhealthy options. I have diabetic over weight partner who has always eaten better than I do and yet I fight to keep the weight off (at least his beer consumption is dropping off now too lol).

One can have smaller portions when eating with your partner, and drinking water to help you keep more full. A lot of the time when people feel they are hungry, it is dehydration. Try drinking water first and if you're still hungry then have something to eat. Simple.
Another tip, an apple is just as good at 'waking you up' in the morning as a coffee (if you are caffeine conscious, it is worth a try).

I could blame my partner for eating wrongly but no one force feeds me. It is self discipline and having a lot of fresh produce in the house. It is time to get your body moving more. And it is worth it to feel good for the summer.

Come on JW, I doubt that it has anything to do with the lack or otherwise of a y chromosome. I'm sure I've got a Y chromosome and I've never been shy of looking after my health.

I think the reasons that men are less likely to police their health than women have to do with the work pressures that are put on them, combined with the risk-taking bravado that characterises many male social groupings - the sort of thing that turns drinking from a social occupation into a competitive sport. So you don't want to appear a sissy by being too picky about the risky behaviour you undertake, it might lower your score.

Another reason is that doctors are always running late, and tend to be most available during work hours. A combination of factors that means men are less likely to go to see one. I combat at least one of them by ringing up 30 minutes before my appointment to see how late the doctor is running. Makes the visit a little more manageable.

JW

"What is it about men and the way so many of them neglect their health?"

I've often pondered the same question. I'm sure there are many exceptions here on OLO, but generally speaking in my experience I agree that it is usually women who are more interested in looking after their health than men.

A few possibilities as to why this is so come to mind. In themselves they are each far too simplistic but when considered as a whole some of them at least have some credibility I think. It will be largely up to male posters I guess to let us know whether or not there is anything here of substance.

- Men intuitively dislike being told what to do and what not to do. An inbuilt stubborn resistance seems to kick in in response!

- Men often haven't done the same amount of reading on health issues and as such don't have the same level of awareness.

- From puberty, women become more tuned to the rhythms of their bodies. Menstruating, childbirth, breast feeding and menopause all add to this greater sense of the connectiveness between how we nurture our bodies and how they respond.

- Personal vanity is more societally ingrained into women and watching what they eat in order to maintain a desired body weight is something most learn to do from a young age.

- Looking after ones health is viewed by many men as 'wimpy' and something real men don't bother themselves over.

- Men have a less realistic estimation of their own invincibility and often believe that if they are physically active it doesn't really matter too much what they eat or drink.

- Traditionally, alcohol consumption is societally ingrained into men to a greater degree than it is in women. By the time men realise the damaging effect it is having on their health, it is often too late and too difficult for many of them to respond as they need to.

Continued

Now, US in particular, I have already prefaced this list by acknowledging its inadequacies. No jumping down my throat wirh accusations of sexism! Calm, rational discussion please. I'm just building on what JW put out there. I haven't set out to provoke.

To state the obvious:

The fact that men do the hard, physical things to the detriment of their health ultimately comes from their hunter-gatherer roots. In the very old days, it was the men who hunted animals and took the physical risks. But, then the risks were necessary as no food equalled starvation. It was the women who stayed at home, tended the fires and developed their nurturing side.

How is this relevant today I hear people ask. I think all aspects of our collective human history have always been embodied somewhere in contemporary society. We are part of a continuum of human experience that stretches back even to the primeval days. Some of the hunter gatherer mentality is still there in men's psyches.

So so right you are, RobP. My partner is very proud when on weekends he goes a 'huntin' and a gatherin'. His words. Also, when men shop for foods, it being more the rarity, they put in all sorts of 'treats' too. I only benefit more because my partner is the main cook (he loves to cook and well I am 'over it').

Men ought to be less ignorant about their health. And yes, the waits are the doctors' surgery does not help! What does it take to get them to do preventative care and live longer.

My partner will only go to a doctor if his prescriptions are out. His father had dropped dead of an aortic aneurism and states he ought to check his own. Does he. No. It frustrates me as I am SO the opposite.

Heart problems run in my family therefore I do everything preventative I can, as in supps and types of food and exercise. I have doctors visits to keep an early eye on it. Can I convince my partner.

I feel my partner will only do something when a real health 'fright' occurs in the way of some heart attack or a stroke. I tell him that. The non attendance to care is the part I think is most 'selfish' for the rest of the family.

Cakers

"The non attendance to care is the part I think is most 'selfish' for the rest of the family."

Spot on. This gets to me too. There are a lot of women who understand and practise preventative health and who should be able to lead an active and productive life in their old age as a result, but who will find themselves tied down to caring for a sick and ailing partner who hasn't bothered to take care of himself and is now dependent on her.

Yes, I know it's a sexist statement and a simplistic over generalisation, but I do think there's an element of truth in there too.