Rees, know that you are not alone. As Foxy just confessed and as do I. Living with an alcoholic is incomprehensible to those who never have. We've all cried the same bitter tears and wondered about the 'for better, for worse' what happens when there is a lot of worse?

Cuphandle, lovely words, but unfortunately communication only works when it is a two way street. Persons with alcoholic spouses have communicated until they're blue in the face and tried to be 'understanding' to the nth degree. Only the alchoholic themselves can decide they've had enough. It is not about 'weak willpower'.

Unfortunately, married alcoholics generally have soft landings when things go bad, because they have an enabling partner who picks up the slack and keep things going. Often becoming quite adept at keeping this shameful thing secret. My family for instance has no idea.

Speaking to your doctor as StG suggested can be a great starting point.

There certainly is also telephone counselling

Hi Rees

Those are wise and insightful words from Foxy and Cuphandle (both usually both wise and understanding)in particular, and like them, I wish you peace and wisdom. Are there other members in your husband's family who are or have been alcoholics? It has been established that there can be an "inherited vulnerability", for want of a better explanation, so if that is the case, how have they dealt with it?

If there is no Al-Anon in your area, do a bit of research on what IS out there for you. Relationships Australia is a really good start and they may have some idea of local resources. Do you have family who can provide support? If not, would you consider relocating to somewhere where there are some support networks available? And communication is really the key - if you can get to the motivation behind the problem, and what may exacerbate it. Thirty five years is a lot of loyalty, and you clearly don't want to walk away.

Also get your doctor to look at the effects on you; you may have reactive depression, which can be addressed with medication or other means if need be.

Death from liver failure is not pretty, and I have worked with people who have brain damage (Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome) from alcohol abuse and that's not pretty either. It is characterized by memory loss, amongst other symptoms, and if your husband is showing signs of this he could also have a Vitamin B12 (Thiamine) deficiency, itself a characteristic of alcohol abuse.

Do some research on local resources, starting with your doctor. What would happen if you threatened to leave if he doesn't stop?

Be gentle with yourself,

Nicky