I desperately need some advice. My mother has increasing lapses of memory - she gets muddled in conversations - I want her to be tested by her GP. She's totally in denial and refuses to go.

What can I do?

* Ring her/your doctor and talk to him/her about your concerns. (Maybe even make an appointment to do so.)

* I found a forum where one person attacked the same problem: "When mom had her next doctor's visit, I wrote a succinct and detailed memo to the doctor including all the changes and issues that existed. I called the office nurse and told her a fax was coming and it was time sensitive for the appointment. I faxed it and confirmed its arrival.

The day of the appointment, I managed to wangle my attendance with Mom.

After exam, because I had requested it in the memo, the MD found a "reason" why Mom needed a checkup by a neurologist. Same thing again. Faxed a detailed description of the changes in cognition and behavior prior to the appointment... In the memo, I was careful to highlight how Mom did NOT want to believe and how irritated she got when the subject came up and that I would rather, at this point, keep things at a very sub rosa level until there was a diagnosis. And then that diagnosis needed to be given by the MD and not family; BUT a family member needs to be present."

* This page — http://alzheimers.about.com/od/diagnosisofalzheimers/a/reversible.htm — explains what other conditions might present as dementia.

* Contact Dementia Care Australia ( http://www.dementiacareaustralia.com/ ) It looks like an excellent resource. Perhaps join their forums and ask others for advice.

Good luck Foxy. What a worrisome time for you. I hope all goes well.

Dear Vanilla,

I can't Thank You enough. I've earmarked the sites - and faxing the GP with my concerns and making an appointment - is what I'll do next.

I feel as if I'm walking on eggs at the moment - because as I said -
mum refuses point blank to discuss anything concerning her health with me.

She tells me to mind my own business.

But, I've got to do something.

Thanks again.

Stick to it foxy its good advice fear is maybe your mums problem it was with mine.
Maybe lucky it is not your dad we men die because we fear looking weak.
We hide our feelings for the same reasons and why? even I do not know but we do.
Macho man? well yes but maybe we should learn to care more for those we leave behind.
That great lady the ex Mrs Hawk had great times with her family once she found out , what a better way to go knowing others care so much.

Dear Belly,

Thank you for your support.

Mum is a very stubborn woman. She's been a fighter all of her life.
There's no way that she's going to accept what we're trying to tell her at the moment.

As Vanilla pointed out - I'll have to rely on her doctors - and simply be there for her.

My brothers are interstate - so I'm on my own - except for my husband.
But he's finding it difficult to deal with things at present.

Dear Foxy
as it stands now.. it might not be neccessary to force the issue of a consultation.
The danger is, if she is DRIVING or doing anything where a sudden memory lapse could result in danger or harm to others... my adopted dad had dementure (passed away already) and the symptoms emerged while he was driving a school bus of all things.. fortunately nothing really bad happened.

But bottom line, you have to assess the potential danger from the things she is doing now.. driving.. going off by herself.. potentially getting lost etc..

With dad is eventually dawned on him that he did have a problem.. sadly.. and things took their course.

There is also a very funny side to the condition, in the sense that sometimes the patient comes out with the most hilarious stuff that you wouldn't dream they were capable of. Dads 'thing' was "They're all idiots but us" :) man..I sure learned that one well. I tended to agree..and I recollect it often when I write here 0_^

We just have to embrace the totality of what they become as time passes until the final moment.
blessing

Im not in any way trying to be offensive Foxy...but you could take it to Jesus.
I attend pentecostal christian churches where theres moves of The Holy Spirit and healings. The pastor and the elders lay on hands in The Spirit and the restorations and freedoms come. Perhaps you might consider it for the future. After 25 years as a born again christian I find that prayer is the key to everything. It shifts everything from illness to addiction through to corrupt politicians.

Hi Foxy,

I just wanted to add one more thing about denial.

You can lose body parts and still feel yourself, but we are our memories, and when they start slipping, we start slipping. Faced with the *possibility* (remember, there's been no diagnoses yet and her lapses may still yet be a B12 deficiency) of an illness like dementia, denial is maybe the best approach.

Research shows that with people with advanced dementia — when they are having delusions that it is 1950, for example — are best indulged. People with advanced dementia can often think their children are their siblings (or even their parents). As I understand it, while it's terribly painful for those who love them, it is less painful for the person with dementia if you don't confuse them further and simply go along with it.

Basically, I'm trying to say that while it's difficult for you that your mum is in denial, and you need to get a proper diagnoses, it's a defense mechanism that she probably needs right now, and could be the best thing for her.

Foxy,

My thoughts are with you and your loved one.

Ask your GP or Specialist about Resperidone. Can help senile seniors, especially if they are inclined towaes agitation at times. I need to look into this for my father-in-law (89) too.

Don't be freaked-out by some of the drug's "other" uses relating to psychotics. It as many uses.

I can (and shouldn't give you any further details). It has been almost thirty years since I studied Neuropharmology and Behaviour in a Pych. degree at Sydney Uni. Ask a doctor. Don't assume your GP is a specialist.

Best wishes,

O.

Just a note for us all.I've been feeling a lot better since being on a course of vitamin amd mineral supplements.Don't forget omega 3and omega 6.You have to buy high quality products.New studies show that Ginko Biloba is just as good as some of the drugs used to maintain our mental capacities.Again it has to be high quality.

Do your own research on the net Foxy and don't just take advice from one specialist as being gosple.The new drugs and improved nuitrition can at a mininum,slow the process considerably.

I wish you and your mother well.

To All of You, a very heartfelt Thank-You for your advice.

I've taken everything on board.

I managed to get through to a Counsellor at - 'Alzheimer's Australia Vic.' who gave me some very sound advice - (more or less along the lines that you have been giving me).

The Counsellor, told me to ask my GP about 'Respedal' (?) and 'Aricept,' tablets.

I will be ringing my mum's eye specialist (Thanks David - for your advice) - because her eyesight has deteriorated - and she is still
driving - so that is a concern.

And I have made an appointment with her GP to discuss all these iissues,
aand get a referral for mum to a specialist - (to have her tested).

The Omega series of vitamins - sound like a good idea as well.

Again, Thanks everyone - for your inputs. They have helped me a great deal.

Just a last note: if it does turn out to be dementia don't get too fed up about it. I've written about Phyl (my mother) before. She got this hideous illness.

BD spoke about his father and yep! You just gotta see the funny side sometimes. In the early days sometimes Phyl would have periods of lucidity and we would shriek with laughter together at the things she had said or done.

Later though when it took over completely I would get some comfort out of talking with others who had been through it and we would do the same: - relate to each other the funny side. Its not disloyal (at least, I don't think so). They are in it with you and understand that you have to have a release valve.

Probably others are correct and its simply some easily correctable vitamin deficiency. If by any chance it turns out not to be there are many support clubs around and they really are helpful. Carrying what one could come to regard as a "burden" around on one's own can be debilitating. Besides, laughter releases endorphins which are healthy things and reduce your own chance of illness!

ps. Once, on an overseas flight Phyl (who always thought big anyway) was convinced that the CIA was after her and "jumped ship" as it were, at some stopover. I got a phonecall in South Africa to tell me that my mother was being chased around some obscure city with Interpol and the police after her and then I got a call from Phyl herself (aka Mata Hari at this stage) talking out of the side of her mouth and leading them a merry dance. Then I got a call from her minder who had long-distance hysterics over the phone to me. And THEN my youngest sicked up into the phone from my arms.

All part of life's rich pageant.

Dear Romany,

I love you guys - all of you. I don't know what I'd do without you.
This Forum has been a 'release valve' for me in more ways than I can ever say. And you've made me laugh, cry, and been there for me when it really mattered.

As far as mum is concerned - I'm afraid I can feel it in my 'gut' that it's not just going to be a 'vitamin, ' cure.

The signs are all there. It's just a question of getting it confirmed and going from there. One step at a time.

Romany, I appreciate your being so honest with me and opening up as you did. It helps me more than words can say. Thank - You.

I'm so grateful to you all.

Dear Foxy

Very sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds from what you say that there are several signs pointing you to think this way.

Just thought I'd pass on our family story as just another issue that might be relevant. A few years back my husband's father started to act strangely. He was becoming confused, wasn't remembering people and was uncharacteristically aggressive on occasions. The family were all of the conclusion after reading up and talking to his doctor that he was in the early stages of dementia. He deteriorated quite rapidly soon after us coming to this conclusion and ended up in hospital. It turned out that he'd been mixing up his medication and probably overdosing and maybe he was on some stuff he shouldn't have been on. I'm not sure of the exact details but the doctors sorted out what he was taking and he gradually came right again over a period of several days. He's with us to this day and not all that well but he doesn't have and never had dementia despite presenting with the symptoms.

I guess it's very unlikely that this would be the explanation with your Mum but thought I would pass it on just in case. This is turning out to be a testing year for you Foxy. But I can sense in you an inner strength and resourcefulness that I'm sure will help you through it. Love and good wishes.

Foxy, I don't have any helpful to say to you because the others have done an excellent job.

But I still would like to give you and your mother my very best wishes.
I hope that your mother will be accepting the diagnosis and willing to cooperate with any treatment/medication regime.

I suppose these times are the times when we have the opportunity to return all the love, the care and the patience that were once given to us as children.

Please take care of yourself as well as your mother, Foxy, during these hectic and what can be stressful times.
The carers are often forgotten, but it's important for them to keep up their strength and alertness.

Love and strength for you and your mother and all other carers out there.

Dear Foxy,

Everyone has offered such good advice. However, I would like to add something more. Depression or stress in the elderly can throw up false symptoms of dementia - you really need an expert to diagnose this.

Others have mentioned vitamins and such. Folic Acid is vitally important, indeed for everyone as they age. Research indicates that it has some positive effect on dementia. Check online for the information. There are a number of sites for dementia, Alzheimers, etc., but obviously a person has to be diagnosed by a professional.

We all sympathise with you; indeed, I suspect many of us fear getting this ourselves. Your mother is very fortunate to have someone who loves and cares for her as you do. And as others have stated, it is important that you take care of yourself.

Good Evening Everyone,

Well I've hit my first brick wall.

I made an appointment with my mum's GP and after being kept waiting for an hour and a half I was told that my mother's state of health could not be discussed without her being present due to privacy regulations, confidentiality et cetera.

I wasn't deterred and went ahead and explained my concerns anyway only to be told that I must bring my mother in with me next time, and
the matter will be discussed in her presence.

I asked for a referral for my mum to a specialist - again merely to be told that the referral could only be given to my mother - not me.

But I'm not giving up. I will now try to persuade my mother to let me
come with her to her next doctor's appointment - and take it from there.

Dear foxy

I am sorry to hear of your concerns for your mother espeically considering its important that you rest.

Here is the best thing to do if possible. Find someone you can trust other than yourself to talk with Mum. Someone she repects.

It is very true that little things can throw a older person out from a bladder infection to systems of Having head a Minni Stroke

Yes your need a specialists appointment. The specialist should firstly do a blood teast than a brain scan to see if there are any your mother had a mini stroke. TSI

Contacts your local hospital by phone. Ask for the to put you through to the aged care assesment team.

Once you get through insist on speaking with the person incharge.

Ask them to assist you by doing an assesment of your mother.

Mums and Dads basically co operate better with outside help.

Try to stay out of it but if you can not.

Your free to email me so I can arrange to get you the help you need. Its too hard on here.
info@livexports.com

Dear PALE&IF,

Thank You for your advice and offer of help. It is greatly appreciated.

I'm going to try to get my mother to agree to a doctor's appointment with me, to see her GP, about getting a referral to a specialist.
And I'll take it from there.

I want her assessed fully, and I also want her eyes tested regarding her driving. I would prefer she gave up driving - because I think
she's a danger to herself and others. But I need her GP's help with all of this.

Anyway, Thanks Again.

Foxy
Dont kill her or yourself with kindness.
If she cant drive anymore deep down she will know it.
I will tell you what kills them even quicker. The fear of loosing their independance. And guess what. They normally take it out on the one who is the closest. The one in the family who cares the most.
The one who despite their own problems and health issues is always there. Just be careful you dont desrtoy what is clearly a deep loving bond between the two of you.
'Even if its generally unspoken'

Ask the specialist to put her own a home caps plan
That way she will form a bond with one or two of the ladies who drop by with her meals- or just to have a nice cup of tea and chat with.
then she will feel shes still inderpendant and keep her dignity.
I hope your also looking after yourself as well
Did you read the poems I posted for you?

Dear PALE&IF,

Thank you for all of your hearfelt advice.

What you're saying makes a lot of sense, and I needed to hear it.

Thanks for caring so much.

I'm sorry that I didn't Thank You earlier - but my husband and son read everything to me. It was greatly appreciated.

Take care.

Love... and God Bless.

Foxy

Your vwery welvome and I am glad you took it in the spirit it was meant.

God bless you too fair lady and we are expecting you to put be as kind to yourself as you are others ok
All the Gang at pale = and a few black sheep too, Hehe