...entitlement being the main aim of the game!

The author says:"calling the dilemmas they face "choices" simply sharpens their sense of personal responsibility,"

Welcome to the real world, Monica. If a new father wants to spend time with his offspring, but has to go to work to pay the mortgage, is he in any less of a dilemma?

Adults face dilemmas every day, some of which are serious, some less so, but mature adults exercise their judgement to discharge their responsibilities as they see them. It seems to me that a great deal of the article is an attempt to justify the proposition that mothers should be exempted from having to take responsibility for making choices, yet I'm sure that if anyone suggested that this makes them less worthy of the respect due to adults the author would be the first to claim sexism.

She goes on to say:"they can equip themselves with a robust sense of entitlement, and articulate their demands accordingly"

Well Monica, you'll be pleased to know that your own sense of entitlement is very clear. It's a shame it's not based on anything more substantial than your gender.

Trust antiseptic to genderise the issue, and then immediately whine, whine, whine about about mens rights. He and his fellow comrades in his radi-mens rights groups genderise everything. Comrade antiseptic is just carrying on the tradition.

My mother had no choice - she wasn't allowed to work.

My wife had a choice - as well as raising three children, she could (and did) work, but she didn't have to, for financial or any other reason.

My daughters have no choice - they have to work.

That's progress, and the sign of a successful society.

Last night I watched a Sixties film on DVD with one of our children. She was amazed when I pointed out that the mansion owned by the millionaire in the film was no bigger than many houses in an estate close to us and the millionaire's pool was smaller and its surrounds more modest. The house had few of the 'necessary' electrial appliances and features of a modern home.

In my own suburb is the house that served the family (6 or 7 members) and entertaining purposes of a well-known mining and earthmoving millionaire. It was built in the late Fifties and occupied by the same family through to the mid Eighties. The subject house is on a single level and probably half the size of the many McMansions dotted throughout most housing estates.

Yes, it might take two to manage a mortgage these days but maybe, just maybe, some of our expectations have changed too and one wage is never enough. Even the most humble starter houses have two bathrooms and most couples have two cars, a swag of electronics, large 'communications' accounts and go out regularly for entertainment. Poor people run cars and houses that used to have two or more children to a room with some in the sleep-out now have a bedroom for all children, plus an extra as a study.

Having more choice is one thing but we have to be responsible for our own choices too. At the end of my life I am sure that if I am to regret anything it will be that I didn't spend as much time with my family and friends as I could have, not that the pool had square, rather than rounded ends.

This debate is the luxury of parents with the "normal" children. Try having a disabled child and watch all semblance of choice, equality, respect and entitlement disappear out the window. Mummy wars will be around issues like surviving, coping, eating and fear for the future. Basic, primitive stuff with not an ideological thought in place.

Excellent article, Monica. I thought you outlined the dilemmas or 'choices' faced by today's mothers really clearly, and in a way that might just cut through to those who haven't actually been in that position themselves. But, judging by some of the same old responses, I was wrong!

I agree with Cornflower that many people today expect too much and that many women are working to pay for extravagances that are not needed. Then again, there are many women whose husbands are just not earning enough to allow them to remain out of the workplace for the first few years of their children's lives, even though that might be their preferred choice. These are the women facing the real dilemma.

Antiseptic

"If a new father wants to spend time with his offspring, but has to go to work to pay the mortgage, is he in any less of a dilemma?"

I agree this is a dilemma for new fathers, but less so than that faced by new mothers.

Many mothers are unable to breastfeed as a result of having to return to work situations that won't allow it. This can cause enormous tension for them, particularly if they believe strongly that breastfeeding would have set their children up for their best chance at good health.

Mothers also have the added pressure of dealing with the after effects of giving birth, which fathers don't have to contend with. Many suffer hormonal and energy problems for a long time afterwards, which makes the demands of juggling work and a new baby doubly difficult.

As well, statistics continually bear out the fact that it is very often the women who do most of the shopping, cooking and general housework. This adds to the pressure for most women in a way that it doesn't for men. Men usually find it easier to take shortcuts or to just leave things undone.

Yes, Antiseptic, the call for women to develop a 'robust sense of entitlement' is based on 'gender'. It's based on physical difference and the very real need that ensues from that. Deal with it.

I agree that this is a very good article. While I'm now fortunately past that stage in my life where the competing demands of parenting and earning a crust presented daily dilemmas for my kids' mother and me, I can recall all too well that very little "choice" was involved.

My eldest daughter is a sole parent, and she really doesn't have many "choices" either with respect to earning enough to survive while caring for her child.

And Antiseptic - the article is about mothers, who are by definition female. You really should try and lose your obvious antipathy to women.

CJ Morgan:"the article is about mothers"

Yes, it is. If it was about parents having to face choices and make difficult decisions, I'd not be bothered to comment, as that's patently obvious.. The trouble is that the author takes it for granted that mothers should have a "robust sense of entitlement", while never once mentioning that the "entitlement" has to be paid for somehow, presumably either by the father (what about his "entitlement") or the taxpayer. The current mini baby-boom has shown that the greatest thing prospective mothers see themselves as "entitled" to is a wad of cash provided by someone else. How many of those new dads only discovered they had a child when they received their notice of their "entitlement" to pay child support?

Tell me, CJ, why should mothers be insulated from having to make difficult decisions simply because they're mothers? What about a father's "entitlement" in this brave new post-feminist world? Is he only ever entitled to obligations, or can he reasonably expect some measure of equality?

I don`t see what has changed ,Monica just stated the obvious,there will always be stay at home mums and dads ,if you can afford to do it thats great.For most Australian parents there is no "choice",we have to go back to work to survive.

Bronwyn,I think you will find most if not all mothers do all the shopping,cooking and cleaning,it`s called being a wife and mother,then again you don`t have to be a wife or a mother to do the above.As for breast feeding I think that is why the breast pump was invented,so that mothers could go back to work.

People will always complain about how hard it is to be a parent,and they are correct it is the hardest thing that you will ever do,but the most rewarding.It is all about Responsibility,you have nine months to prepare,just get on with it,it was your "choice".

Antiseptic,I`m sorry to see that you are still copping it,remember that you still have friends.You are correct in what you said,it was a shame that they forgot to mention New Dads in the article,men go through a great deal when a new baby arrives.I work in law enforcement,as you can imagine I`m on the minority with regards to gender,I see how it effects the guys first had ie will there be enough money,no sleep,shift work etc.Sometimes we forget to look at the whole picture.

Antiseptic: << Tell me, CJ, why should mothers be insulated from having to make difficult decisions simply because they're mothers? >>

Mothers physically nurture their children from conception, through the permanent bodily changes that pregnancy entails to the frequently agonising experience of childbirth, and thence for most to suckling their infants. While we fathers may be deeply and passionately involved in these processes at an emotional level, we can never experience the early stages of our children's lives as their mothers do. That's what makes mothers special, and why motherhood is universally revered.

Of course that's no reason for mothers to avoid "having to make difficult decisions" - indeed, every mother I've known has been very adept at making "difficult decisions" involving balancing the myriad responsibilities and obligations of kids-job-relationship-family-etc.

It's called life, isn't it?

I think that it's perfectly valid to discuss mothers' issues without necessary reference to men. If Antiseptic feels left out of the discussion, perhaps he could consider presenting his perspectives in an OLO article?

The article makes a lot of good points but seems to miss on others.

The central theme "The truth is, most mothers make the same choice - they choose to do the best that they can, under the circumstances in which they find themselves." is spot on.

Likewise "But the truth is complex. When we look at her "choices" critically and examine the circumstances under which most parenting decisions are made, we see mothers still acting under various kinds of duress and constraint, particularly as economic circumstances tighten so relentlessly."

On the other hand
"Unlike other workers, mothers can't walk off the job." - plenty of other workers could walk off the job but won't for the same reasons mothers don't - their family depends on them doing their job. We almost all have choices but in reality those choices are sometimes very limited.

Wanting opportunities for women to be freer in the choices they make but still advocating maternity leave rather than parental leave appears counterproductive. I know that there is a period where maternity leave is a biological necessity but beyond that maternity leave entrenches roles rather than loosening them.

I'm uneasy with "we would focus the onus of responsibility away from the mother as an individual and back onto society as a whole", thats such a small step from society then being able to make decisions on behalf of individuals. Much of the progress that the womens movement has made has been in the face of those who would put the perceived needs of society ahead of the rights of the individual to make choices for themself. When we surrender responsibility for our own decisions we may find that we have forfeited the right to make those decisions

CJ if Antiseptic appears defensive it may be because of a sentiment similar to that put by the author "This logic is often implicit, not explicit, yet it permeates many discussions;".

R0bert

CJMorgan,Men will never know what it is like to carry a child,if they had to we would all become extinct LOL.

As for your comments about Antiseptic feeling left out,this is a forum after all.Everyone can have opinion,I believe that yes having kids is a hard job,but once you get into a routine it gets easier.

Parenthood is hard on both parents not just the mums,it would of been good if they also did a study on how it effects new dads.Breast fed,bottle fed,to work or not to work it`s all same old same old.

Given the high cost of child care, and the pitiful tax rebate, the cost to a mother before tax can exceed $30 000 for the first child and $50 000 for two.

Combine this with a shortage of child care places, travelling times and any child care support provided at work being treated as a fringe benefit, and the concept of choice goes out the window.

It is often this bitter choice that sees them having to sacrifice their careers to have a family or vica versa.

If company creches were supported instead of being double taxed, then mothers would have the chance to continue their careers and spend more time with their kids.

Just this simple step will hugely improve productivity, family contact, and probably fertility more than the child bonus.

Mummy wars, any sensible bloke stays well clear when women are debating(arguing).

If I recall correctly the chinese symbol for women is two women, doing what two women may do.

Decades ago the debate was about married women/mothers being allowed to continue working, stay at home mums were the norm, fastforward to the present day, now it is about maternity leave and child care, to allow mothers the opportunity to continue working.

FBT laws prevent companies, business from having their own child care centers on site, which would have allowed for cheaper and easier to access child care, instead child care centers have been floated on the stock exchange, with more attention paid to shareholders.

Sometimes people make informed choices, other times as the author points out, make the best possible choice for a given set of circumstances. Other people may disagree with those choices because of their own set of values conflict with the choices made by others.

no privacy, you are being a bit naive. I take it that you are male. Breastpumps are well and good, but only if you have time to use them, the privacy to use them, and facilities with which to wash them and sterilise them after each use (approx 3 times during the day). Difficult to do at work. The time factor is a huge one. It used to take me 3 times as long to pump, then it did to drive to the childcare centre, breastfeed my child, then return to work. I was lucky that my work gave me the flexibility to work 4 days spread over 5, so that I had the time to feed my baby, whilst work also got fair return for what they paid me.

You also say there is 9 months to prepare. Sure, but I havent yet met onw woman whom the actual arrival of a squirming bawling little human hasnt hit like a freight-train. You can "prepare" yourself all you like, but you are still slam-dunked by it when it arrives. Actually most of the women I know have had a hard time seeing past the actual birthing process, with much anxiety and concern about the pain, and whether everything will be ok.

However, I agree with you that it is hard on new fathers too. I dont believe that it is AS hard, but its still difficult

Country Gal,I`m female and a mother.Sorry that you had such a hard time using the breast pump,I on the other hand had no problems feeding my baby this way.

when I said that there are 9 months to prepare I ment
ie Take responsibility for the "choice" that you have made.When we choose to have kids, you soon realize that life will never be the same.All parents sacifice a great deal to make sure there kids get enough love,time,support and the things they need (not wont).

CJ Morgan:"It's called life, isn't it?"

That was my point.

We all make decisions in the knowledge that there will be consequences. Saying that mothers are somehow morally entitled to exemption from having to face those consequences is simply not defensible. Of course there are constraints. Of course there are social pressures. Of course there are emotional impacts. It's complicated, but that's life, isn't it? Deal with it and get on with it.

I should make it clear that I support a paid parental leave provision, but the author's argument doesn't do much for that cause.

Antiseptic: -
"I should make it clear that I support a paid parental leave provision, but the author's argument doesn't do much for that cause."

I don't think that the article really is trying to do anything for that cause.Or for any cause at all, really.

I just read it as a comment about motherhood. You know, despite calls for equality etc. one can still discuss motherhood and fatherhood as subjects in which mothers and fathers are interested. This was an article about motherhood. No, it doesn't mention fatherhood. Nor does it mention sisterhood, or brotherhood nor nationhood. It was a mother reflecting upon issues that affect mothers.

Just as fathers are free to reflect on fatherhood and write articles upon the subject, so are mothers free to do the same. Why one earth should the author introduce fathers - or brothers, or in-laws, or anyone else at all - into an article directed by a mother to mothers?

Yep. Sure fatherhood is also a grind and has many sorts of problems, misconceptions,responsibilities and plain hard graft attached to it. So do many other aspects of life. But as this article doesn't deal with anything other than motherhood none of these are mentioned. Why should they be?

An article on fatherhood would not mention the motherhood side of things either. Nor would an article on childhood have to be slanted from the fathers, mothers, grandfathers, cousins, aunts or uncles points of view. Lets not get carried away here. A mother or a father can adress issues pertinent to themselves without being sexist, y'know.

Gee it'd just be nice if there were a few mothers around in my neighbourhood for support and socialising during the day. Most of them seem to work most days and spend their "non-work" days cleaning, shopping...

We made a choice to live on one income, one teacher's income, with 3 children under school age.

That's less than $75k a year.

Most would say, in our situation, one income was not possible and the mother would be forced to go to paid work but we make compromises and it works.

We left Sydney for a more affordable town.

We rent a nice house, a substantial portion of our income is rent, (while still paying a mortgage on a house in Sydney that lost 25% of it's value in the housing market bust).

When it comes to the polarisation of stay-at-home mums and career mums, I must say the majority of our socialising is with single income families simply because they get it (although almost all of these mums do some kind of occasional casual part-time paid work).

We don't spend money on our leisure. It's as simple as that.
We have a lot of hand-me-downs.
We use Freecycle - the free recycling internet community.
And we live a happy, slow-paced life.
Yet I still think some people assume that I stay at home because my husband is extremely wealthy (before they discover I'm married to a teacher, if they even bother to ask).

We made choices and sometimes we struggle. But who doesn't?

Sorry, I phrased that wrongly.
That should read,
"A substantial portion of our income is PAID OUT in rent."